Who are those NASCAR cars in the new Transformers movie?

So the new Transformers movie, "Transformers 3: Big Ol' Robots Smashin' [Censored] Up," or something like that, is now in theaters. (The actual title, search engines, is "Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon." Also: Justin Bieber may or may not appear in it.) And if you've seen the previews, you already know that certain NASCAR drivers, or at least their cars, stop by to help save the world.

But who are these guys? If you're not familiar with NASCAR, let's give you a quick rundown, along with our guess of how well the Transformers will perform in the climactic battle over Chicago. I'd say "spoilers ahead," but since I haven't seen the flick yet, I have no idea whether I'm spoiling anything. Here's how we assume these Transformers will fight, though:

Red car: That would be Juan Pablo Montoya, driver of the No. 42 Target Chevy. His Transformer will most likely make a big deal over getting involved in the fight, talking about all the awesome ways he's going to kick the metallic tail of the Decepticons, so much so that his fellow Transformers will probably knock him off a building just to shut him up. And none of it will be his fault.

Green car: Dale Earnhardt Jr., driver of the No. 88 Amp Energy Chevy. Heavily touted as the best Transformer around, he somehow manages to swing and miss in every fight. But he's getting closer to winning that big fight. And if you hit him, you'll have an entire army of fans mad at you.

Blue car: Jimmie Johnson, driver of the No. 48 Lowe's Chevy. His Transformer will beat the oil out of any and all comers, but somehow does so in a boring fashion. And even after he saves the Earth five times over, people will be bored with him and say he's a too-glossy pretty robot who couldn't hang with the older Transformers.

Now, since the NASCAR scenes take place in Chicago, we assume that the guys were running at Chicagoland Speedway. But hopefully it was during qualifying; it'd be tough to save the planet and get back to the track in time to get a solid finish in a Chase race. And hopefully the drivers get out of the cars before the transforming begins. Otherwise there'd be a lot of red beard and cheesy white sunglasses, topped with the faintest odor of vanilla.