CJCH - Sunday, May 26, 2024 - 11:00 p.m. (ET) - Segment #1

Alex. >> Bad-- bad association? >> Yeah. In college I sat next to an Alex in Art History, and he was always drinking coffee, and after every sip he would go, "Ah!" (Audience laughter) I mean, every 2 seconds: "Ah!" And he would take, like, 40 sips, and after every one: "Ah!" I had to drop the class. (Soft instrumental music) >> Hey. >> Hi. >> Hi. I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over. >> Oh, no problem. That's fine. >> What's with this music? >> It's, uh, new age music. Sounds of the forest. (Audience laughter) I find it soothing. >> Ah. Hey, look at this. What do you know? A massage table! (Chuckles) This is great! (Clicking) >> What are you doing? >> Ah, just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment. (Audience laughter) >> Actually, I should get a new one. >> Oh, nonsense. This one's fine. >> So, where do you want to go? >> Go? Why go anywhere? Ah, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... that's good. (Audience laughter) Yeah, that's-- that's nice. That's-- that's very nice. >> No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this. >> Why? Why, what's wrong? >> I can't! >> No! Yes you can! (Audience laughter) >> No, I can't! >> Yeah-- no, no, come on! I know it's something you want to do! (Smooching) >> You know what? >> Mm? >> I should really go talk to her. (Audience laughter) Nothing confrontational, just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. You know, I just know if I could spend some time alone with her... I've got to. I-- I've got to. >> You're going now? (Audience laughter) >> Well, I think I can still catch her. >> Alright, George, I have had just about enough of this. >> What? What-- what are you talking about. >> I am talking about you and-- and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her! >> I know. I know. (Audience laughter) >> Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you going to pick? (Audience laughter) >> I'm sorry, Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. >> Well, now I hate you! >> That I'm used to. (Audience laughter) >> Ned? >> What is wrong with Ned? >> Ned's a guy who... buys irregular underwear. Next! (Audience laughter) >> Ellis. >> Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing! >> Ellis and Alex aren't even close! >> Next! >> Oh, what is the point? >> No, no. Come on! >> Okay. Okay. Remy. (Audience laughter) >> Remy Rifkin? >> Mm-hmm. >> Should I get a beret? (Audience laughter) >> Oh, Stuart's a lot better! Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother. (Audience laughter) (Groaning) >> Jerry: What do you mean, no? >> No means no. >> Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser. (Audience laughter) >> Listen. I massage who I want when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (Audience laughter) I'm getting out of here. >> Fine, go! (Audience laughter) (Audience applause) >> Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please? >> What for? >> We need to talk. >>Youneed to talk? >> We have nothing to talk about. >> Look, it's no secret what's going on between us. (Audience laughter) She doesn't like me. Now, Jerry, if you don't mind. >> George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me. (Audience laughter) >> Jerry... this woman hates me so much... I'm starting to like her. (Audience laughter) >> What? >> She just dislikes me so much. It's irresistible. (Audience laughter) >> I can see that. (Audience laughter) >> I'm getting out of here. Don't call me. >> Don't worry. (Audience laughter) >> A woman that hates me this much... comes along once in a lifetime. (Audience laughter)

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(movie playing over TV) This movie baffles me every time we watch it. What do you mean? The instructions are very clear: "Don't feed the gremlins after midnight." "Don't get the gremlins wet." How hard is that? (door opening) Hi, guys. Hi, honey. Hey. Ooh, we're "honey" now, are we? Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls "sweetie," usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult. You're boring people, sweetie. Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely. So, what are you guys doing? Celebrating Columbus Day. We're watchingGoonies, Gremlins andYoung Sherlock Holmes. They're all written by Chris Columbus. Okay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving? The parade. Oh, you know, that reminds me-- I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving, but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial. What's he on trial for? Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you'd actually like my brother. He's kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here, and you are all invited. Oh. I'll be there. Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce? I guess I could serve both. You guess? You don't seem to have much of a handle on this. Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year, my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil. Tur-briska-fil? Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds. Raj, what about you? Oh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal? (sobs) All right, this year, you don't have to eat the tur-briska-fil. (chuckles) I don't even chew it. I swallow it like pills. Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! A NEW EPISODE OF GREY'S ANATOMY ON CTV Meet Febreze's Miracle Spray. NEW Febreze Fabric Refresher. I literally use this every day. To enjoy it's freshness for hours! After I make the bed, after I catch my dog on the couch. So I can wear my jacket one more time. It even makes shoes smell fresh. Febreze doesn't cover up odours with scent, but fights them and freshens! Over one thousand uses. Febreze Fabric Refresher. Safe to use around cats and dogs. A delicious McWrap can be hard to put down. But with new Creamy Avocado Ranch sauce, it's even harder. So what'll it be Sarah? Juicy text, or juicy bite? Obviously. For the McWrap fans. ( ) [ ]"Ready?" Change is inevitable. It can send you offin new directions... show you the unexpected. Like how your favouritespot isn't yours anymore... it's theirs. Introducing thecompletely reborn three rowHyundai SANTA FE. WAH changes everything. [Hyundai sting] Mother: My family loves to travel. Whoa... (Exhaling) And I love it when they all come back home. Toffifee combines what everyone loves. Caramel, hazelnut, nougat cream and chocolate. (Laughter) Head & Shoulders is launching something huge. The bare minimum. Anti-dandruff shampoo made with just 9 ingredients. No sulfates, silicones or dyes and packaged with 45% less plastic. Giving you clinically proven dandruff control. And leaving hair beautiful and moisturized. Dandruff control. Minimal ingredients. Job done. NEW Head & Shoulders BARE. Yeah, I like to swing. And I like to get Cash Back when I swing. Just download the browser extension and shop as usual. And click to activate Cash Back or coupons at hundreds of stores. Cha-ching. I'd do anything Welcome to the new PetSmart Treats rewardsTM.

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