How you treat a server says more about you than anything else, especially these days

When I was in my 20s, I now have to admit, I suffered from a bad case of entitlement, which I exhibited all too frequently in restaurants.

I’d send back my dinner either because it was “too pink” or “not pink enough.” I'd get testy with a server who did not fill my water glass quickly enough.

“Waiter! Waiter!” I said too loud, too often, although I never snapped my fingers at anyone. One night, after just such an outburst, my good friend Paul, told me bluntly, "Steven, the way you treat a waiter tells me more about you than any other conversation.” “No, no, no!” I replied. “They’re not doing their job,” again displaying my entitlement.

Obviously, I was wrong

Not long after I realized that Paul was absolutely right about me. Shamed, I stopped. Thank you, friend.

It’s been hard to miss the brouhaha engulfing James Corden, the host of CBS’ "The Late Late Show,” who recently got himself into a sour pickle at Balthazar, one of New York City’s top restaurants. Corden found himself banned and then unbanned for his alleged “abusive” behavior toward the staff, which included yelling at a server because his wife’s all-yolk omelet contained a small number of egg whites.

Apparently, the kitchen remade the dish – and goofed, again – leading Corden to shout, “You can’t do your job! Maybe I should go into the kitchen and cook the omelet myself," according to restaurant owner Keith McNally.

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The late-night comedian apologized, then unapologized (which is not even a word but that’s what he did), finally taking responsibility during a monologue on the show, acknowledging being “rude” and “ungracious” at the restaurant.

Do you know who is overworked? The people serving your food.

Let’s be real here, it’s never a good look to treat a server with disdain, as though they are “less” than you. Full stop. And now more than ever we need to be nicer to those in the service industry, especially because restaurants are challenged to get staff these days, much less well-trained folks. I’ve had servers tell me they are completely overworked, with one explaining he was simply doing the best he could after the kitchen messed up our order.

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Then, of course, there’s the threat of recession and the reality of inflation (making us edgy, to say the least), not to mention the ongoing fallout from the pandemic (creating an ongoing mental health crisis).

These are tough times for many, and many of us are not at our best. I remind myself when frustrated or angry to choose kindness and understanding, not privilege and snark.

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A quick lesson on etiquette

For those planning to eat out and about over the holidays, here’s a refresher course on restaurant etiquette.

Of course, you can still complain about a legitimate wrong. But how you do it matters, not to mention that it’s better to say it with a smile than a threat. (Remember the adage, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”) Initially, Corden says he felt he didn’t do anything wrong because he “didn’t shout or scream or call anyone names.” It’s not all about the volume; tone and tenor – and body language –  also speak volumes.

How not to be a toxic customer: James Corden made headlines for 'abusive' restaurant behavior. Here's what not to do.

For instance, I recently had a bad experience at a restaurant I go to regularly. Unlike my previous self, I ate the mushy salad and overcooked steak. The next day I called the host to tell him of my disappointment and he apologized, explaining that I had a brand new server and that their chef had just quit. Yikes, I couldn’t imagine serving all these people with a line cook or two.

I also ate that meal along with my fellow diners, reminding myself that a meal out is about being with friends or family first, not a perfectly seared piece of tuna.

Back in my heyday, when I’d be sending back this chop or that tenderloin, I’d find myself watching my friends eat their meals while I cooled my heels waiting for my mulligan. (Or worse, they’d insist on waiting until my new dish came out, letting their dinners go cold.) A favorite food writer of mine, Laurie Colwin, once penned, “One of the delights of life is eating with friends, second to that is talking about eating.” By “talking” Colwin did not mean complaining, carping or making a fuss.

And, finally, if you’re wrong about something, step up and apologize sincerely. That’s what James Corden did in the end, telling viewers, “When you make a mistake, you’ve got to take responsibilities.”

That’s a good dictum for just about everything in life, especially these days. Why is that so hard for so many?

Steven Petrow, a writer on civility and manners and a member of USA TODAY's Board of Contributors, is the author of five etiquette books, including "Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old." Follow him on Twitter: @stevenpetrow

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: James Corden's Balthazar ban reminds us: How you treat servers matters