If you weren't scrutinizing the news-and-notes sections at the bottom of Washington Wizards columns in late March, when the team was limping through a 5-11 month en route to a second-worst-in-the-league 20-46 record, you might have missed the news that young Wizards center Kevin Seraphin has a snake named Snakey. (It's OK — no reason for you to apologize. If anything, you were only hurting yourself by living without that information.) Snakey is a small milk snake; snakes are Seraphin's favorite animals. These, remarkably, are facts.
And what do you do when you love snakes and are on offseason vacation in Ibiza? This, apparently:
Yep, that's Kevin Seraphin with two snakes hanging around his neck, each one allegedly weighing 20 kilos (just under 44.1 pounds) and measuring four meters (just over 13.1 feet) in length. (They also eat rabbits, according to Seraphin, which stands to reason, because they are snakes, you see.)
It doesn't appear that Snakey has to worry about sharing his master's love, though — these two monsters aren't coming home with Seraphin. His Jake "The Snake" Roberts moment came during a trip to an Ibiza spa that offers snake massage therapy, which is apparently a real thing that "involves surrendering to your fears, knowing that the serpent sliding across your back is able to remove the blockages in your muscles and nervous system." It is, as you might expect, not for everyone — no less a thrill-seeker than Dita Von Teese said no thanks to the serpentine massage — but judging by the smile on his face, it sure appears to be up Kevin's alley.
Reached for comment, Wizards fans everywhere said, "Finally, at long last, we have a goofball big man who will tweet weird things."
Here's hoping Seraphin is mere weeks away from fully embracing his love of snakes, adopting a sibilant tongue and transforming his persona into an animalistic brand like Chris Andersen did a few years back. Or, failing that, here's hoping that Seraphin stops saying "no homo." A snake can just be a snake, Kevin; it's OK to like the things you like. (Even if they're scaly and can potentially eat a whole kangaroo in one sitting.)
Hat-tip to Wizards blog Bullets Forever.