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Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 New York Rangers
(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is Sergei Miledin of From Russia With Glove, fondly recalling the 2015-16 New York Rangers.)
BY SERGEI MILEDIN
Spring is finally here and with that comes warmer weather, longer days, seasonal allergies, and of course another fruitless playoff run by the New York Rangers. A team that prides itself on history and tradition so much so that, for whatever reason, their fan base still clings on to that 1994 Stanley Cup win as if it hasn’t been 22 years.
The NHL was a different place back then, Quebec (then Colorado) still had a team, the Ducks were still Mighty, and the Hurricanes didn’t even exist. Since then, however, all those teams have gone on and won hockey’s most coveted prize (some even twice) while the Broadway Blue Shirts have done diddly. Even those guys from across the river won three cups in nine years just one shy of the Rangers franchise total, one that predates World War freaking II.
What is it about the Rangers and never doing something right? They came so painfully close in 2014 until Alec Martinez killed the dream while simultaneously making it look like someone literally sucked the soul out of the once reliable Henrik Lundqivst.
Then last year they were just a game shy of going back to the Final only to lose at home in Game 7, something every media outlet made sure to stuff down our throats how the Rangers NEVER lose Game 7’s at home. This time, there would be no “roadkill Lundqvist” but something much better. Sad Lundqvist. He appears almost every spring if the cameras are willing.
There are many different forms of sad Lundqvist that predate the temper tantrum Abba-listening goalie that he has since become. There’s the “don’t look at me” following elimination in 2013.
Or, the “I can’t look at you” post-Stanley Cup defeat.
And of course this year’s addition “why am I still on this team?”
That's the face of a man who let in 15 goals in 12 periods and once again misses out on a trophy he’ll never win if stays in New York.
Cheer up little buddy! There’s always next year! Oh wait, the League wants to shrink your IKEA-sized pads, so that can’t be good news for you actually.
Maybe ask for a trade? Unless you’re totally fine with being the Dan Marino of the NHL.
Or maybe you just suffer from severe Stockholm syndrome. I have no idea how someone fools himself into believing that maybe next year will be different. Then again I’m not a Rangers fan.
Clearly their big name acquisitions have paid so many dividends through the years. Who can forget all the Ranger legends such as Wayne Gretzky, Pavel Bure, Markus Naslund and Luc Robitaille.
Now, you can add legend Eric Staal to that list.
Talk about a great trade for the Rangers. He must’ve been acquired solely to tell the rest of the locker room what it’s like to actually win something.
It’s too bad they didn’t trade for someone who played defense instead as their blueliners have once again been their undoing and let “King Nothing” look beyond mortal more so than ever this time around.
Speaking of defense, few have looked worse than Dan Girardi (seen above during this latest and greatest Rangers playoff performance). Only four more years’ of that contract guys! By the time his contract is up we could have a second Clinton presidency in the books.
It’s alright though, because those other contracts you guys have are really good! Like Marc Staal! Wait no. Uh, how about Derek Stepan? Dammit! Rick Nash?! Bah-forget it! You’re screwed.
[Credit]
But who knows, maybe they can gut the entire team and try going after Steven Stamkos this summer because we all know the keys to a true rebuild unlock giant vaults in order to throw money at your problems.
Or better yet, maybe focus on the draft, but that would require actually having some, uh, draft picks. Since acquiring the likes of Rick Nash, Martin St. Louis, Keith Yandle, and Staal the Rangers have sold the farm (literally) as they’ve thrown away four first-round picks, three second-round picks along with potential studs like Anthony Duclair. They have not drafted in the first round since 2012. They will be selecting 81st this year. Nice! Oh well I tried.
I think at some point during eulogies you are supposed to say something nice about the recently departed but honestly that's asking for too much.
I can however say thank you. Thank you, Rangers, for bowing out of the playoffs right on schedule this year to save us from something far worse than you. I'm referring to bandwagon Rangers fans of course. Fresh out of the woodwork, you know the types, couldn’t tell you who the back-up goalie (or if he loves early summer exits now or what) was all year while their fancy new E STAAL jerseys still have the price tags on them. They usually show their faces as the second-round reaches its midway point and New Yorkers suddenly remember there's a hockey team in midtown but luckily this time around they won't have the chance to flap their gums. We also don’t have to see your douchey Broadway Hat for a while, something you encourage your own fanbase to parade around in public with. Likely the only ranger related parade they’ll know.
Rangers fans are an insufferable lot, their bandwagon counterparts however are much worse. Thank you Rangerstown (also RIP) for sparing all of us from miserable Knicks fans turned inevitably miserable Rangers fans.
(SO CLOSE!)
Enjoy another long summer of hoping and dreaming about what big name you can add to your ever-growing players-who-made-their-careers-elsewhere jersey collection.
Or better yet, you can play your favorite game of whether you'll love or hate Chris Kreider next season. It is only April after all.
Maybe you'll actually win a cup in a year or two or maybe four, oh wait, that's right, quoth the Raven "nevermore."
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Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 Detroit Red Wings
