CKAL - Saturday, May 25, 2024 - 01:00 a.m. (ET) - Segment #4

I just had one, actually. You have a better chance of being hit by lightning than hitting a whale with your boat. The late, great hannibal lecter is a wonderful man. If you like to see a nice bird cemetery, walk under a windmill some time. Never ever call chris christie a fat pig, ever. 100%, I wish you a lot of luck. Work hard. Do the best you can, and remember what I said. No drugs, no alcohol. Have a good life. The american dream is dead. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> Jimmy: all off the top. So then after the graduation, fiberace went straight to the annual lincoln-reagan dinner in minnesota, where he either falsely or just dumbly claimed he won the state in 2020, and where for a guy who claims he doesn't use a teleprompter, he got pretty upset about his teleprompter. >> How about that? Before I get up, the teleprompter fell down. That's great. Great going, fellows, back there. Then they want to know why I didn't pay the bill. I get a lot of heat. >> Jimmy: he gets a lot of heat when he doesn't pay his bill. [ laughter ] except for his heating bill. When he doesn't pay those, he gets no heat. [ laughter ] who brags about stiffing workers on a stage at a campaign event? You know, a lot of people were surprised to hear that trump and biden were able to agree to the terms and dates of two debates. They're having one in june and another in september. But of course, this being donald trump, there are always a few bonus rules to throw in. >> I just want to debate this guy. But, you know, and I'm going to demand a drug test too, by the way. I am. No, I really am. I don't want him coming in like the state of the union. He was high as a kite. [ laughter ] >> Jimmy: that's right. Sleepy joe can barely put two sentences together, but he's also firing on all cylinders, when he's on cocaine. [ laughter ] what is this? What are they going to test him for? Sarsaparilla? I mean really. [ laughter ] and are we to believe that taking drugs makes one a better debater? I don't know if any of you have experience with this, but from what I have gathered, that is not usually the case. Listen, the only drug joe biden is on starts with meta and ends with mucil. [ laughter ] of course, trump might not have to worry about any of this, because he could be locked up on rikers island for the debates. It's a real possibility. But the good news is even when he is gone, he has inspired a massive new wave of crazies led by people like marjorie taylor greene, who are keeping the trump tradition of simple-minded boorishness alive and well. >> Do you know what we're here for? >> You know what you're here for. >> I think your fake eyelashes are messing up -- >> Hold on. >> Order. >> How dare you attack the physical appearance of another person. >> Are your feelings hurt? >> Move her words down. Oh, girl, baby girl. >> Oh, really? >> Don't even play. >> Jimmy: that happened during a hearing, not "the real housewives." that was the hearing from the house oversight committee. Marjorie taylor greene heckled a congresswoman from texas, jasmine crockett, and got a whole hell of a lot more than she bargained for. >> I'm just curious, just to better understand your ruling. If someone on the committee then starts talking about somebody's bleach blond bad built butch body, that would not be engaging personalities, correct? >> A what now? >> Chairman? >> Jimmy: imagine having the words “bleach blonde, bad built, butch body” right at the tip of your tongue? [ laughter ] it's miraculous. If drake had that, he would have had no trouble with kendrick lamar. [ cheers and applause ] and then we have the maga O.G. rudy giuliani, who celebrated his 80th birthday over the weekend. Rudy had a party in palm beach, where guests serenaded him with what might be the most off-key version of “happy birthday” ever recorded. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you happy birthday dear rudy, happy birthday to you >> Jimmy: and he died, yes. [ laughter ] no. So this is where it gets funny. Rudy, as you may know, has been charged with making false claims of voter fraud in arizona after the election in 2020. And I guess he was feeling a bit feisty because he posted "if arizona authorities can't find me by tomorrow morning -- they must dismiss the indictment." so then, two agents looked at the video, figured out where his party was, they showed up and served him the papers. [ laughter ] happy birthday, dummy. What a lawyer. [ applause ] the attorney general from arizona has been trying to track him down for weeks. This has to be the second-most embarrassing thing that ever happened to rudy giuliani, the first of course being the time he held a conference outside a dildo store. [ laughter ] speaking of crazy old italian people, my aunt chippy.

