CKEM - Friday, May 24, 2024 - 01:00 a.m. (ET) - Segment #4

>>> That is offered citynews at 11:00 o'clock, thank you for staying up late and tuning in. We will be back again tomorrow evening at 6:00 and 11:00 pm with the latest local news. Have a good night. [ ] (Sound effect) Announcer: reads words on screen from hollywood. It's jimmy kimmel live tonight. >> Josh brolin, nikki glaser, and music from sarah mclachlan with cleto and the cleto. >> And now jimmy kimmel. Oaken bucket. The whole stage is watching. Thank you for joining us. And please relax. >> It was a very stormy day for everyone's favorite former president today. And we are coming to you from our studio in hollywood or exhibit f, as it was entered into evidence during the donald trump hush money trial this afternoon, the prosecution today called their star witness their star witness, stormy daniels took the stand this morning. And for donald, I can only imagine the nervous farting was off the charts. It was quite a day in court. We got mentioned in court again today, which is exciting. Thanks, guys. Prosecutors asked stormy daniels about her interview on her show, in which we examined her signature. That was on a letter trump's henchmen cooked up, denying that she and trump ever did it. Daniels said she signed her name in a different way as a tip off to jimmy kimmel, who is me. Somehow, I've become the kato kaelin of this trial. They did not show a clip, but this was the exchange in question. Your original statement, the signature on the original statement does not match the signature on this statement. And I went through my library of photographs of you to compare it to headshots that you have signed and these seem to match the original statement that, and wow, am I getting it. Anything. Did you sign this letter that was released today? >> I don't know, did i? >> She played me like a fiddle and. Stormy testified for three hours and 44 minutes today. Her testimony got off to an awkward start. The bailiff swore in on a rolled up forbes magazine, and when she raised her right hand, trump instinctively shouted, I'm a bad boy, mommy! The judge. The judge said stormy could testify about her sexual relationship with trump, but also said we don't need to know the details and see now that's where I have to object. Yes, we do need to know the details. Some of us are trying to host a show here. Okay and we did get some details. >> We got some very unnecessary details, stormy said their encounter was brief and that trump did not wear a condom, which is not surprising. >> He also stared directly into an eclipse. Not exactly a safety first kind of guy, she said. They had sex in the missionary position and that trump told her she reminded him of his daughter . Feels like we should lock them up just for that, right? So I mean. We also learned that trump used to call stormy honeybunch, which interestingly, is also a term melania would use at mar a lago, as in honey, bunch of fbi agents at door to seal prosecutors. They promised the judge the testimony wouldn't involve any descriptions of the former president's genitalia. For that, you can go to our youtube channel and type in trump mushroom penis, stormy daniels has 18 million views. You'll love it. But the live court updates today, they read like, you remember the old letters to penthouse forum. Stormy daniels says she came out of the bathroom and found that trump was in the bedroom waiting for her in his boxer shorts and a t shirt she'd been planning to go. She said he was seated on the bed between her and the exit like a like a traffic cone with nipples or something. And by the way, if you're having trouble imagining trump seducing a lady in his bedroom clothes, well, just feast your eyes on this and you'll see that no one puts the mold in smoldering like donald trump. Stormy also recounted how she rummaged through trump's toiletry bag, where she found old spice deodorant and a bottle

of pert plus or explains why his hair has so much bounce. It's gentle enough to use every day, you know, another bit of scumbaggery trump participated in? He dangled the idea of putting stormy on the apprentice when he was wooing her. She said, well, what if I lose? On the first episode, trump said, he could tell her what the challenges would be ahead of time. The guy who complains everything is rigged offered to rig his stupid show to get some action. This is another fun detail. Trump watched stormy's testimony on the courtroom monitor rather than looking at her directly. He, it was odd because especially when he was looking at the monitor, he tried to fast forward to the sex scenes and nothing happened. But so after hearing the first half of stormy's testimony, trump, he nearly all caps in his pants. During the lunch break. He posted the prosecution, which has no case, has gone too far. Mistrial all. And then trump's lawyers argued that stormy's testimony was prejudicial because how is the jury supposed to be fair now that they visualized him in the missionary position? How are any of us supposed to move forward from that, really? And then this is not related to the sex, but you know how trump made a big deal of the judge not let him go to barron's high school graduation, even though the judge never said anything about not letting him go and actually is letting him go. Well, you're definitely going to believe this on the day barron is graduating in florida, trump is headlining an event in minnesota. I guess dad's not going to make the post graduation brunch. Sorry, son, I have to go scream about windmills for two hours. And then we have kristi noem, the governor of south dakota, who and number one arch enemy of the paw patrol, who, was on trump's shortlist. Many believe trump no longer considers her to be a potential running mate because she's a puppy shooter. But I don't know. She's done a really good job of distracting us from the star stuff. This week. He kind of owes her. Mike pence never did anything like that. This story is nuts and just keeps getting nuttier. Noem is now distancing herself from her own autobiography. Her book came out today, by the way. It's the perfect gift for anyone who loves traditional conservative values and is considering a career as a serial killer. Politico has a story about her first book, in which he reportedly wanted to share her dog shooting saga, and that one. But the publishers talked her out of it. They said it was a bad idea that could hurt her politically, and they were right. They were very, very right on that. So now cruella dakota is on a media tour where the right wing news suck ups like eric bolling of newsmax are desperately trying to come up with any angle that might help get her out of this mess. >> Governor, I've also written a couple of books, and I know how the process works. You write some chapters, you don't write the whole book at once. You write a chapter or two, you send it to the editors and they edit. They read it, they add, they subtract. And here's my question. The editor. The editor. Was she possibly a plant? Yes the editor was a plant. >> The editor was a philodendron working for the biden crime family. And she got in there. Good one, eric christie. No, not only did she include this story in the book, she read the dog story aloud for the audiobook book, and we'll have that for you in a moment. But first, this I know you're a mom. >> I know you're a follower of god. I know you can quote the bible. Me while because of the story the leftist media has you out there killing fido. >> No, no, we don't have you out there killing fido. You killed fido. Well, cricket eyes, what's her name? The other passage in the book that's getting a lot of attention is a tale about governor gnome meeting another gnome. North korean leader kim jong un. In the story, she brags about telling him off. Well, it turns out she didn't meet with kim jong un. It was a lie. And now, not only are they cutting it out of the book, she's doing some mary lou retton caliber verbal gymnastics to try to bs her way around it. >> Did you meet kim jong un? >> I've met with many, many world leaders. I've been traveling for years and years talking to world leaders. I've traveled the world and I've visited with world leaders. I've gone all across the world. I've met with world leaders. I have met with leaders around the world. I've met with many world leaders, many of them. I've met with many, many world leaders, many world leaders. I've met with many, many world leaders. I've met many world leaders around the world. I've been to the dmz. I've been in the dmz. I've traveled all around the world. I'm not going to talk to you about those personal meetings that I've had with world leaders. I don't have conversations about my conversations with world leaders. I don't talk about personal meetings with world leaders. I never talk about my personal meetings with world leaders. >> So maybe you did have a conversation with kim, but you don't want to talk. >> I will not talk about my

