Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Artur Boruc using his shirt as a rage veil. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. EURO 2012 -- THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP WITHOUT ME OR MY PLANS FOR THE OPENING CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!! POLAND GET KNOCKED OUT IN THE GROUP STAGE EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE PLAYING AT HOME THERE ARE PIGS TRYING TO PREDICT WINNERS AND I AM LAYING DOWN WITH MY HEAD INSIDE MY SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH IT SMELLS LIKE FAKE MEAT IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. GOALKEEPER BEATING UP THE POSTS -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?! THE GOALPOSTS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!! YOUR ANGER IS BEING COMPLETELY MISDIRECTED AND IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE IT'S MISDIRECTED ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST SWALLOWED A HAIR AND I DON'T THINK IT WAS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. HEAVY METAL KAKA -- EATING A HOT DOG AND WAITING FOR A BUS IS NOT METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MEETING A GIRL AT A DOMINO'S PIZZA ESTABLISHMENT AND THEN TAKING HER BACK TO YOUR PLACE SO YOU CAN STRAIGHTEN HER HAIR ALL NIGHT IS METAL!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I DON'T MEAN THAT AS A METAPHOR I MEAN I WILL LITERALLY MAKE YOUR HAIR STRAIGHT WITH MY HOT APPARATUS!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH WHY ARE MY WORDS PERVERTING THEMSELVES?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

4. CORN -- IF YOU SPELL UEFA BACKWARDS YOU GET CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL NOT THAT EXACT WORD BUT A WORD THAT I JUST MADE UP THAT CAN MEAN EITHER CORN OR TUGBOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. NICKLAS BENDTNER'S UNDERPANTS FINE -- THERE GOES MY PLAN TO ADVERTISE FOR STEVE'S SPOON STORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS A LOT BENDTNER!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH I THINK I JUST SWALLOWED ANOTHER HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS IT ALL COMING FROM!??!??!?!?!?!?

6. WAYNE ROONEY'S HAIRSPRAY CELEBRATION -- OHMYGOD YOUR HAIR IS THE FREAKIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN SINCE THE TIME I WOKE UP TO FIND AN IMAGINARY LIBRARIAN EATING TURKEY SLICES OUT OF A JAR SHAPED LIKE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. MARIO BALOTELLI'S VERSION OF YOGA -- EVERYONE KNOWS YOGA INVOLVES CROSSBOWS AND FEELINGS OF PERSONAL EXPLORATION!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT CORNER FLAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR LIP GLOSS FOR THAT MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. STAMPS -- I FORGOT THEY STILL EXISTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS READING A PAMPHLET ABOUT GARDENING WHILE PUNCHING AN ANT WITH MY NECK WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER LOOKING DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS WRONG AND HE SAID HE WAS STILL DOWN ABOUT POLAND GETTING KNOCKED OUT OF THE TOURNAMENT AND ASKED ME HOW I WAS HANDLING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAID I WAS HANDLING IT JUST FINE EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER THINK ABOUT MONKEYPOX IN MY SALAD THAN THE NATIONAL TEAM PLAYING WITHOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN HE SAID THAT IF I'M ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT THEN HE KNOWS HE SHOULDN'T FEEL TOO BAD EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHEN I KICKED MY DVD PLAYER SO HARD THAT IT TRIED TO READ MY FOOT LIKE A LASERDISC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE IT STILL WORKS AFTER THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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