The NFL’s new kickoff formation is stupid, which means owners will call it a success

I’m here to guarantee that the new NFL kickoff rules will be the greatest rule change in the league since it adopted college football’s two-point conversion in 1994.

I say that because I actually think the new kickoffs are stupid, and since I’m usually wrong about most things, this means they will be a smashing success, praised by coaches, players and fans alike.

But honestly, the whole concept is so ridiculous that even Mickey Mouse thinks it’s Mickey Mouse.

The idea behind the change is to encourage more kickoff returns (great!) while making returns less dangerous, thus causing fewer injuries (not so great).

Bear with me. I know that fewer injuries should be considered a good thing. But professional football is a violent sport. It’s part of what’s always been appealing about it, and when players enter the NFL, they know what they’re signing up for.

Call me Neanderthal or bloodthirsty if you want, but I love seeing vicious hits across the middle and full speed collisions on returns. And I also enjoy seeing quarterbacks being flattened by 300-pound defensive linemen.

But now you can put all of that in the past. The vicious hits across the middle and sacks too frequently prompt penalty flags now. Whoever thought it was a good idea to penalize the defense when a player lands on the quarterback after sacking him should be fired for being a dumbass. How can players stop their momentum after wrapping up the quarterback and somehow land on the ground?

The NFL will still be America’s favorite sport no matter what, but if I were league officials, I’d be worried about what made their game so popular in the first place. What they’re doing with kickoffs is another step in the wrong direction.

Through the first two weeks of the preseason, the NFL is apparently excited that 78 percent of the kickoffs have been returned. The average return is out to the 28-yard line, and 11 returns have gone past the 40-yard line, nearly double the number from last year after two preseason games.

I looked at three different stories explaining how the new kickoffs will work, and I won’t get into too many of the details here because I shook my head so many times while reading the rules that I started to get seasick even though I was earthbound.

The only thing that remains the same is the kicker will still kick off from the 35-yard line, but his teammates will line up on the opponents’ 40-yard line, a full 25 yards away from the guy who’s booting the ball.

The receiving team will have nine players lined up between their own 30- and 35-yard line, and here’s the craziest part: NO ONE CAN MOVE BESIDES THE TWO RETURNERS UNTIL THE BALL HITS THE GROUND OR IS TOUCHED BY ONE OF THE RETURNERS INSIDE THE 20.

I put that B.S. in capital letters to emphasize how unrealistic it is to expect players who are used to immediately moving after the kicker kicks off to suddenly being told they must stay in place until that B.S. happens.

We’ll learn stupid new terms such as the Landing Zone, which is between the receiving team’s goal line and the 20-yard line, and that any kick landing short of the 20 will cause the play to stop and the ball to be spotted at the 40-yard line.

For public consumption, Rams coach Sean McVay said of the new kickoff rules: “It just feels weird. It doesn’t look anything familiar with football. I know that everybody that’s been involved with this has their intentions in the right place, but it’s a very foreign-looking play.”

Privately I’m guessing McVay agrees with what I’m writing here, that’s it’s beyond comprehension.

Another irritating new wrinkle: onside kicks will not be allowed before the fourth quarter and can only be used by teams that are trailing. If you want to go with an onside kick, you must declare you’re doing it. So much for the element of surprise, which contributes to a stronger possibility of the kicking team recovering the damn ball. And what’s the problem with a deceptive onside kick in the first three quarters?

I just don’t get any of it, but 29 of the 32 owners felt otherwise, voting for this insanity. The Raiders, 49ers and Packers were the only no voters and should be commended for that.

The only good news? These new kickoffs will be used on a trial basis in 2024. If owners and league officials come to their senses, maybe we’ll go back to the good old knock ‘em, sock ‘em kickoffs next year.

Jim Moore has covered Washington’s sports scene from every angle for multiple news outlets. He appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 10 a.m. on Jason Puckett’s podcast at PuckSports.com. You can find him on X (formerly Twitter) @cougsgo.