Puck Daddy's Summer Series: The Toronto Maple Leafs from A to Zed

(Ed. Note: August is known to be a very quiet month in the hockey world. As we wait for September to arrive and training camps to begin, let’s learn a little history about all 30 teams. Behold, our summer A-Z(ed) series, in which we ask fans of all 30 teams to drop some knowledge on us! Add your own choices in the comments!)

By: PhyllisKessel13, writer for Pension Plan Puppets

A. Air Canada Centre

The Leafs began disappointing their home fans early, with their first ever game on November 12, 1931 in Maple Leaf Gardens ending with a 2-1 loss to Chicago (although the team was established in 1917). Following an emotional ceremony during the last game at Maple Leaf Gardens in 1999, which they naturally bookended with yet another loss to Chicago, the Air Canada Centre became the Leafs’ new home.

Since the Leafs have had no reason to raise any banners for some time, the Leafs ownership group Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment decided to raise a permanent banner to honour New Jersey rockers Bon Jovi instead.

I would love to say that I’m kidding, but sadly, I’m not. And opening this guide with that sentiment, it turns out, is devastatingly appropriate.

B. Babcock, Mike

The words “perennial losers” and “why would anyone want to coach there” were bandied about when discussing why the Leafs would never possibly land the $50 million dollar man as their coach (see Forbes World’s 50 Most Valuable Sports Teams). The 29 other fan bases became even more vehement in their complaints following the announcement that Mike Babcock was to be the 30th coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs. However, these pitiful efforts to rain on Leafs fans’ parades did not put a stop to our smugness. Consequently, B could also stand for Bitterness.

Dive right in to the Babcock Era!

C. Conn Smythe

Conn Smythe was a key figure in the development of the NHL as well as the principal owner of the Leafs from 1927 to 1961. Smythe took the Toronto St. Pats and turned them into the Toronto Maple Leafs, built Maple Leaf Gardens, and saw the Leafs win eight Stanley Cups in his tenure. Everyone assumed that following his ownership the Leafs’ success would continue forever.

Then the alphabet ended at C and nothing ever hurt again.

D. Darryl Sittler

Drafted eighth overall to the Leafs in 1970, Hall of Famer Darryl Sittler has the honour of having scored the most goals at Maple Leaf Gardens (235) as well as the most points at the Gardens (524).  He totaled 916 points as a Leaf, including a record-setting 10-point night against the 1976 Boston Bruins that stands to this day. As far as I know, nothing particularly noteworthy for the Leafs has happened against the Bruins ever since.

E. Expressions of displeasure

Contrary to the popular belief that Leafs fans are constantly planning the parade (we’ve already mapped it out, and it will go right through your house), in reality, Leafs fans tend to be a despondent bunch. Over the years this has been expressed at games by wearing gas masks and paper bags on their heads, and tossing things on the ice, such as Leafs jerseys and most peculiarly, waffles.

The waffle tosser defended himself thusly: "I see octopuses being thrown on in Detroit games and hats being thrown on. I mean, is a hat better than a waffle? Just because you're praising someone (with a hat for a hat trick), you can't throw something on when they're crap?"

A surprisingly coherent point from someone who threw waffles on the ice at a hockey game.

F. Forbes World’s 50 Most Valuable Sports Teams

The Leafs have the proud distinction of being the only NHL team to crack theForbes 2015 top 50 most valuable sports teams, coming in at #37 with a value of $1.3 billion. Fans of other teams are so obsessed with hating the Leafs that they have turned “passion” and “loyalty” into a repetitive critique of Leafs fans for not demanding more success.

