Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Saturday Rage List

Artur signs with Southampton. (SaintsFC.co.uk)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. FINALLY SIGNING WITH A NEW CLUB -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WENT FOR MY INTERVIEW AT SOUTHAMPTON I DROP KICKED THE DOOR TO THEIR BOARDROOM AND THEN I HEADBUTTED THEIR CONFERENCE TABLE INTO TOOTHPASTE AND SAID "JOIN ME IN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THEY SAID "ARTUR WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A GOALKEEPER TO SAY THAT SINCE MAY!!!!!!!!! YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THEN I SAID "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THEY SAID "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THEN I BOUGHT FRAPPUCCINOS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MICHAEL AGAZZI'S BACKHEEL SAVE -- YESTERDAY I KICKED A HIVE OF RACIST BEES JUST LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THAT!??!?!?!?!!?!??!

3. THE FIRST EPISODE OF BEING: LIVERPOOL -- I'VE ALREADY SUGGESTED WE DO THIS AT SOUTHAMPTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT IT WILL BE CALLED "SOUTHAMPTON: WHERE IS THE LIBRARY??!?!!?!?!" AND EACH EPISODE WILL INVOLVE ME PUNCHING STREET SIGNS AS I TRY TO FIND THE LOCAL LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE WILL ALSO BE FINANCIAL TIPS AND COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- IT'S TURNING THE CHILDREN INTO PERVERTS!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EXCEPT FOR THE CURRENT MANAGEMENT AT SOUTHAMPTON LISTEN TO ME??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

5. BARCELONA REQUESTING FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS -- I DEMAND LLAMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. SOMEONE THROWING AT EXPLOSIVE DURING AN AFC CHAMPIONS LEAGUE MATCH -- THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T THROW EXPLOSIVES AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE NOT EXPECTING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THROW THEM AT ME WHEN I COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND WAKE YOU UP TO POLITELY ASK YOU TO AN INCH AWAY FROM YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S JUST BEING A GOOD HOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. THE SOUTHAMPTON BOAT SHOW -- I'M GLAD I GOT HERE TO SEE THE END OF IT BUT I'M NOT GLAD THAT I'M TOO LATE TO HOST A CLINIC ON SURVIVING A SHIPWRECK WITH TIPS FROM THE CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE THE LITTLE MERMAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH FLOUNDER WILL SAVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! FLOUNDER WILL ALWAYS SAVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. MY NEW TEAMMATES -- I DRANK A BUNCH OF LIGHTER FLUID SO I WOULDN'T BE NERVOUS WHEN I MET THEM!!!!!!!!!!! BUT WHEN I DID THEY ALL SAID "YOU SMELL LIKE LIGHTER FLUID" AND THEY SAID IT LIKE THAT WAS UNUSUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I TOLD THEM IT WAS BECAUSE I DRANK A BUNCH OF IT THEY ALL LAUGHED SO THAT WAS NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS PACKING UP MY THINGS IN MY HOUSE BACK IN ITALY WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER BEFORE I EVEN INVITED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WAS GOING TO ANYWAY SO IT DIDN'T REALLY MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM I WAS MOVING TO ENGLAND TO PLAY IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE AND HE CONGRATULATED ME!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN HE SAID THAT I DON'T HAVE TO BUY HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS A NEW HOUSE NEXT TO MINE THERE LIKE I DID WHEN I MOVED FROM CELTIC TO FIORENTINA BECAUSE HIS FAMILY HAS SETTLED IN ITALY AND IT WOULD PROBABLY BE BEST IF THEY STAYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAID "OK DAN BUT I ALREADY BOUGHT YOU ALL PLANE TICKETS TO COME WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT IF HE FALLS ASLEEP ON MY SHOULDER DURING THE FLIGHT AGAIN I WILL RIP OFF MY ARM AND THROW IT INTO SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID "THANKS BUT WE'RE GOING TO STAY HERE" AND THEN I SAID GOODBYE TO DAN AND HIS GOOBER KIDS AND GAVE THEM ALL WEAPONIZED AMAZON KINDLES TO REMEMBER ME BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE MY NEW NEIGHBOR HAS A TABLE SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE MY NEW NEIGHBOR IS A TABLE SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!