Premier League Update – GW22

We had a significant set of fixtures in game week 22. Thanks to last minute heroics, Liverpool still sit in the driver’s seat, six points clear with a game in hand. Below them, the clubs in the next five spots wait for them to falter while they compete for Europe. The bottom of the table continues to settle deep into relegation muck, with none of the bottom five making an argument for their continued presence in this league.

Below we have our usual snarky take on each match.

Newcastle United 1 – 4 Bournemouth

This was one of those games that can completely erase all the good vibes and positivity that a nine-game unbeaten run can generate. The Magpies were flat-out ass-whooped by a Bournemouth squad who are now staring at the prospect of European competition next season and saying: “Bring it.”

Brentford 0 – 2 Liverpool

The Bees did a fine job of defending the hive, but couldn’t find an answer for the unbridled mania of Darwin Nuñez. The second-half substitute, supported by fellow bench-buddies Harvey Elliot and Federico Chiesa, sliced through Brentford like a cocaine bear seeking honey. Arne Slot’s mastery of the substitution might be Liverpool’s road to the title.

Leicester City 0 – 2 Fulham

Fulham’s shooting form sucked. Off 17 attempts only two were on target; but those two hit the net. Leicester, on the other hand, sucked on both sides of the field. The Foxes continue to free fall into the depths of the relegation zone with their seventh consecutive loss.

West Ham United 0 – 2 Crystal Palace

Potter and the Hammers, my favorite Premier League sadcore band, are in trouble. Konstantinos Mavropanos’ red card, and Jean-Clair Todibo’s continuing calf problem, leave West Ham with only one center defender left standing for next week. Injuries to their front line left them bereft of a single shot on frame. As they discovered against a surging Palace side, if you cannot defend or score – you lose.

Arsenal 2 – 2 Aston Villa

Surveying the sidelines at the final whistle you could not see greater dichotomy. Arsenal’s side were stunned, mouths agape and eyes dead after frittering away a two-goal lead. Villa’s side were leaping in the air, ecstatic after drawing level. Still think the Gunners are contenders, anyone?

Everton 3 – 2 Tottenham Hotspur

A fine chip from Dejan Kulusevski and last-minute tap-in from Richarlison were veneer on a turd, as the Spurs awoke from their stupor in the second half. I’m beginning to think “Angeball” is obscure Aussie slang for “crapball.” Meanwhile, good ol’ David Moyes, who twice rescued West Ham from relegation, may still have that magic in him.

Manchester United 1 – 3 Brighton, Hove & Albion

Brighton were carving up the flanks faster than a BBQ pitmaster during the dinner rush. They basted and grilled United to perfection, then served ’em up with sides of beans, slaw and embarrassment. Ruben Amorim’s inspirational words during the post-match interview were to call out his squad as the “worst ever”… ouch.

Nottingham Forest 3 – 2 Southampton

Let’s give plucky Southampton credit for making Forest sweat a little. Down 3-0 at the half, the visitors made the scoreline respectable after second half goals from Jan Bednarek and Paul Onuachu. But Forest are still riding high after going undefeated nine straight games.

Ipswich 0 – 6 Manchester City

This was a mugging masquerading as a soccer match. Phil Foden and his droogs surely showed no mercy as City are once again finding their killer edge.

Chelsea 3 – 1 Wolverhampton Wanderers

It must’ve been very uncomfortable for Robert Sánchez in the locker room during halftime, seeing as he was 100% at fault for the equalizing goal in the final seconds. Happily, Marc Cucurella and Noni Madueke were able to plaster over his error with two second-half strikes, and his forgiving manager publicly supported him to a blood-hungry press.