‘Buy a house in Miami’ and other life advice to Jose Reyes from Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria

We're probably going to hear a lot of sad/funny/pathetic anecdotes this season about the Miami Marlins, the team that flushed itself down the toilet when owner Jeffrey Loria traded most of the team to the Toronto Blue Jays in November.

Today's head-shaker? Loria told shortstop Jose Reyes – a big-money free agent signing before the 2012 season — to buy a house in Miami in two days before trading him.

Using The Stew's staff Delorean, we traveled back in time to the dinner Reyes had with Loria that farceful November night and documented other advice the owner gave his star shortshop:

• "Miami Heat season tickets are a great investment. Heck, buy four."

• "DirecTV wants you to sign a two-year contract? Do it. Do it tomorrow."

• "You're going to want to buy a yacht. There's no way I'd trade you to Toronto, where it would be of no use."

• "I really think you should spent more time with Giancarlo Stanton. Be his mentor. I see you two spending a lot of time together this winter."

• "There's a great Groupon for my favorite restaurant. You should buy it. But it's only valid April-September. We'll go together."

• "Sell all your jackets on eBay. We don't need 'em here in South Florida."

• "Yes, it's definitely a good time to switch to your phone to a 305 area code."

• "Consider spreading out your investments in the community. Buy a car dealership. Open a sports bar. Maybe you and Josh Johnson can go halfsies."

• "Here's an invitation to my birthday party, Jose. It's next week. You don't need to buy me anything. Just your presence in my life is a gift in itself."

Spring training is here. Stretch out with us.
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