Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

(AP)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. PEOPLE SAYING I THREW A WATER BOTTLE AT FANS -- I WOULD NEVER DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS THEY WERE RANGERS FANS THEN I WOULD STRONGLY CONSIDER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN THEY WATCHED THE CCTV FEED BACK THEY SAW THAT I ACTUALLY THREW THE BOTTLE AT THE ADVERTISING BOARD AND JUST SWORE AT THE FANS BUT THAT WAS TOTALLY JUSTIFIED SINCE THE ADVERTISING BOARD WAS SHOWING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES FROM THE CORN AND THE FANS WERE SWEARING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DISRESPECTFUL WOULD IT BE TO NOT SWEAR BACK AT PEOPLE SWEARING AT YOU?!?!?!?!?!? THE ANSWER IS: VERY DISRESPECTFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. THAT FOOTBALLER WHO BURNED HIS NIPPLE WITH MILK -- I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!!!!!!!!!!! IF I HAD A DRAGON FOR EVERY TIME I BURNED MY NIPPLES ON MILK OR APPLE SAUCE OR ORANGE JUICE I WOULD HAVE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF DRAGONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PROTECT YOUR NIPPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. ALEX MORGAN AND SYDNEY LEROUX'S HALLOWEEN COSTUMES -- I DRESSED AS TAYLOR SWIFT CROSSED WITH AN APOCALYPTIC WARRIOR AND IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEIRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH HER EARLIER WORK WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER NEW STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THE LAST FEW WEEKS I'VE BEEN WRITING RAGE LISTS BUT NONE OF THEM HAVE BEEN APPEARING ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE THE CORN MENACE SWITCHED MY INTERNET BROWSER WITH A CANISTER OF TEAR GAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY TIME I TRIED TO PUBLISH THEM THE TEAR GAS WENT OFF IN MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST SOME GREAT NEW FEATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH WHY CAN'T APPLE EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?!?!??!??!?!

5. UKRAINIAN GOALKEEPER PUNCHING AN OPPONENT IN THE FACE -- THIS GIVES ALL OF US GOALKEEPERS A BAD NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER I SAW THIS I WENT THROUGH THE STREETS OF SOUTHAMPTON SCREAMING COMPLIMENTS IN THE FACES OF OLD PEOPLE TO COUNTERBALANCE THIS NEGATIVE ACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEVERAL OF THEM DIED BUT I AM REASONABLY CONFIDENT THAT THEY DIED FEELING GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. FAILING TO RECOGNIZE ROBBIE KEANE -- ONE TIME I TALKED TO GOLF LEGEND COLIN MONTGOMERIE FOR THREE HOURS WITHOUT REALIZING HE WAS GOLF LEGEND COLIN MONTGOMERIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS LATER INFORMED THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY AN INFLATABLE SNOWMAN SO I DON'T FEEL SO BAD ABOUT NOT ASKING FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. THE BEST JACKET EVER -- THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF A MANAGER CAN WEAR THIS THEN WHY CAN'T I WEAR MY GOALKEEPER'S KIT MADE OF LOCUSTS AND AQUARIUM ROCKS?!?!??!?!?!??!! THIS IS TOTAL DISCRIMINATION AND I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WILL BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO MAKE A FUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. MARMALADE -- WHY ARE YOU SO DELICIOUS!?!?!??!?!!?!?

9. MY NEW NEIGHBOR STEVE PHILBIN -- SO AFTER WHAT I ASSUME TO BE SEVERAL WEEKS IN SOUTHAMPTON I FINALLY FOUND THE HOUSE OF MY FEVER DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH IS THAT MY NEW NEIGHBOR STEVE PHILBIN IS EASILY THE WORST HUMAN BEING WHO HAS EVER WALKED THE EARTH!!!!!!!! THE FIRST MORNING AFTER I MOVED IN I SEEDED MY LAWN WITH BABY TEETH AND STEVEN PHILBIN CAME OVER TO INTRODUCE HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE THEN ASKED ME WHY I WAS SEEDING MY LAWN WITH BABY TEETH LIKE IT WAS ANY OF BUSINESS AND I JUST LAUGHED EXCEPT I LAUGHED IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT HIS HAIR LOOKS LIKE A MEAT HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS AGAIN BUT I'M STARTING TO MISS MY OLD IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE STEVE PHILBIN GETS ACCOSTED BY A FISH TANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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