What We Learned: Falcons stink and hockey stuff

Hey, it’s me, Greg Wyshynski. Ryan Lambert is off this week.

I’m not going to attempt to reproduce the vast, sweeping genius of What We Learned as a pinch-hitter, because Lambert puts in hours of research and thought into his opening soliloquy and I have a bitter hangover from too much beer and too much Tom Brady deification.

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Like, hey, congrats man, you beat a team that apparently didn’t know they were three runs and a successful kick away from winning the [expletive] Super Bowl. Awesome. Super. Best of all-time, great wife, great commercial (although you might have shoved a sock down there or something for that 360-degree sweatpants shot), awesome hat in your locker you won’t talk about.

Literally the only things that gave me solace as a Jets fan last night:

1 – Seeing the cottage industry of pundit tweets burying the Patriots before celebrating their greatness, like this roller-coaster of idiocy.

2 – Seeing Roger Goodell get the Gary Bettman treatment, and then have to make small talk with the Patriots coach and quarterback.

3 – Knowing that the Jets weren’t the ones who didn’t know they were three runs and a successful kick away from winning the [expletive] Super Bowl.

4 – The STRANGER THINGS teaser was on point.

Here are 30 or so thoughts on 30 or so teams, based on What We Learned this weekend:

What We Learned

Anaheim Ducks: Corey Perry’s nightmarish season remains nightmarish. “Nine goals in 54 games are just baffling and unacceptable, especially on a team that isn’t explosive.”

Arizona Coyotes: If the Coyotes invited all their team dads to every home game, it would be the most raucous crowd in the NHL and they would also obviously double their attendance.

Atlanta Thrashers: The Thrashers made the playoffs once in 2007 and were swept in the first round, and yet somehow had more postseason success for Atlanta than Dan Quinn and Kyle Shanahan.

Boston Bruins: Whoa hold on a second, you mean David Backes was a poor fit for this lineup? Wow no one even conceived that to the be the case except everyone.

Buffalo Sabres: Good luck to Tyler Ennis, Matt Moulson and Justin Bailey as they battle for a spot with Ryan O’Reilly and Kyle Okposo. Remember when Okposo was signed to be the perfect co-star for Eichel, as he was for Tavares? Good times.

Calgary Flames: The Flames practiced in Central Park, in case you wondered what it would be like to have the smell of horse crap wafting through the air during an NHL practice. You know, outside of Alberta.

California Golden Seals: The Seals only made the playoffs twice in their history, lost in the first round both times, and yet we’re confident they’d know that if you’re three runs and a successful kick away from winning the [expletive] Super Bowl, you run the ball three times and then kick it.

Carolina Hurricanes: The case for Jordan Staal as a Selke contender. He’s only finished in the top five for the Selke once. Insane.

Chicago Blackhawks: Tyler Motte talks about going from a vital young piece for the Hawks this season to a return trip to the AHL.

Colorado Avalanche: Analyzing Matt Duchene to the Sens, and somehow Bobby Ryan’s name comes up. OK.

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Columbus Blue Jackets: We’re truly living in the Upside Down when the Blue Jackets need to be warned not to take any opponents lightly.

Dallas Stars: Lindy Ruff believes in Antti Niemi like I believe in hitting the Powerball.

Detroit Red Wings: PLAYOFF aspirations?

Edmonton Oilers: Milan Lucic on Connor McDavid: “I kind of compare him to the Cristiano Ronaldo of hockey. That’s my comparison that I use.” We assume he means that McDavid IS the Cristiano Ronaldo, rather than comparing him to the Cristiano Ronaldo of hockey, who is of course Erik Karlsson.

Florida Panthers: Despite this Jags is still GOAT.

Hartford Whalers: Nate Silver pens a piece asking if the Whalers should return and links to that idiotic article he wrote that counts Sudbury and Thunder Bay as one market. Also there are a lot of Patriots fans in Connecticut so you already have your nice thing.

Los Angeles Kings: Darryl Sutter on facing the Capitals – “I think you don’t want to get into an All-Star game with them. We’re not in that class.”

Minnesota Wild: According to one statistic measure, the Wild are the favorites to win the Stanley Cup. Or something.

Montreal Canadiens: As an American, I feel a little funny about this headline.

Nashville Predators: Mike Ribeiro playing with impressionable youngsters in the AHL pretty much completes his transformation into Xavier LaFlamme from GOON.

New Jersey Devils: If the Devils wanted Kevin Shattenkirk, and they should, why on Earth would they trade for him instead of signing him?

New York Islanders: John Tavares on Doug Weight, “It’s a little different, his voice being the head coach, but there’s still a comfort level there, guys knowing how he is and who he is and what he expects.”

New York Rangers: Why the Rangers should consider being sellers at the trade deadline.

Ottawa Senators: The Senators’ 25th anniversary team made me happy because I like to see Radek Bonk’s name in circulation. But what, no Randy Cunneyworth?

Philadelphia Flyers: The Flyers vs. Vladimir Putin. One of those classic “root for a scoreless tie” situations, friends.

Pittsburgh Penguins: There’s no way that Crosby isn’t going to find SOME WAY to be the 87th player to break 1,000. Some kind of technicality or something, right?

San Jose Sharks: I know it wasn’t from the weekend but I’m still stunned by this hypocritical BS. You know how they say to always tell the ones you love that you love them before it’s too late? Yeah, it’s a little late for the Marleau adoration, sir.

St. Louis Blues: Kinda hard to figure out if you’re a contender when the fourth-best goal scorer on the team is done.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Deep dive into the struggles of the Bolts, analytically.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Just stop with the “trade Nylander” stuff.

Vancouver Canucks: The Jannik Button is a really great turn of phrase even if the Canucks shouldn’t push it.

Vegas Golden Knights: Still figuring out the social media thing.

Washington Capitals: Brett Connolly has been really, really good for the Capitals.

Winnipeg Jets: So the Jets haven’t turned the corner.

Wyshynski, Greg: Thanks for reading everyone. Lambert’s back next week. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue to push this boulder uphill while the fourth quarter of Super Bowl 51 plays on a continuous loop because we’re all dead and this is hell.

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Greg Wyshynski is a writer for Yahoo Sports. Contact him at puckdaddyblog@yahoo.com or find him on Twitter. His book, TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE PUCK, is available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.

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