personal conversations with any world leaders. That's right. >> I will only write about it in my book, and then immediately retract it. >> Why did you remove it? Is it because it's untrue? That passage? >> No. I mean, this is something that I think is I'm not going to talk about. >> But clearly, if you're taking it out of the book, it's because it's untrue. >> I've given you my answer. No, and that's not the answer. >> You recorded the whole book and the audiobook. You read this whole passage out loud. Why didn't you take it out then when you read the audiobook? >> You know, I've traveled for years. I've been involved in policy for almost 30 years. >> Okay, I just but you didn't answer my question when you recorded. You posted pictures and video of yourself recording the audiobook. When you recorded your own audiobook, you didn't notice. >> I'm not going to discuss about my meetings with world leaders. I'm not asking you to. >> I'm asking you about recording the audio. Do you want to talk about something else today? >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Let's get back to you. Killing your puppy in a gravel pit. >> I can hear the mother behind me yelling, my chickens! No, not my chickens! As she sobbed and ran after me, bouncing the baby under her arm. All three of us chased cricket around in circles, flailing after her while she systematically grabbed one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite and then dropping it to attack another. She was like a trained assassin, right? >> Like a like a puppy. John wick okay, he's a real wick puppy is what she is. This is so crazy. And the truth is, you know, christina was getting a lot of heat for being anti duck. Shouldn't she get some credit for being so pro? Chicken the book debuted at number 58 on amazon. On behind how to catch a mama saurus. Right? Maybe she should have released a children's book instead. For instance, young yeller might be a. Kristi noem was not invited to the annual met gala last night in new york. That event is exclusively for liberal elites. The met gala is this ultra fancy costume party thrown each year by the editor of vogue, where everyone looks like something you'd see in a commercial for miracle-gro. Many very famous people were there, including zendaya, j.lo and dua lipa. The whole thing to me looks it looks like torture, like they had to carry. You can't even walk. This is how we put guillermo to bed on cinco de mayo. Okay this is this is not fashion, but is a huge habit. You know, every year these fashion correspondents, they come up with some dumb word. They repeat over and over again, like rocking. She's rocking this in moment. It's a this obsessed. This year the hot new red carpet word is giving. She is giving glamor. >> She is giving supermodel. She is giving movie star. She is giving fashion. Right there she is giving like elegance. Movie star drama on the carpet. She is giving supermodel right now. >> This is giving mother of the bride. >> She's giving silhouette, giving a beautiful body. She's giving no nothing. Just white. >> It's giving me like evil disney princess. And the best way it's giving like like easter sunday. It's also giving like queen of hearts to me. >> Yes, it's kind of giving. Like poison ivy couture. >> She's giving fashion. She's giving fun. She's giving, you know, major glam. >> She's giving body, she's giving body. >> The ponytail just gorgeous. >> You're giving me a headache is what you're giving me. It's like. Really fighting the urge to throw up right now. The theme of the met gala was sleeping beauties, and I'm surprised they didn't invite trump. He's been sleeping in court down the block for weeks now, and he's nothing if not a fashion trendsetter. This is the latest in maga where I don't know if you've seen diapers over dems. If you zoom in, you can see she's wearing a sticker. It says real men wear diapers. It seems to be an offshoot of a nickname. Trump's former lawyer, michael cohen, came up with von pants. Did you see this? And I guess rather than fight it, they've decided to embrace it, which I don't think trump will like. I don't think he wants to be known as von pants. I don't really know anybody who would want to be known as von. Enough of this strange foolery. I'm sorry, who are you? Who am i? Yes who am i? >> I am baron gunther von schützenpanzer. Oh. Oh obviously flagging von usb-c clacking foot zone. Von pants. Oh, I come from a long line of and pants, but I will not have von and pants name dishonored or disrespected. You will cease and you will desist. >> I was talking about donald trump. I didn't even know there was a von and pants family. Oh, this is something you did not know. So for someone. >> Sinbad's family. >> Oh, sure. That's a real good one. What a chuckle. Mr. Funny hausen. >> It's true. I did not know that it was there was the name von and pants is not grounds. >> If heard my grandfather. The secret word for un general

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