TEAM OF THE WEAK – GW2 – DIRTY HARRY

A game week of absolutely wild variance. Hat tricks, horror shows and bench blockers everywhere.

Did you get lucky? Well did you, punk.

It’s Team of the Weak time. Let’s fucking dive in.

MURIC – 4.5 – IPSWICH

You could see the confusion behind his eyes during this performance. The keeper of a team desperate to stay in the league, but who had also captained Haaland and followed Andy Martin.

Horrible to watch. Unless you used your TC chip. Like a fucking boss.

TARKOWSKI – 4.9 – EVERTON

I’m not saying Everton have started the season badly, but their captain has conceded 7 goals and currently sits on 0 points and a BPS of minus 11.

Like watching Bambi mothers on ice. After she’d already been fucking shot.

MARTINEZ – 4.5 – MANCHESTER UTD

Lisandro Matinez is a fine defender, but too often, especially in away games, he seems to drift in and out of consciousness like an inebriated sea pirate.

Man Utd need him to be better. Ten Hag needs him to be better.

Be better you bastard.

DIGNE – 4.5 – ASTON VILLA

The Villa manager keeping Lucas Digne and selling Alex Moreno feels like a high stakes poker game that has horribly backfired.

Digne gave Saka the freedom of Villa Park in the second half, and was punished like a school child who’d shat his pants on his first day.

Talked up by his manager last week to prick the ears of FPL players looking for a Barco replacement, the young pup had a horror show worthy of the most twisted of minds.

Total shit from start to finish. He finished on minus 2 points.

He currently has a negative form score. Which I didn’t even know was fucking possible.

FERNANDES – 8.5 – MANCHESTER UTD

I’ve lost count of the amount of goals Man Utd have conceded where Bruno has lost possession after being “fouled” and then stood their crying whilst the opposition break and score.

He is a fine, fine player. But dear Christ, his behaviour is an insult to infants at this point.

I mean, without wanting to come across all Gary Neville. You are the captain of Manchester United mate. Man the fuck up.

Dragged for what feels like the first time in his career and with Liverpool up next, Bruno is the most obvious sell in the history of fantasy sport.

Get rid.

MURPHY – 5.5 – NEWCASTLE

Misplacing over a third of his passes and offering the creativity of Dad wrapped Christmas presents, Murphy was once again dragged early.

I’d have been embarrassed by this performance in an amateur 6 a side match. And I speak from experience.

JOELINTON – 6.0 – NEWCASTLE

At fault for the goal, Joelinton looked he’d just wandered on to a football pitch for the first time and was screaming at somebody to explain him the rules.

Ended the game by assaulting Neto and the referee sending off a Bournemouth coach instead.

Peerless.

EZE – 7.0 – CRYSTAL PALACE

Back to back blanks for the much trumpeted talisman, who spurned great chances and generally shimmered with all the menace of a 3 day old skid mark.

Palace looks in real trouble. They have sold half their team and look to be held together by paper clips.

WATKINS – 9.0 – ASTON VILLA

The Villa and England striker had multiple chances to punish smug bastards who started the season with David Raya.

Instead he turned up like Shane Long incarnate, spraying liquid excrement with a fire house towards anything in fucking sight.

ARMSTRONG – 5.5 – SOUTHAMPTON

Who could possibly have predicted Armstrong would struggle in the Premier League after two previous entire seasons… wait for it… struggling in the Premier League.

bUt FpL rEvIEw sAiD – wake up you morons. Press CTL, ALT, DELETE fucking NOW

SUMMARY

Well there you have it. What a clusterfuck. I hope you’ve made your transfers already before the internet breaks with the return of a load of miserable bastards from Manchester who used to be good.

Oh yeah, also Oasis are getting back together,