In the meantime, the Leafs are like this:

G. Goaltending Issues

The Leafs have had some impressive goalies over the years, with Johnny Bower, Felix Potvin, Curtis “Cujo” Joseph and Ed Belfour standing between the pipes. However, their more recent goaltending track record leaves something to be desired—like good goaltending. Despite currently having two very capable goalies in James “Optimus Reim” Reimer and Jonathan Bernier, the high frequency of games where the Leafs were horrendously outshot has put undue and unsustainable pressure on the goaltending duo. Leafs fans have also been trying to forget the infamous trade that sent future Vezina winner Tuukka Rask to Boston in 2006 in exchange for Andrew Raycroft. Raycroft then went on to lose his starting position to Vesa Toskala. Yes, the Vesa Toskala:

Fun fact: my dad has the distinction of being the only person in the world to own a Toskala Leafs jersey. If we could afford the pricey ACC tickets, we would throw that jersey on the ice, too.

H. Horton

In Canada, Horton is basically the word for “money”. Tim Horton, the former Leafs defenseman, won four Cups during his tenure with the team. Today his name is synonymous with the Tim Hortons donut and coffee chain, which has become a symbol of Canadian culture (that is owned by American company Burger King).

More recently, the Leafs will be paying Nathan Horton $26 million over the next five years (outside the cap) to (likely) not play a single game due to injury (See: Forbes World’s 50 Most Valuable Sports Teams). This was judged to be better than paying former-Leaf David Clarkson (damn, that feels good to type) a similar amount to do little more than police the team’s water bottles.

Leafs fans felt nothing short of jubilation at the trade. In fact, it was probably the only good thing to happen to the Leafs during the 2014/2015 season. To paint you a picture, during his brief six-game stint as a Leaf Olli “Finnish Fabio” Jokinen took one look at us,decided we were too depressing, and got the hell out of there.

I. It Was 4-1

If you asked most Leafs fans, they would consider game 7 of the first round of the 2013 playoffs against Boston to be the their most painful recent Leafs memory. After not making the playoffs since the 2003-2004 season, in a series that no Leafs fan expected to win, the Leafs somehow clawed their way back from a 3-1 series deficit to force a Game 7. After magically jumping ahead to a 4-1 lead, the Leafs managed to give up three goals in regulation and lose in overtime. I will not be attaching any videos or photos, or providing any further details. I can tell you next to nothing about that game because I have wiped it from my memory.

J. Joe Bowen

Joe Bowen is the “voice of the Toronto Maple Leafs” after having called games for over thirty years. He is known for shouting “Holy Mackinaw!” during an exceptional play and for his alliterative abilities when describing goalies. Bowen openly cheers for the Leafs during broadcasts, which is apparently not appreciated by non-Leafs supporting Canadians.

His voice was hoarse with emotion when Mats Sundin scored the tying goal in the 2002 Eastern Conference finals (f*** Arturs Irbe, by the way). Maybe the Leafs just broke him, like they break everybody else.

K. Kerry Fraser

The scene: Overtime of game 6 of the Western Conference Finals between the Leafs and the L.A. Kings. If the Leafs win this game, they go on to the finals. Wayne Gretzky high sticks Leafs star Doug Gilmour, and draws blood. Referee Kerry Fraser looks on.

What happened in an alternate reality: Fraser gives Gretzky a five minute penalty and a game misconduct. The Leafs score, win the series, go on beat the Canadiens in the finals, and my life is better in every way.

What actually happened: Kerry Fraser does nothing. Gretzky scores the game winner, the Kings beat the Leafs in Game 7, and my entire life is terrible.

“But they still lost Game 7!”, you might reply. Or maybe, “There’s no way they would have beat the Canadiens!”. And to that I say, go away, no one likes you.

You ruined our lives, Kerry Fraser.

L. Lou Lamoriello

In an announcement that no one seemed to see coming, New Jersey Devils president and former GM stepped down from his duties last month to become the next Leafs GM. Leafs fans everywhere are now wondering how they will get over their decades long distaste of Lou Lamoriello. Then they remember John Ferguson Jr., Brian Burke, and Dave Nonis.  It really can’t get worse.  This is of course flawed reasoning; it can always get worse.  The creative ways that the Leafs have found to prove this point over the years are as impressive as they are grotesque.

Some are suggesting (okay, one person is suggesting) that the Bon Jovi banner was just a ruse by MLSE to bring the longtime New Jersey executive to Toronto all along. But hey, no one is denying it!

