Every unlockable player in ‘NBA Jam;' including Beastie Boys

We've been up on the release of the new reboot of "NBA Jam" for eons and millennia now. Our breathless coverage of this breathtaking endeavor has covered three BDL regimes, for Pete's sake, bringing you details on open voting for team rosters, EA going crowdsourcing for new announcer catchphrases and how you can shoot the lefty (curiously non-sweatpantsy) jumper of President Barack Obama, or any of a number of other politicians, in this year's model. When the game hit stores Tuesday, you were probably all like, "Whew, finally. I can just play the game and not have to read about it anymore on my stupid favorite basketball blog that I love so much I want to marry it."

WRONG.

Tuesday night, Kotaku shared the complete list of unlockable characters in "NBA Jam" (it first appeared on an IGN board, where you can also find some details on unlocking game options like One-Shot Fire Mode and the classic Big Head Mode). It's a pretty amazing list that includes the Beastie Boys, as you can see in the gameplay clip above (courtesy of 0pposableThumbs). But before you can start performing finger rolls with Michael Diamond, Adam Yauch and Adam Horovitz, you need to unlock the characters. For the Beasties, the path is simple and not particularly absurd -- just beat them in the game's Remix Tour mode and you'll be trading en fuego "Paul Revere" verses with your bros in no time.

Fortunately for jokes' sake, accessing some of the other characters requires some weird accomplishments. Some guy named Trey Kerby identified a few funny ones Wednesday morning at The Basketball Jones as I was picking a few of my own favorites. Luckily, while our thinking was parallel, our selections were not. Stuff I dug:

To unlock Brad Daugherty, you must beat the computer in a two-on-two game and score at least twice as many points as the CPU. This is because blowing out the computer would "B" pretty "rad."

To unlock Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, you must win 100 games. This is because in his six-year career, Reeves' Vancouver Grizzlies won a total of 101 games, and the programmers really wanted "Big Country" to be able to unlock himself, because you should see the smile on his face when he sees a little version of himself on TV.

To unlock Rony Seikaly, you must dunk the ball 10 times in one game. This is A) because obviously Rony Seikaly was a master jammer, and B) because EA wasn't able to link up with Activision in time to license "DJ Hero" functionality that would enable you to unlock Rony Seikaly by spinning mad chill house beats in your living room/Ibiza.

To unlock Nick Anderson, you must get over your "First Game Jitters" and complete a Play Now Game. This is because the people at EA are a little mean and don't realize that for Orlandonians, it's still too soon for Nick Anderson jokes.