Thu Sep 08 01:16pm EDT
Sidney Crosby's(notes) press conference was full of information on a day full of news. It's entirely possible that, amidst all else that was going on, you missed some of the presser's big revelations and major quotes. With that in mind, I've compiled a brief list of some of the highlights, so as to keep you, the faithful Puck Daddy reader, better informed.
1. The phrase "Sid is a Ferrari" stood out to everyone in attendance, but few heard Collins finish the sentence with "... in Disney's Cars 3."
3. When asked where Dan Bylsma was today, Crosby announced that he's the real coach of the Penguins, Dan Bylsma is actually a charming British con man, and all you people just got Remington Steele'd.
5. "If I were a winger," Crosby said, "I'd be back already. I think my time in Pittsburgh has shown how little wingers actually do."
6. Upon being asked if he had ever considered retirement, Crosby admitted he was mulling over an offer from baseball's Birmingham Barons.
7. Halfway through the presser, Crosby tossed a duffel bag onto the table and said, "Twenty large on Steckel. He needs to get got."
8. Sometime after "Sid is a Ferrari," Doctor Mickey Collins produced a paternity test and announced, "Sid is also a Ferraro."
9. After saying "Sid's '100-percent' is different than anyone else's," Collins proceeded to explain that Crosby is the first human mathematically capable of giving 110%, giving more credence to the criticism that Crosby is a walking, talking cliché.
10. "I want headshots out of the game," said Crosby. "Because photographers are really annoying and the lighting always seems to accentuate my bee-stung lips."
11. Reporters were shocked when Crosby moved to a living room set with bookcases full of VitaminWater and told the world he was 'taking his talents to South Beach,' where he would be bought out, then paid three times as much by crazy old Dale Tallon.
12. "Sid's frustrated," said Dr. Collins, "Especially since he hasn't been able to punch dance his emotions away, like he normally does."
13. Crosby: "If you're watching, f*** you, Geno."
If you don't believe these things happened, you can relive the entire press conference below.