TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 4 – THE FILTH AND THE FURY

Let us bow our heads in collective shame and pick the bones out from the meal we just vomited back up. What a terrible gameweek, what a terrible set of players.

Let us dive in.

HENDERSON – 4.5 – CRYSTAL PALACE

Yet to keep a clean sheet, the popular Palace stopper has thus far looked like a conductor who hasn’t just lost his baton, but his whole fucking orchestra.

Faces Manchester United next. So probably not an urgent sell.

STEPHENS – 4.0 – SOUTHAMPTON

An absolutely dire defender. Spent the entire of the match looking like a man trying to keep in a shit, before just giving up the fucking ghost and diving in on Garnacho so he could put himself out of his misery.

Saints stink.

YOUNG – 4.5 – EVERTON

Somehow losing from a 2 goal winning position yet again, few players offered as little as 63 year old boomer Ashley Young. Dreadful throughout, he was booked and played the full 90 minutes.

What year does Sean Dyche think it is?

STONES – 5.4 – MANCHESTER CITY

Wet his pants in the opening minutes as he helped lead Wissa to a goal that he couldn’t possibly Missa.

Didn’t really improve much after that. Later booked, made some fouls. Eventually taken off so City could see the game out with a vague degree of competence.

BASSEY – 4.5 – FULHAM

As last minute car crashes go, missing a chance from 6 yards and then being part of a defence that concedes a chaotic equaliser to a throw in routine is right up there.

From potential hero to absolute zero faster than you can say hello Shirley.

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ONANA – 5.1 – ASTON VILLA

Forgot which side he still played for and assisted Dwight McNeil for Everton’s opener. Did little to make up for his error and was hooked at half time to sit in the naughty corner and be given a UK Geography lesson.

JOHNSON – 6.4 – TOTTENHAM

It’s not entirely clear what Brennan Johnson is at times. A wide forward? A roaming number 9? Or an old fashioned up and down winger with an eye for goal?

He played 67 minutes here and it was like watching a sausage dog trying to hump a cat.

JOTA – 7.6 – LIVERPOOL

The heat map of a 13 year old boy filling his cheeks in the fucking pick & mix, Diego Jota completed just 7 passes on Saturday and carried the threat of an impotent kitten.

Substituted on 59 minutes, 59 seconds, giving both fingers to his legion of owners.

SALAH – 12.7 – LIVERPOOL

Desperate FPL managers ripped up their teams this week to ensure the Liverpool talisman was in their sides; and watched in horror as he was locked up harder than Nelson Mandella.

Still, I’m sure nobody wildcarded and picked him and not Haaland. That would be below average.

EVANILSON – 6.0 – BOURNEMOUTH

Back to back entries into TOW is not a promising start for Bournemouth’s number 9. His link up play is nice and he did win the penalty.

Sadly, he also took the penalty. And looked about as convincing as the end of a fucking M Knight Shyamalan movie.

JACKSON – 7.6 – CHELSEA

Nicolas Jackson has played well recently, but fresh off the back of signing a contract that ties him to the club until he collects his bus pass, he was complete and utter excrement.

Missed chances, created fuck all, booked. Nine year deal. Fucking ‘av it.

SUMMARY

Another week down with most expert wankers of the FPL community in the doldrums of the deep millions. Who will step outside of the Hub fucking algorithm first and actually pick a player who might get some points?