M. Mats Sundin

As the second Swede ever to be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame (following Borje Salming, another long-time Leaf), Mats Sundin has been the brightest spot in my lifetime of Leafs fandom. Sundin was one of the best players in franchise history, with goal and point records on his impressive list of honours (despite never playing with a consistent winger).

He was ultimately forced out by management in 2008 and returned to the ACC as a Vancouver Canuck, scoring the winning shootout goal against the team he had captained for over a decade because why would anything else happen to the Leafs?

It’s okay to admit it if you cried during his return to Toronto video tribute:

Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened, Leafs fans.

N. Nineteen Sixty-Seven

I’m not aware of anything special happening that year, but I have a feeling that fans of other teams will tell me constantly.

O. Original Six

Often evoked to grant prestige and a sense of history, the “Original Six” distinction is conferred to the first six teams to comprise the NHL. Seeing as being old is one of the best things that the Leafs have had going for a while, we’ll take our sense of self worth where we can get it.

The “Original Six” assignment is actually somewhat arbitrary given that other teams had also been a part of the NHL prior to the 1967 expansion. Even so, you should never believe Ottawa Senators fans when they try to tell you that they’ve won a Cup. They haven’t.

P. (T.C.) Puck

This is the nicest way that I can bring up what is referred to as  the darkest period in the team’s history, the “Ballard Era”. To paint you a picture: Leafs owner Harold Ballard spent the 1972-1973 season in jail. That was probably the best thing to happen during that time.

It lasted far too long, it was hard to muster any kind of enthusiasm, and it was a constant disappointment. The Ballard Era is starting to sound a lot like my last date!

On a lighter note, Ballard had a dog named T.C. Puck who could frequently be seen in his “bunker” in Maple Leaf Gardens as well as in team photos. Dogs are great! Thinking about the Ballard Era is not. His dog almost makes him seem likeable, even. Almost. But still, Ballard ruined everything. This cannot be emphasized enough.

Q. Quinn, Pat

A former Leafs defenseman turned coach, Pat “The Big Irishman” Quinn is one of the most beloved Leafs coaches in history (as well as recent Hall of Fame inductee Pat Burns). The Leafs were an exciting and competitive team while he was at the helm from 1998-2006, but after missing the playoffs just once following the season-long lockout, he was fired. The Leafs quickly got used to missing the playoffs, however, and a coach missing the playoffs is now cause fora contract extension, apparently.

Pat Quinn passed away this past year, and left a shamrock-sized hole in all of our hearts. We miss you, Pat.

R. Randy Carlyle

Similar to Quinn, Randy Carlyle had a brief career with the Leafs as a defenseman, and went on to coach from 2012-2015. The similarities end there. Instead of looking back on some fond memories (a search turned up no results), fans’ favourite Carlyle moment was when he was unable to operate a toaster.

S. Selke, Frank

Frank Selke was a key figure in the Leafs organization prior to his departure in 1946 due to disagreements with the Leafs’ managing director Conn Smythe. As GM of the Montreal Canadiens, Selke was an architect not only for their mid-century success, but he built the foundation upon which their later success was built through the development of their farm system as well as grooming future GM Sam Pollock.

Handing over the Anglophone on which the Habs’ dynasty was built was not the best decision that the Leafs have ever made. Had Smythe not alienated Selke, it might have saved me what will surely amount to years of my life being taunted by smug Habs fans. But does this knowledge--that the Leafs can in a way be thanked for the success of le Bleu-Blanc-Rouge by providing them with this key Anglophone figure--provide me with a glimmer of happiness? Peut-être. Canadiens fans may not see it this way, but no matter. Je me souviens.

T. Toronto Media

Every city has their issues with their hockey media, but Toronto seems to have something truly special going on. The media in Toronto could be compared to theinfinite monkey theorem, but instead of coming up with a Shakespearian play, they only seem to come up with Phil Kessel fat jokes. Leafs blog Pension Plan Puppets is in a feud with a Toronto columnist over anarticle about hot dogs, to give you some perspective.

