Yahoo Sports My toddler sings about her boundaries but ignores mine
The other day my daughter, who is three, came home from nursery singing an unfamiliar song. “Please stop, I don’t like that,” she sang. “I’m feeling uncomfortable, I need some space. Don’t come close to me, don’t take it personally, that’s just my BOUNDARY.” She shouts the final word, like a member of the Barmy Army who has just watched Joe Root stroke another cover drive.
She has learnt to deploy the song when something is happening that she doesn’t like, for example when her younger brother, who is seven months old, flails his arms around next to her. Her message is clear: she has not consented to have his baby arms flailed in her face. If he doesn’t stop, she will be making a formal complaint to HR. I explain that he has had less training in psychology than she has, and besides has not worked out what his arms are for, so the message is lost on him, but she is welcome to move her face out of the way.
At first I was a bit startled to find that the language of psychotherapy had made its way to nursery. A boundary implies a hard and fast line around a personality. Nobody knows who they are at three. I barely know at thirty-six.
But I have since decided I’m overthinking things. It’s a funny song. These are values we have always tried to teach children: to be kind and respectful to those around them but to stand up for themselves where necessary. Don’t hit little Barry; don’t let little Barry hit you. Yes, we all have to find a way to deal with people who don’t necessarily respect our language or our vision of ourselves, but that’s what siblings are for.
The bigger problem is that the three-year old, while enthusiastic about her own boundaries, does not respect mine. No, I do not want to read Curious George again. No, I do not want to be woken at 5am by someone pulling open my eyelids to ask if I am their “best friend”. No, I do not want to have to put every single toy back in the box every half an hour, like a Fisher-Price Sisyphus.
The more you study the lyrics of the boundary song, the more they speak to the interior monologue of the parent. Please stop, I don’t like that, I’m feeling uncomfortable, I need some space, don’t come close to me, don’t take it personally.
I must start asserting myself. You’re never too old to learn, nor too young to teach.
Michael Deacon is away
