CITY - Wednesday, May 22, 2024 - 11:00 p.m. (ET) - Segment #4

Announcer: reads words on screen from hollywood, it's jimmy kimmel live! Tonight, amy poehler had nashwan and slash with cleto and the cletones. And now jimmy kimmel. A very nice. Show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us here. And the studio and beautiful los angeles, california, where we are joined once again by the great guitar phenom slash. >> Everybody is here with us. >> Slash splashes. >> This is night three of slash's miniature residency with the cletones. It's a good night to be here. You don't want to be out there tonight or really ever. The world health organization, is warning that sexually transmitted infections, stis, as they call them, are on the rise in a big way. They went down, they went way down during covid. But I guess people are back out doing filthy things and they're up again for stis, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and trichomonas, something like that. Each each one nearly impossible to spell, are accounting for a million new infections a day. Even the rate of babies born with stis has shot up, which is the worst? I mean, is there anything creepier than getting syphilis from your mom? No. And also, what happened to monkeypox? Where is that hiding? Is it? I mean, I think it's coming back. That was supposed to be the next big thing. That was like the segway of diseases. And it just. But it is important to spread the word. Maybe instead of like a press release is great, but it would be better if they shared this information in places where the people most at risk for stis would be likely to see it like like the side of a bottle of mountain dew or something. You know, sexually transmitted infections have been around for a very long time. In fact, researchers from brazil just released newly discovered evidence they tested bones from skeletons and found that neanderthals had an ancient form of herpes. Either that, or the night watchman at the museum has some serious explaining to do. But neandertal males are an extinct group of humans that lived until about 40,000 years ago. This is what they look like. This is taken at the exact moment they found out they had herpes and. But then he and the door on the right, the female looks familiar to me, right? I mean, yes, that's right. >> That's that's her. Explains a lot. >> Marjorie taylor greene is part of you know, this would actually be funny if it wasn't so stupid. And dangerous. Yesterday. Files were unsealed in the trump stolen documents case. They revealed that when the fbi searched mar-a-lago in 2022, the agents were authorized to use deadly force if necessary, which is standard operating procedure. Whenever the fbi execute a search warrant. But in the maga verse, it is a plot to kill donald trump. Clan mom led the charge. She wrote the biden, doj and fbi were planning to assassinate president trump and gave the green light. Does everyone get it yet? What are republicans going to do about it? What a rich imagination this woman has. You'd almost think she has the brain of a child, you know. So the fbi felt the need to put out a statement that said the fbi followed standard protocol in the search, as we do for all search warrants. No one ordered additional steps to be taken, and there was no departure from the norm in this matter. But did that stop the right wing outrage machine from spinning like matt? Oh, of course it didn't. >> Fox news alert a major bombshell in the trump documents case. The fbi authorized the use of deadly force. >> The department of injustice effectively put a shoot to kill order on the corrupt raid of mar a lago. >> So they were, in essence, prepared to shoot and kill former president donald trump, our democratic democrats trying to kill our president. >> They were actually thinking of using deadly force. It's pretty extraordinary. >> Deadly force to shoot, to kill over paperwork. >> What was life threatening about pieces of paper? >> Maybe they wanted the engagement of physical force. >> They are showing up as though they're drug dealers who are armed, treating him the same way they would if they were going into a drug den. >> These people are sick. It's crazy. >> It's crazy.

>> It just seems so crazy. Seriously, jim, this is crazy stuff. This is crazy. This is wild. This is dangerous. So dangerous. So say a prayer. All right. >> Let's we will pray that you are someday able to experience an emotion called shame. Because this is the diabolical mastermind joe biden sent an elite team of ultra liberal fbi agents to assassinate donald trump. But somehow he slipped out the back door. Somehow they missed the fact that the loudest and most famous man in america and all 15 of his secret service agents were in new jersey at the time that they raided mar-a-lago. But of course, trump was screaming about this, too. Wow. I just came out of the biden witch hunt trial in manhattan, the ice box, and was shown reports that crooked joe biden's doj, in their illegal and unconstitutional rate of mar-a-lago, authorized the fbi, the fbi to use deadly lethal force. Now we know for sure that joe biden is a serious threat to democracy. He is mentally unfit to hold office. 25th amendment. The 25th is the amendment many of his fellow republicans thought about using against him is that's how he knows it. And by the way, as far as this ice box thing, he keeps claiming he keeps making about the courtroom goes that it was freezing by every account other than his. They warm the place up for him weeks ago, in fact, a reporter brought a thermometer to the courthouse yesterday. It was 79 degrees in the hallway and 76 in court. And it's not just him. These people, these hysterical, dishonest stooges he has jockeying for space on his big pink. They're so dramatic when it comes to like, the temperature in the courtroom as a freezing ice box. Recovering stolen documents is an assassination attempt. But this. Killer. Yeah, that's just tourism. That's. I mean, that's just a. It's just a friendly group of out-of-towners learning about democracy firsthand. We got a few other bits of tid from these unsealed filings in florida. It turns out the special counsel believes trump did even more to obstruct the investigation than we'd previously known, it looks like trump moved the boxes of classified documents out of mar a lago and then realize he had to move them back in without it being captured on security cameras. This is trump's right hand man, walt nauta, moving some large boxes. Oh, in fairness, this could have been trump's burger king order that day. But we also learned that mar-a-lago had stolen documents in his bedroom, in his bathroom and scattered around on the floor. Basically, he had documents everywhere. Shaggy got caught having sex in the song. It wasn't me, the judge wrote. Notably, no excuse is provided as to how the former president could miss the classified marked documents found in his own bedroom at mar a lago. I know how they were on the floor and the man can't see his feet. Of course he misses it, but who knows? >> I mean, he might not ever even be tried for this. >> Of all the cases against trump, the documents case is the most open and shut, but it has been delayed indefinitely by a judge who was appointed by donald trump in case you're looking for conflicted judge aileen cannon is playing some kind of prevent defense while the supreme court is still rubbing their chins over trump's ridiculous argument that he has total immunity from prosecution. That's a toughie. Justice alito has been thinking about it so hard he accidentally flew his american flag right side up today, which meanwhile, trump picked up a bigly endorsement this afternoon from one of his most bitter opponents. >> So I will be voting for trump. >> Oh, she really is a birdbrain. He was right. Nikki haley says she's voting for donald trump. And after all the nice things they said about each other, why not donald trump's not watching out for the republican party. >> He's not watching out for america. He's watching out for himself. >> Does anybody know who birdbrain is? If you mock the service of a combat veteran, you don't deserve a driver's license, let alone being president of the united states. She's not tough enough. She's not smart enough, and she wasn't respected enough. >> I mean, when he goes off the teleprompter, he's unhinged and he's totally unhinged. >> She's very, rude. Do you notice that she is unhinged? >> He is more diminished. >> Birdbrain. Nikki. Birdbrain. >> He's just toxic. >> And when I watched her and the fancy dress that probably wasn't so fancy. >> Chaos follows. Donald trump. >> Birdbrain. That's nikki haley. >> Everything he touches is chaos.

Copyright protected and owned by broadcaster. Your licence is limited to private, internal, non-commercial use. All reproduction, broadcast, transmission or other use of this work is strictly prohibited.

Transcripts