Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: Roy Hodgson tries to talk Frank Lampard out of considering a move to MLS

(Getty)

After Frank Lampard scored the winning goal in England's friendly against Brazil, manager Roy Hodgson publicly warned him that staying in Europe once his Chelsea contract expires at the end of this season will help him keep his place in the England squad. Lampard has been rumored to be a possible replacement for David Beckham in the LA Galaxy's midfield, but Hodgson doesn't seem fond of that possibility.

“I’m rather hoping we’ll still see him if not in England then Europe, which will make my task easier," said Hodgson, according to the Telegraph. "If he goes further afield and follows David [Beckham to MLS], it complicates matters but it doesn’t mean your career is over with England. But the further afield you go, the more problematic it gets for the media and the England manager to follow you.”

[Also: USA's World Cup qualification off to a rocky start]

The following is a transcript of Hodgson's private conversation with Lampard on the matter.

Hodgson: That was a terrific display, Frank. Excellent.

Lampard: Cheers, boss.

Hodgson: I really think you can play a role for us in Brazil next year. If you stay in Europe next season.

Lampard: Well, actually, I was thinking about going to America once my Chelsea deal is up.

Hodgson: Is that in Europe?

Lampard: No...

Hodgson: Then that's not the best idea. How would I, as England manager, track your form if you go to America, Frank?

Lampard: Well, if I go, you can fly out for the occasional match. Fabio did it when David played in Los Angeles.

Hodgson: I'm not doing that. I recently saw a documentary about a flight in the United States where everyone on it got food poisoning and the basketball player Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the pilot. That's just wrong, Frank.

Lampard: I'm pretty sure that was a film called "Airplane!" and it wasn't a documentary, it was a comedy. And it was made in 1980. But if you don't want to fly, you can watch the matches on TV or the internet.

Hodgson: The internet doesn't work for me. Harry Redknapp taught me how to use it and as soon as I put my laptop in the microwave like he said, it exploded. So now I don't have a computer or a way to soften ice cream when it's frozen solid. And the microwave was next to the television when this happened, so that's out too.

Lampard: That's too bad. I'm sure we could work something out, though.

Hodgson: And what about the media? How would they follow you?

Lampard: I think most of them know how to work the internet, so that shouldn't be a problem. But why do they need to follow me? All they do is call me fat and say that I can't play with Steven Gerrard.

Hodgson: That's important.

Lampard: Fine. If I do go to MLS, I'm certain these are all things we could work out.

Hodgson: I'm still worried about this, Frank. Do they even have clothes there? David was always in his underpants.

Lampard: Yes, they have clothes in America.

Hodgson: And beds?

Lampard: Yes, they have beds. Why wouldn't they have beds?

Hodgson: I don't know, Frank. Maybe they have a bed ban.

Lampard: A bed ban? As in a ban on beds? That makes no sense at all.

Hodgson: Right then. You risk your England career and go to America, where they don't have airplanes outside of basketball films and only people who didn't blow up their internets and televisions in microwave accidents can watch you play. I hope you enjoy sleeping on the floor. Or in a hammock.

Lampard: They don't have a ban on beds there!

Hodgson: Tell that to Robbie Keane. He's in America and he's not playing for England, either.

Lampard: He's not English!

Hodgson: I think I've made my point.

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