Landon Donovan’s English Adventure of Epic Broportions, part II

Carter Daly
Dirty Tackle

Landon Donovan has returned to Everton for his second two-month loan with the club and he was quickly put in the starting XI in his very first match available. Though the result was a 2-1 loss to Bolton, teammate Tim Howard provided quite the "welcome back." Picking up where he left off on his last trip to England and his Gold Cup excursion, the following is Landon's latest correspondence with his friends and family back home.

What's goooooooooood!?!?!!?

You know what it is. L-Deezy back up in this.

After a measure of long distance flirtation that most of the chicks I've one-timed the globe over would tell you doesn't usually go down, I'm back where I belong — making this place bounce like Hoodison Park all over again.

Last time you saw me I was turning on the jets to dink home a game winner and bring the MLS Cup home for my city at the Home Debro Center. Wasn't not dope. Lushest part of the whole affair was most definitely funneling Bud heavies out of the cup afterwards in the locker room with the bros. Win or lose I usually do that anyway out of a Dixie cup I keep in my locker but this time was way more legit. Pretty sure the whole reason Becksauce turned down those eurobronis at PSG is because he's trying to get more of that noise going on the reg. And he doesn't think the Arc de Eiffle Tower or steak au poivre is really that sweet. Hey Galaxy fanskis… can you say dynasty? Also, Brobbie Keane is kind of the man, too. And his wife has a pretty chill torso.

Anyway. Now it's time to bring the brodeo back to the Premier League. Our first run out was the other day against the Bolton Wanderers. Really with that nickname? Why don't they just call them the Bolton "I'm Lost, Kid?" Got the start right away. Duh. I was out there and flying around like I usually do, dangling past everybody from the jump. Was swerving some nice ballskis in there and even got hacked down in the box but the ref found no love in a bro-less place and said it was no foul.

We were playing out there in legit gale force winds, so when the ball got played back to my main broski Timmy Howard I yelled "RIP IT SON!!!!!!!". Clearly he heard me because that's exactly what he did. Gave it a little one bouncer from deep right over the keepers dome and into the top shelfing of the twine carriage. Deepest goal in Prem history. Notching g-notes with gloves on… so dank.

Sadly, we needed more Americans out there as we ended up losing my debut 2-1. I blame it all on Stu Holden's jabroni highlights distracting my teammates form the stands. They haven't seen product like that before and I can't blame them for being in a state of shock. But I'm only getting started. Level of stokedness should be raised substantially in the near future. I won't be denied.

Peace out. One love.

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