Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. PUMPING IRON -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL LIKE I COULD PUNCH A HOLE THROUGH ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC KICKING A GOALKEEPER IN THE CHEST -- I AM SICK OF YOUR PONYTAILED NONSENSE IBRAHIMOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUR BLACK BELT IN TAEKWONDO BECAUSE I HAVE A FLESH COLORED FOREHEAD THAT CAN OBSORB THE IMPACT OF A THOUSAND MATING CARIBOUS AND DELIVER THE FORCE OF SEVERAL DOZEN VOMITING DRUNK GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS IBRAHIMOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY ARE BARBELLS SO HEAVY?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

3. SCHALKE OPENING A CEMETERY FOR FANS -- I BRIEFLY CONSIDERED CREATING A CEMETERY IN MY YARD FOR MY FANS BUT THEN I SAW THE MOVIE POLTERGEIST AND REALIZED I DO NOT WANT TO MESS AROUND WITH THAT STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL IT WOULD BE TO GET STUCK INSIDE A FLAT PANEL TELEVISION?!?!?!?!?!??!?! IN CASE YOU ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH MODERN TELEVISIONS I WILL TELL YOU THAT IT WOULD BE VERY PAINFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL ALSO TELL YOU THAT SPAGHETTI IS DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I WAS WALKING AROUND SOUTHAMPTON TRYING TO FIND THE LOCAL UNDERGROUND DOLPHIN FIGHTING RING BUT INSTEAD I CAME ACROSS A CHEWED UP CORN COB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!????!?!?! WHO WALKS AROUND EATING CORN AND DROPPING COBS IN THE STREET?!?!?!?!?!! NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CORN IS CLEARLY TRYING TO WEAPONIZE ITS COBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY WON'T THE UNITED NATIONS DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?!??!?!?!?!?!?!? THIS IS EXACTLY WHY BUREAUCRACY IS KILLING US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. THROWING THE BALL AT AN OPPONENT'S HEAD ON CONSECUTIVE THROW-IN ATTEMPTS -- TWO IS IMPRESSIVE BUT THREE WOULD HAVE DESTROYED SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH PEOPLE NEVER COME THROUGH WHEN YOU NEED THEM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. ANGRY BLACK HOLES -- SOME OF YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT I MADE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION A WHILE BACK IN WHICH I PLEDGED TO QUIT SMOKING AND STOP DRINKING VODKA AND LOSE WEIGHT AND REMOVE BLACK HOLES FROM SPACE AND FIGHT HUNGER IN ETHIOPIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN MY ATTEMPT TO REMOVE THE BLACK HOLES IT SEEMS I HAVE ONLY MADE THEM ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S MY BAD YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. ROD STEWART CRYING AFTER CELTIC BEAT BARCELONA -- I ADMIT THAT I ALSO GOT QUITE EMOTIONAL AFTER THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT INSTEAD OF CRYING LIKE A HUMAN BEING WITH STUPID EMOTIONS I CRANKED UP THE LATEST TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM AT FULL BLAST AND MICROWAVED EGGS UNTIL FIRE BRIGADE SHOWED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT GROWN UPS DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT GROWN UPS DO!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. BLURNT -- WHY ISN'T THIS A WORD?!!?!??!??!?! THE DICTIONARY IS A FARCE!!!!!!!!!

9. MY NEW NEIGHBOR STEVE PHILBIN -- SO I WAS UNPACKING MY BOX OF COLLECTABLE FORKS ON TUESDAY WHEN MY NEW NEIGHBOR STEVE PHILBIN CAME OVER TO ASK IF I KNEW THAT IT WAS DARK OUTSIDE AND MY OUTDOOR LIGHTS WEREN'T ON YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM THAT I DID NOT KNOW EITHER OF THOSE THINGS BECAUSE I WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH MY FORKS AND SOLVING THIS BLACK HOLE ISSUE EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT NOBODY LIKES STEVE PHILBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IF THIS GUY DOESN'T LEAVE ME ALONE I AM GOING TO DEPORT HIM FROM THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE BY LOCKING HIM IN A STARBUCKS BATHROOM FOR SEVERAL MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!