Phil Kessel, saying what we were all thinking. We miss you, Phil. You’re too good for us. I’m not crying, I’ve just been cutting onions.I’m making a lasagne… for one.

U. "Until then"

Being a Leafs fan primarily involves alternately hating the team, feeling cautiously optimistic, deciding that you cannot possibly cheer for them anymore, and being insufferably smug about anything good that happens. All the while, fans of opposing teams continually take cheap shots at the Leafs and the city of Toronto, showing that they don’t have an inferiority complex about the size of their cities or teams at all.

Being a Leafs fan is terrible in miraculous and surprising ways. But there’s a reason that we stay, too. There’s history and feeling a sense of place and those times where your heart takes up residence in your throat and you don’t think that you could feel more joy ever in your life than you do in that moment. Over time all this emotion hardens you, and potentially turns you into a sarcastic Leafs-insulting a-hole because it’s a defense mechanism to be better at making fun of the Leafs than everyone else.

“Until then”, that is, when they win the Cup.

All the angry memories of watching Aki Berg being a pylon on defense (although you actually have to skate around pylons) and the Ballard Era and “It Was 4-1” will fade into memory. And when that happens, Toronto will probably just explode.

V. Victory Song

Many songs have come to be associated with the Leafs, such as Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop” blasting in the locker room during the early parts of the 2013 season and “Maple Leaf Forever”, most memorably performed by Canadian songstress Anne Murray during the last game at Maple Leaf Gardens. In my opinion, the most beloved is “Heave Away” by the Fables, which was the song that would play following a Leafs home win for several seasons (and fans continue to play it after it was retired as the victory song).

Doesn’t that make you want to dance?

W. Wendel Clark

The Leafs have drafted first overall just once: in 1985, when they selected Wendel Clark. Clark was the embodiment of “truculence”, showing leadership, fight, goal-scoring ability, and an unparalleled moustache. He alsobeat the crap out of Marty McSorleyduring that series in 1993, causing McSorley to feel, as one newspaper and dad joke aficionado described it, “McSorry.”

X. XIII

XIII, thirteen, is the lucky number of times that the Leafs have captured Lord Stanley. Critics are quick to point out that all of those wins happened when there were only six teams in the NHL. The Leafs, however, have a long history of ignoring critics (to a fault), so why would we start now?

Y. Young talent

With the rebuild in full swing, Leafs fans have been promised a lot of “pain” in their immediate future. However, fans can feel excited about the crop of young talent that have already cracked the Leafs lineup, such as defenders Morgan Rielly and Jake Gardiner and forward Nazem Kadri. Looking ahead, we can expect to see recent fourth overall pick Mitch Marner, Kasperi Kapanen, and the surprisingly fresh-looking-for-his-age William Nylander up front as well.

Z(ed). Zigomanis, Mike

While no longer a member of the Leafs organization, Mike Zigomanis had a brief stint with the Leafs and their AHL affiliate, the Toronto Marlies. Zigomanis once represented the hopes and dreams of those who think that Toronto should have more good Toronto boys. But seriously, Steve Stamkos will one day fulfill his destiny and become a Toronto Maple Leaf because why would he not want to win a Cup in his hometown as part of the biggest team in hockey?

Every team has a Zamboni, but not every team has a Zigomanis.

Meet the author: Phyllis Kessel has been described as the “resident rabble-rouser” at Leafs group therapy web site Pension Plan Puppets. She can often be found ordering discounted Kessel jerseys after a few cocktails or scaring her dog as she shouts during Leafs games. Phyllis wants to thank her sister Jill for teaching her how to be sad (but not too sad) about the Leafs. Follow her on Twitter at @phylliskessel13.

Previous A to Z Guides: Anaheim | Arizona | Boston | Buffalo | Calgary | Carolina | Chicago | Colorado | Columbus | Dallas | Detroit | Edmonton | Florida | Los Angeles | Minnesota | Montreal | Nashville | New Jersey | NY Islanders | NY Rangers | Ottawa | Philadelphia | Pittsburgh | San Jose | Tampa Bay

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