[ laughter and cheers ] if you watch this show regularly, you know we really like to get her going. When she is not appearing reluctantly on this show, she volunteers helping her friend who owns a trophy shop in las vegas. It's a sanctuary for her. It's a sanctuary that my cousin sal and my cousin micki managed to penetrate to bring us this test of aunt chippy's patience and professionalism. >> Now you got your stuff? >> She is grabbing it for me, yeah. >> All right, I'm cousin sal. We have pranked aunt chippy, what, a million times, maybe more, never with the help of my cousin micki. Who is aunt chippy's youngest daughter. You ready, mick? >> I am. >> Maybe we should switch seats. Let's do this. Go get her! >> Okay, you're all set. >> I'm set. Thank you. >> So now, wendy, when it feels right, you can bring her up to the front and tell her about the trophy. >> Come with me. I'll show you something. >> You want me to come? >> Yeah. Didn't you notice a humongous trophy? Look, it's practically touching the ceiling. >> It's for the vegas knights. >> Someone from vegas knights is going to come pick this up, their stanley trophy because they won the championship last year. They're going to present it next week. >> Be very gentle, very gentle. >> He is going to come in this morning for it. >> This is what is coming in. >> You just touched it. >> Not anything. So I can say yes, I touched that trophy. >> Okay. Jeremy, you ready? Okay. All right. Lots of ringing. Lots of knocking. She loves it all. [ doorbell ] [ doorbell ] [ phone ringing ] [ knocking ] >> I hear ya! Hey, hey. [ knocking ] [ doorbell ] [ knocking ] [ doorbell ] >> Hey, I hear you. Whoa! >> I couldn't tell if you hear me. I'm just following the signs. You could make a sign what you want me to do. That's what you do, right? >> Banging on the door 15 times is not acceptable. What can I do for you? >> Guilty as charged. Guilty as charged. >> What can I do for you? >> So I got a trophy I had made, but it wasn't right. I got to fix it is the problem. >> You had it made here? >> Yeah. >> Where is the trophy? >> I left it in the car. I'll be right back. [ laughter ] [ bleep ]. >> Come back and knock and ring and all the stuff. [ doorbell ] [ knocking ] [ doorbell ] [ phone ringing ] [ knocking ] >> I hear you! [ knocking ] >> You're ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. >> What? >> You're ridiculous. Never heard anything like you. >> Sorry. I didn't see you at the counter. I told you I would be right back. You locked me out. >> You're getting on my nerves. Give me what you got before I ask you to leave. >> Let me show you what happened here. Okay. What does that say to you? >> Best dog ever. >> Okay. That's the problem. I'm a producer. I make movies. Okay. This is for my actor, all right? It says best dog. It was supposed to say "best dong" ever. [ laughter ] >> Where is your paperwork? Wonderful. >> If we add an "n" to the trophy -- >> All you do is add an "n." >> You don't just add an "n." >> It's missing the "n." >> You've got to redo the whole thing over. That's why I need the original paperwork. Now if it d-o-n-g on the original paperwork, you will get it done for free. If it says best dog ever, you will pay for it to be reprinted. >> But you know the difference between a dog and a dong. >> A dog and a dong, no. [ laughter ] so what I will do is I will take this. I will find the original paperwork. >> Look, it's not supposed to be this. It's supposed to be this. [ moans and laughter ] it's supposed to be on top, not a dog. So we've got to add an "n." we got to put this on top. That's the difference. Where are you going now? >> I'm going to tell you right now, you've already gotten on my nerves. I'm going to get the original paperwork. So you just calm yourself down and stand there. [ laughter ] >> I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. >> We got off on too many wrong feet. >> Can I just say one thing? >> Go ahead.

>> It's okay? I make movies. Maybe you've heard of them. "grandma got run over by a threesome"? >> No. I don't care. >> "debbie does dentures"? >> I don't go to the movies. I don't go to the movies. >> "the golden shower girls"? These movies -- >> I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Not a clue. >> We do classy movies. We do geriatric porn. >> It's all geriatric porn. >> I'm busy! [ laughter ] >> You got a phone call. >> Please leave. >> Hey, salami stallion, where are you at? >> Picking up your trophy right now. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll see you here. Okay. >> Go, out, out, out! >> The salami stallion is on his way. >> Out! >> Oh, here he is, the salami stallion. >> Hey! How you doing? >> You son of a -- salami stallion. >> Do you have my trophy ready? Was she nice to you? >> No, not at all. >> You made a trip in from california for this? You son of a -- >> Yeah, it's a beautiful trophy. >> Let me die. Just let me die. >> Not yet, not yet. Well, listen. I wish I could give you a trophy. Maybe I'll give you this one here -- >> Oh my god! Oh my god! Sal, the guy is coming in for that! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. >> All right. Oh, no. [ cheers and applause ] >> Jimmy: oh, there she is. Aunt chippy, everybody! [ cheering ] thank you, aunt chippy. We have a fun show for you tonight. Tony goldwyn is here. And we'll be right back with jennifer lopez. Its been a long time comin... You dont win it to keep it, you win it to be a part of its history!” and I always knew Always hard to see the difference between winning and losing!” Got a heart of steel (crowd erupts) Ta da da daaaa Stanley Cup Champions!” You know we waited such... a long time, long time! (celebration cheers) Ta da da daaaa The quest for the hardest trophy in win in sports!” Well here it is... Here it is! ( ) ( ) ( ) Every morning is a chance to start fresh... With Wendy's new Sausage Bacon Deluxe And our fan favorite crispy seasoned potatoes Get both for just five dollars. Made fresh to order. ( ) (vo) If you're taking a trip with your friends...why pay for four hotel rooms tostay apart, when you could get one Airbnb and stay together? I Like It - Cardi b, Bad Bunny, j Balvin "you can have it all" by george mccrae You. Look. Fabulous. - No, you. - You! You! - Youuuuuu! - Youuuuuu! - It's Old Navy. - It's Old Navy. We're being framed. The bounty is dead or alive. (Gunfire) No backup. It's just us. We need guns... (Clicking) a ride... (Tires squealing) Some clothes. Man: What are you boys doing? "Boys"? Are y'all stealing our clothes? Y'all think just because we black we stealing your clothes? Now these are my own black clothes that I put on today from my own black closet. Marcus... What? Look at your shirt. How'd this get in my black closet? (Chuckle) "Bad Boys".Tickets on sale now. Savings is the name of the game for us when we shop. I thought we were playing charades? So, we use Rakuten to get Cha-Ching. While we're gaming? Go. We get Cash Back at hundreds of stores. Cha-Ching! Health and beauty, clothes, electronics... No, no. Office supplies? Uh huh! Shoes, Home and Garden... Travel! On all of that and more. [buzzer] So, even when we're losing game night, we're winning.

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