Jose Mourinho’s expert analysis of the Champions League knockout stage draw

Note: This is not the real Jose Mourinho, but his thoughts might be similar.

Hello. I am Jose Mourinho, the man behind every Twitter account that accuses UEFA of corruption, and this is my Champions League knockout stage draw analysis.

Man City v Barcelona — This is not impossible match-up for Man City. They already beat Bayern Munich in the group stage, so why not Barcelona here? Because Barcelona will have the referees playing for them, that's why. This is trick question. Even if Lionel Messi is not healthy, they will not need him. Barcelona's shirts now say "Intel inside" but the referees shirts say "Barcelona inside and outside and every side."

Olympiakos v Man United — I would say this is easy draw for Man United, but David Moyes will probably fill out his team sheet wrong and find a way to forfeit both matches while making faces like a ventriloquist's puppet that can feel the hand up its backside. I hope you're happy, Bobby Charlton. I say that sarcastically. I actually don't want you to be happy.

Milan v Atletico Madrid — Milan are the only Italian club to make it this far and they will have a hard time with Atletico. Maybe if Italy appreciated me more, I would have a stayed and won more European cups to save Serie A from this embarrassment, but it is too late for that now. I will still accept apologies in the form of tiramisu and designer suits, though.

Bayer Leverkusen v PSG — Even Leverkusen chairman thinks they have no chance of winning and is only looking at it as a fun holiday. "It's going to be a great trip to Paris, a beautiful city and not that far from Leverkusen," he said. This is Champions League, not travel agency.

Galatasaray v Chelsea — Maybe after Chelsea advance, Didier Drogba will switch back to Chelsea and continue in the competition with us. Maybe? Please? I need a striker so bad! Please, Didier! Romelu Lukaku's voicemail is already full with me crying.

Schalke v Real Madrid — Last season I had to beat Man United in the round of 16 with Real Madrid and this year they get Schalke. If Mario Balotelli thinks the world is against him, he should try living a day as Jose Mourinho. He wouldn't even be able to operate the anti-tracking system I use so Rafa Benitez can't read my thoughts and steal my ideas.

Zenit v Borussia Dortmund — Maybe Dortmund will freeze like ice statues when they play in Russia and Zenit will win? It's possible.

Arsenal v Bayern Munich — Arsenal have been knocked out in the round of 16 the last three years in a row. Bye bye, Arsene.