Picture this: Footballers with the most festive names

Christmas ain’t Christmas without a tree – so send for Manchester United legend Steve Bruce, whose hardwood forehead cleared so many balls for Fergie’s Reds. He has since branched out into management, turning over a new leaf at Villa, and those that know him say his bark’s far worse than his bite.

Get yourself round the old Joanna for a ding-dong with ‘appy ‘Ammer Andy Carroll – Christmas tunes are his speciality – possibly alongside Olly Myrrhs…

When the Arsenal midfield superstar is out injured, the Gunners dish out lots of presents to the opposition – year after year after year (etc).

Midnight mass, Nativity scenes – they can all be found at home of former Charlton and Reading striker Simon – now plying his trade in Holland

The ex-Chelsea, Porto, Barcelona and Portugal playmaker had a colourful career and was highly decorated with no fewer than 15 major club trophies won.

Once a Leeds hero, then an Aston Villa villain, Fabian Delph’s time at Manchester City has been ruined by injury and poor elf.

There was more to Stoke legend Rory than just a Tony Pulis-honed long throw-in but rumour has it that on a calm day he could hurl the ball from the Potteries straight into Santa’s lap in his Finnish present grotto.

Yes his real name is David N’Gog but allow for some licence here. The ex-Liverpool and Bolton striker joined Greek side (bearing gifts) Panionios in 2016 where Ouzo is more prevalent than Advocaat (Dick). Eggnog/Egg nog
Food and Drink

When most footballers are winding down, Big Ed’s star shone even brighter as he scooped four Premier League titles, two League Cups and a Champions League crown as he approached his 40s.

Euell-tide greetings from the former Charlton and Wimbledon striker who won three Jamaica caps and helped Blackpool to the Premier League in 2010. His achievements are well logged.

The superstar Brazil teenager will join Manchester City in January 2017 –his £27m coming was announced four months ago. Names don’t come more Christmassy than this…

Ireland legend and Newcastle hero Shay won very little in a glittering career – just one FA Cup and Division 1 title – but there were fewer better keepers in the world when he was at his peak. Enough sled.

One of the three wise men offered Jesus some myrrh and Frank-incense Lampard – along with some glittery gold.

Yes tenuous but yes also, baby Jesus slept on hay when he was first born, much to the delight of the former Chelsea, Celtic and Scotland defender and the boxer by almost the same name.

The Manchester City and Spain winger was a World Cup 2010 and Euro 2012 winner with his country.

The Stoke City keeper made history on 16 February 1952, at Aston Villa. In an age of no substitutes, Herod broke his arm in a challenge but was shoved up front rather than have 10 men. Yes you guessed it, Herod then scored to seal a 3-1 win. They bred them tough back in the black and white 1950s…

When the mulled wine has overboiled and there’s no Babycham left, send for ex-England skipper and Chelsea legend John Terry – any port in a storm.

The Manchester United manager might not have had much to laugh about in the past year but he’s through giving away presents and is looking to sleigh the opposition. Last year, Santa even gave a sack around Christmastime too…

A Christmas card isn’t a Christmas card without a Robben – sorry robin – and wex-Manchester United and Arsenal striker RVP is still rockin’ in the even more festive country of Turkey.

The Paraguay striker failed to make a mark at Manchester City following a £17m move from Blackburn in 2009 and, like all true Santas, was given the sack. His business – Roque’s Santa Cruises – also sank without trace

Controversial ex-Newcastle striker Nile Ranger might not score many goals but he is trying to turn things round after a turbulent life and career – now his roots are at Southend which is almost certainly where his crib is too…

Seasoned campaigner with the likes of Reading and Leeds – and has also banked three Ireland caps.

Yes contrived, but who cares? Mark Kinsella’s career glittered at Charlton and Colchester and he also shone for Ireland at the 2002 World Cup.

Became Aston Villa’s record signing in 2001 when costing £9.5m from River Plate but the Colombia striker’s 62-goal haul in six seasons did not represent a good reward for that outlay. More of an angelic upstart…

Best known for his time at Brentford and Wimbledon, he also made Mary with two England B appearances for Graham Taylor in 1991.

The three Kings: Ledley, Andy and Josh

The Chelsea and Wimbledon legend guided Millwall to their one and only FA Cup Final and European football in his two-year spell as manager of the Lions then left when a new regime took over. Wise indeed.

Dick Advocaat did not heed the ‘Warninks’ when at Sunderland…

Angel di Maria cost Manchester United almost £60m when he joined from Real Madrid in 2014 and was then sold to PSG for £44m a year later following a year of misery under Louis Van Gaal. Angel delight? No…

Big Brett was a rough, tough centre forward who bagged around 200 goals in his 16 year career that took in many clubs including Everton, Sunderland, Stockport and Walsall

The striker whose goal for Chelsea highlighted Steven Gerrard’s slip for Liverpool as the Premier League title beckoned might have had a fondness for minty sweets but might also have hated Christmas as much as Arsenal seem to every year.

The flying Dutch winger won his honours at his first club – Ajax – and although he showed glimpses of greatness at Liverpool, Ryan Babel’s four-year stint at Anfield was just spent hanging around