Justin Trudeau vs Patrick Brazeau: The Canadian boxing event of the year?

don landry

Wed, Mar 28, 2012, 3:40 p.m.

It's every Canadian taxpayer's dream, really.

Two politicians in a ring, aiming to beat the living sh-, uh, rhetoric out of each other. Literally, this time, instead of the usual metaphorically.

When Liberal MP Justin Trudeau goes to to toe with Conservative Senator Patrick Brazeau on Saturday night and they start to freely trade body blows and head shots for charity, one can muse about how great the House Of Commons could really be, if only they turned the chamber into one big 308 member thunderdome.

Maybe some day. For now, we'll have t settle for a one off, one-on-one battle at Ottawa's Hampton Inn. Caesar's Palace it ain't, but the Hampton Inn is to Caesar's what Ottawa is to Las Vegas. I mean, ever see Evel Knievel jump the fountain on Parliament Hill? No.

Trudeau's been boxing, on and off, for some 20 years. Brazeau, the beefier of the two, reportedly holds a black belt in martial arts. Although that shouldn't come into play in any serious form in this bout, that kind of discipline coupled with a slight weight advantage (Trudeau at 175 lbs, Brazeau at 183) might prove difficult for Trudeau to overcome. However, Trudeau has a likely reach advantage, considering he's 6 feet, 2 inches tall, compared to his opponent's 5 feet, 10 inches. In that other most valued of boxing talents - smack talk - it seems a draw. Brazeau has already vowed to "float like an Algonquin, sting like a Cree."

The oddsmakers like Brazeau.

Ostensibly, this is to be a "friendly" little bi-partisan match, with proceeds going to funding cancer research. But, we all know how long fair play and decorum last in the world of Ottawa politics these days. As well, there's been a fair bit of trash talking going on, most of it (where else?) on Twitter.

With that in mind, here's how I see the three round bout shaping up.

First of all, it'll be a sparse crowd. Despite it being a sellout, a number of Pierre Poutine robocalls has most of the paying customers mistakenly believing the bout has been moved to a larger venue. In Guelph.

Trudeau is announced, and he bounds into the auditorium to the ear-splitting strains of Bette Midler's "The Rose." Not exactly a threatening musical entrance, but a nod to the old man as he'll have a rose on the lapel of his robe. Maybe one in his teeth, for good measure. Upon reaching the ring, he doffs the robe and does a perfect pirouette and takes a deep, lingering bow. The ring announcer (I'm assuming it will be House Speaker Andrew Scheer, but my pick would be CBC's Rex Murphy) introduces him as "The Papineau Papillon." He's in red trunks, of course.

Next, it's Brazeau, who walks in slowly and confidently, holding an mp3 player over his head a la John Cusack in "Say Anything." At full volume is Prime Minister Harper's cover of "A Little Help From My Friends." Murphy announces that the man in the blue trunks is also known as "The Appointee Assassin," or maybe "The Upper Chamber Upper-Cutter." Yes. That last one sounds like something Rex would say. Brazeau sports a gigantic temporary tattoo on his back. It's the Harper Government's "Action Plan" logo.

Ding ding. Round one gets underway with a little feeling out process. Trudeau and Brazeau each cautiously stalking the other, with very little fisticuff action. Brazeau backs up to the ropes and stays there, having been told by his trainer, Prime Minister Harper, that the best way to beat any Liberal is not to engage with them and wait for their inevitable self-destruction. The crowd becomes testy at the lack of action. John Baird stands up, boos lustily, and disgustedly throws a copy of the 2012 federal budget into the ring. It falls on referee Jann Arden and her dog, Midi, trapping them underneath. The match is delayed for 48 minutes while rescue crews work to free them.

Ding ding. Round two is more aggressive. Brazeau has shaken off the sluggishness and ennui of spending the previous week in the Senate listening to the senior members swap stories about Robert Stanfield. Trudeau backtracks and dances. Sensing Brazeau's desire to start brawling, Trudeau strategically tries to keep some distance between the two of them, prompting derisive calls of "Separatist!" Brazeau charges at Trudeau and surprises him with a quick left as The Papineau Papillon was, understandably, expecting nothing but right hooks. Trudeau staggers (gracefully, of course) and as Brazeau cocks his arm in preparation for a coup de grace blow, the bell goes, ending the round. Actually, it wasn't the fight bell, but the cook in the kitchen signalling that Senator Mike Duffy's chicken fingers were ready.

While wiping Trudeau's brow, corner man Bob Rae, informs him that he's "only staying until your connections can find a full time corner man for you. Really. Seriously. I don't want the job full time. You can beg all you want. Are you begging? Okay, maybe."

Ding ding. Here it is. The final round. Brazeau's up on points. Or probably is, since the Tories have a comfortable majority among the ringside judges. So, Trudeau needs something big, even a knockout.

He knows it. Trudeau comes out full of fuddle and duddle. Jabbing in rat-a-tat fashion with his left, flailing the odd roundhouse right just past Brazeau's chin. A nervous Prime Minister Harper approaches the new referee, Governor General David Johnston, asking if parliamentary boxing rules provide for the proroguing of any round at his request. It's no use. Johnston is chatting with Michaelle Jean, asking if she ever got to do something this cool. No matter, Brazeau has weathered the storm and seems comfortable enough to ride out what's left of the bout and take a close decision.

It's at this point that something bizarre happens.

With just over a minute left in the match, a mysterious, hooded spectre, who'd sat ringside for the entire proceeding with his head bowed, springs up out of his seat and over the ropes, shedding his robe and revealing his bright orange satin trunks. It's newly minted NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair. He gestures at Brazeau to keep his distance and proceeds to feed Trudeau with an awesome flurry of punches, not from the left or right, but springing out from the middle of his body. Trudeau drops like an election writ. The bell rings. Mulcair turns to Harper, raises a gloved hand toward him in menacing fashion and declares: "This is really just between you and me."

Then the crowd storms the ring, the Rocky music starts, yada, yada, yada....

In the end, a fine night of ringside entertainment. When it's all over, Jann Arden delights with an impromptu version of Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer." It's ironic because her dog is a Terrier. As the crowd begins to make it's way to the exit, she yells out "Can anyone give me a lift to the train station?"

Nothing special. Just the Canadian boxing event of the year.