Wednesdays with Brownie: Groin shots MLB's most painful epidemic

Welp, didn’t see this coming.

Neither did they.

Over three weeks, four grown men – three players and an umpire – were felled by baseballs traveling somewhere between 90 and 106 mph that struck them square in their groins.

As the good folks of San Diego’s Petco Park cried in unison when the epidemic began May 22 with a 91-mph fastball that grazed Joc Pederson’s bat and caromed neatly into umpire David Rackley’s lap, “Ohhhhh.”

There have been more, probably, as these collisions of speeding object and just-minding-its-own-business object generally don’t register beyond the sudden bile gurgle in the back of the victim’s throat. These, we know about:

Rackley, 34 and a full-time major league umpire since 2014, wobbled from the field and returned five nights later in Atlanta.

On May 30, Orioles catcher Caleb Joseph was flushed by a foul tip, finished the game, underwent surgery for what was described as a “testicular injury,” went to the disabled list and hasn’t played since. Let’s revisit part of that sentence: “Finished the game.”

Joseph appears to be recovering after some initial, as you can imagine, concerns. As he told Roch Kubatko of MASN, “It was fine until we decided to have surgery to repair some of the damage that was done and they start telling you worst-case scenarios, disclaimers, I think. That’s when you really start thinking, ‘OK, this isn’t just they’re going in and putting a few stitches in and putting a Band-Aid over it.’”

One more time: “Finished the game.”

A week later, Indians catcher Yan Gomes raised his mitt to catch a fastball, except the baseball had other notions. For a very long time after that it appeared Gomes would be fine with spending the rest of his life in the dirt next to Safeco Field’s home plate on his hands and knees. Just, you know, the occasional protein shake and a long straw and leave me alone, don’t anybody move.

He went to the hospital, where he was diagnosed with a testicular contusion, at which point his manager, Terry Francona, justifiably observed, “I don’t think he’s probably having the best night of his life.”

Gomes was behind the plate again three nights later.

Then, lest we were to believe only catchers and umpires (and LeBron James) were vulnerable to sneak attacks, Gomes’ teammate, Juan Uribe, was chillin’ at third base Sunday when 106 mph went all cup-check on him. One-hop, off the bat of Mike Trout, direct hit.

It’s all very amusing until the guy doesn’t get up, and then it’s not at all amusing and is pretty scary. Uribe was taken off the field on a cart. The look on his face said, basically, I’d now like to lose consciousness and wake up when this is over in like two years.

He did not finish the game. He may not yet have finished the breath he was on.

Uribe, too, was taken to a hospital, where he was diagnosed with a bruised somethin’-somethin’. He recovered enough to join the team on its flight to Kansas City – probably not the best flight of his life – and was not in the Indians lineup Monday.

Uribe subsequently revealed that, like fellow third baseman Adrian Beltre (who several years ago had a bad hop inflict terrible damage), he does not wear a cup. His story, as told to reporters at the scene: “I don’t think the trainers have my size.”

Well then. We’ve all been feeling bad for Uribe while no one bothered to check the poor baseball.

Be careful out there, boys.

A WEEK BEHIND:

Are we so bored with the season that Ichiro and Pete Rose must be a thing?

It’s not.

Ichiro is a marvel and Pete is, too, in his own way, and was for a very long time. Because Pete got a little wound up, as he is prone, does not change the conversation, because the conversation hasn’t existed.

His 4,256 hits here (and in his day) are different than Ichiro’s 1,278 hits there and 2,977 (and counting) here, and we’re better off admiring both and moving along. That seems so obvious.

Instead, let’s recognize Ichiro’s soon-to-be 3,000 hits, the ridiculous .350 batting average and .414 on-base percentage, the fact he’s forty-freakin’-two and has struck out six times in 120 at-bats, and is six for eight in stolen bases. Maybe this doesn’t last all summer – in fact it probably can’t – but the man just hit almost .400 for a month, and just hit .314 for more than a decade-and-a-half.

If a comparison must be made, perhaps in the tens of thousands of swings taken over thousands and thousands of days, the dedication that made them generational hitters, the uncanny talent it required to perform one of the most difficult tasks on the planet.

In that case, it’s a tie.

That ought to be enough to carry the conversation.

A WEEK AHEAD:

If the Cardinals and/or Pirates are going to knock the Cubs from that strut they’ve got going, from that rolling inevitability in the NL Central, it’d help if they were to actually beat the Cubs.

As official summer approaches, and in the coming week, both get their shots.

Over 10 days that could test the Cubs – they started this week with three in Washington – they’ll get the Pirates for three at Wrigley Field over the weekend, followed by three against the Cardinals.

They won’t see the Cardinals again until mid-August.

The Cubs are 4-2 against the Cardinals, 5-1 against the Pirates (and 18-6 in the division), so pretty much what they are against everybody.

If the rotation holds, Jake Arrieta would start the first game against the Pirates and the third against the Cardinals. After getting Max Scherzer and Stephen Strasburg in D.C., the Cubs miss Gerrit Cole and Carlos Martinez in those series.

SAW IT COMING:

First Madison Bumgarner wanted a crack at the Home Run Derby, which was fun and cute and absurd. Then Jake Arrieta said he wanted in.

This is what happens when you encourage them.

Next, they’ll all be on the porch and there’ll be no getting rid of ‘em, yowling all night and tearing up the patio furniture.

There cannot be a general manager in the league who would think this is a good idea. Let’s remember that running hard for 90 feet is considered a bit extreme for this breed of ballplayer. Allowing a pitcher to swing as hard as he can for as long as he can – a hoot as it may be – would be a terrible idea.

DIDN'T SEE IT COMING:

Not that long ago, Peter Bourjos was a reasonable guess as to baseball’s fastest player.

The problem, of course, was on-base percentage. Or, perhaps, opportunity. Since his 552-plate appearance 2011 with the Angels, Bourjos hasn’t topped 300 plate appearances in a season. Now, you could argue one – the .296 career OBP — leads to the other, but, at 29 years old, chances are good you are what you are.

Given the Phillies are edging toward what we thought they’d be, Bourjos is a player who could deepen a contending bench, play some outfield and pinch-run.

Here’s the weird part about Bourjos’ game, however: since stealing 43 bases (and being caught 22 times) in ’11, he has 26 stolen bases and has been caught 15 times in 450 games.

He always had the speed for it, but never quite figured out how.