CKAL - Thursday, May 23, 2024 - 01:00 a.m. (ET) - Segment #4

mastermind joe biden sent an elite team of ultra liberal fbi agents to assassinate donald trump. But somehow he slipped out the back door. Somehow they missed the fact that the loudest and most famous man in america and all 15 of his secret service agents were in new jersey at the time that they raided mar-a-lago. But of course, trump was screaming about this, too. Wow. I just came out of the biden witch hunt trial in manhattan, the ice box, and was shown reports that crooked joe biden's doj, in their illegal and unconstitutional rate of mar-a-lago, authorized the fbi, the fbi to use deadly lethal force. Now we know for sure that joe biden is a serious threat to democracy. He is mentally unfit to hold office. 25th amendment. The 25th is the amendment many of his fellow republicans thought about using against him is that's how he knows it. And by the way, as far as this ice box thing, he keeps claiming he keeps making about the courtroom goes that it was freezing by every account other than his. They warm the place up for him weeks ago, in fact, a reporter brought a thermometer to the courthouse yesterday. It was 79 degrees in the hallway and 76 in court. And it's not just him. These people, these hysterical, dishonest stooges he has jockeying for space on his big pink. They're so dramatic when it comes to like, the temperature in the courtroom as a freezing ice box. Recovering stolen documents is an assassination attempt. But this. Killer. Yeah, that's just tourism. That's. I mean, that's just a. It's just a friendly group of out-of-towners learning about democracy firsthand. We got a few other bits of tid from these unsealed filings in florida. It turns out the special counsel believes trump did even more to obstruct the investigation than we'd previously known, it looks like trump moved the boxes of classified documents out of mar a lago and then realize he had to move them back in without it being captured on security cameras. This is trump's right hand man, walt nauta, moving some large boxes. Oh, in fairness, this could have been trump's burger king order that day. But we also learned that mar-a-lago had stolen documents in his bedroom, in his bathroom and scattered around on the floor. Basically, he had documents everywhere. Shaggy got caught having sex in the song. It wasn't me, the judge wrote. Notably, no excuse is provided as to how the former president could miss the classified marked documents found in his own bedroom at mar a lago. I know how they were on the floor and the man can't see his feet. Of course he misses it, but who knows? >> I mean, he might not ever even be tried for this. >> Of all the cases against trump, the documents case is the most open and shut, but it has been delayed indefinitely by a judge who was appointed by donald trump in case you're looking for conflicted judge aileen cannon is playing some kind of prevent defense while the supreme court is still rubbing their chins over trump's ridiculous argument that he has total immunity from prosecution. That's a toughie. Justice alito has been thinking about it so hard he accidentally flew his american flag right side up today, which meanwhile, trump picked up a bigly endorsement this afternoon from one of his most bitter opponents. >> So I will be voting for trump. >> Oh, she really is a birdbrain. He was right. Nikki haley says she's voting for donald trump. And after all the nice things they said about each other, why not donald trump's not watching out for the republican party. >> He's not watching out for america. He's watching out for himself. >> Does anybody know who birdbrain is? If you mock the service of a combat veteran, you don't deserve a driver's license, let alone being president of the united states. She's not tough enough. She's not smart enough, and she wasn't respected enough. >> I mean, when he goes off the teleprompter, he's unhinged and he's totally unhinged. >> She's very, rude. Do you notice that she is unhinged? >> He is more diminished. >> Birdbrain. Nikki. Birdbrain. >> He's just toxic. >> And when I watched her and the fancy dress that probably wasn't so fancy. >> Chaos follows. Donald trump. >> Birdbrain. That's nikki haley. >> Everything he touches is chaos. >> Tricky. >> Nikki, we can't win if donald trump is the nominee. >> I will say this until my last breath. >> Yeah, I guess it must be her last breath then. I don't know because she is going to vote for him. Oh, he's blubber, she's blue. >> I guess. >> And then we have rudy giuliani, who I mentioned last

night is $151 million in the hole and doing his best to chip away at that debt by selling beans. >> It's the very, very, very best beans, that you can get, arabica rather than robusta. >> Absolutely no robusto or high quality beans. That's right. >> The best beans. Not a robusto in the bunch. Yesterday giuliani was arraigned over zoom in arizona. He's charged with election crimes there. And when they went to him. Listen closely, because it sounds like he was in the bathroom doing a live stream of his own here, number 66 on today's calendar. 66 is, cr 2024. >> Is that me? Yes. It's you, mr. Giuliani, I'm just calling the 2024 006, get that man some flomax because his prostate is the size of a snow globe. There is so much madness out there right now. Fox news. All you can figure is they must think joe biden is doing a good job because they're at the point now where they're just completely making stuff up. >> When he puts out these videos that his social media team puts out of him, there should be a stroke warning for how many jump cuts they have, because I'd imagine it takes 20 to 30 takes to get one sentence at a time. >> I mean, this is embarrassing, but the left knows this, and that's why I firmly believe joe will not be the nominee in november. All of this is just testing the waters for when they swap him out for gavin newsom. Wait and watch. The calls for him to step down are going to intensify within the next couple of months. >> Maybe joe should identify as gavin newsom. Good one j.w, conspiracy or not, this is an interesting theory, one that seems to be shared by many in the republican party, even though it makes almost no sense. >> It would give gavin newsom almost no time to campaign. Hundreds of millions of dollars spent promoting joe biden would be wasted, and not least of all, gavin newsom is very focused on running our state. >> A message from the 40th governor of california. >> What's up guys? It's your loving gavin here to drop some nar about prop 83. Prop 83 is a spending bill designed to make new investments in a freaking butt ton of underfunded sectors in our great state, like renewable energy. Carly leads the nation's solar power, which is rad. But what about lunar power? I believe the moon is capable of so much more than just controlling your aunt diane's ovulation cycle. We'll take it, take it, take it, take it. Thank you. Let's put the moon to work for us. You know, we crush it when it comes to whatever, brah. Drug laws. But prop 83 hits different, allowing californians to keep up to seven ounces of hallucinogenic toad venom for personal use, plus two gallons of synthetic peyote and rando. Guatemalan lab bought with crypto off the dark web. Busan 83 also incentivizes the best and brightest in tech to live and work in silicon valley. By making vaping and offices, hospitals and ferrari dealerships mandatory. Can I hit that? >> Sure. >> But I only vape merlot. Merle, who? It was prop 83. Everybody gets a black friend like my man nate. Nate here, nate and I love to hang on the weekends and do the stuff that nate loves to do. >> I like bird watching whatever prop 83 gets binoculars for all, especially the blind. >> An earmarks 200 million to build a museum at zac efron's birthplace so future generations can learn about the high school musical franchise, his nutritional regimen, and zach's ab routine as well. And lost another black friend, 9901 hundo. Hey brother, could I get a squirt of that good stuff? So do me a solid to ensure a bright future for all golden state or skaters, vote yes on prop 83. Hey, do you watch birds? >> Paid for by the middle aged woman rooting for zac efron's trash. >> All right, well, we have some very funny people on the show for tonight. Patton oswalt is here, and we'll be right back with amy poehler. >> Down! ( ) ( ) ( )

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