Peyton Manning is Useless to Indianapolis Colts: Fan’s Take

Much analysis has gone into the Indianapolis Colts' uncontrolled tailspin into futility this season, but it has suddenly become clear to me who the real problem is: Peyton Manning(notes).

What has Peyton Manning ever done for the Indianapolis Colts? I can't think of a thing.
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My white-hot wrath over the humiliating Oct. 23 obliteration of the Colts by the New Orleans Saints has finally come down to a rolling boil, my hypertension-induced blurred vision is almost completely restored to normal, and I've nearly regained by ability to form sentences without spit flying from my mouth as I'm shrieking "Those (expletive, expletive, expletive, expletive) Colts!" at the top of my lungs.

The entire 2011 season thus far has been such a complete disaster that I was starting to think that the powers that be within the Colts organization are totally incompetent. After all, no other NFL team has, in my lifetime anyway, fallen from grace with such terminal velocity.

But then as I was watching some classic Looney Tunes cartoons with my kids, it slowly dawned on me. Bill and Chris Polian are geniuses. Nay, super geniuses. Wile E. Coyote geniuses. They have the Colts exactly where they need to be to dominate the NFL for years.

It's Better to be Luck-y Than Good

Since absolutely no professional person from within an NFL organization can possibly put together such a long string of completely ridiculous decisions and still remain employed within said NFL organization, the Colts must be trying to tank the season.

Why would they do that? Simple: a Luck-y horseshoe (HA! Get it? Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck … horseshoe on the Colts' helmets …).

As I perused the Internet today, getting an idea of what other people think of this team and desperately seeking tidbits of hope from the Colts organization, I was struck by how many folks—including those associated with the Colts—seem perfectly content with just planning for Luck's spring arrival at the Circle City.

Even one of our own—our former beloved head coach, Tony Dungy—already has the Colts drafting Luck and immediately trading Peyton Manning away. The whole tone of his argument is that Manning is a burden that we're going to have to put up with for a few more years until he goes away, and we can put Wonder Boy Luck in there.

Dungy has a point, you know.

Really, what has Manning ever done for the Colts? Sure, he took them to the Super Bowl a couple times, but he's been playing since 1998. Only two Super Bowls, Peyton? Really? That's the best you could do? Heck, he even lost one of them. I think he might have achieved one or two other things during his career, but I can't really remember any of them off the top of my head right now.

Tom Brady(notes) of the New England Patriots, on the other hand, came into the league two years after Manning, and Brady has already been to four Super Bowls and won three of them. Now there's a real quarterback.

It's not like Manning has ever done anything for the Indianapolis community, either. Well, except for that whole Peyton Manning Children's Hospital thing. But I already know from watching Saturday Night Live what Manning really thinks of kids. He can't fool me.

No, the Colts don't need 14 years of being good. They need Luck. As the saying goes, it's better to be Luck-y than good.

Luck is a Lock

I read a lot—and I mean a lot—about football, and everything I've read indicates that Andrew Luck is the second coming of Jesus Christ. (No, he doesn't look like Jesus Christ. You're thinking of the Seattle Seahawks' Charlie Whitehurst(notes).) Luck has turned water into wine, parted the Red Sea, built an ark, all that stuff.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that having Manning there for a few years to take Luck under his wing—kind of like Brett Favre(notes) and Aaron Rodgers(notes), or Joe Montana and Steve Young—would make for a much smoother transition than just throwing Luck to the wolves. I got sucked into that way of thinking, too.

The first problem with that plan is that Manning is dumb as a brick. You know that, I know that. I mean, during every game he has ever played in, that's what all the TV analysts ever say: "That Peyton Manning. He's dumb as a brick. Probably the dumbest quarterback to ever play the game. How he finds his way to Lucas Oil Stadium every Sunday is a complete mystery."

Don't believe me? Look at how he plays! On almost every play, he forgets to call a huddle! Come ON! How long has he played this game?! After every play, Peyton, there's a huddle!

Then, because he forgot to tell everyone what play they're running, he has to spend 35 seconds at the line of scrimmage, yelling and pointing at people, hiking his leg up and down like a moron, and shouting some sort of gibberish involving random combinations of animals, colors, and kitchen utensils before Jeff Saturday(notes) finally just gets sick of it and snaps the ball.

Need another example? Fine. Look at what he has done with the uber-talented Curtis Painter(notes) this season while supposedly "helping" him. With the proper coaching, Painter could easily throw for 125, 150 yards a game. But with dumb ol' Manning coaching him, he throws for 67 yards against the Saints.

Luck, on the other hand, recently threw for 370 yards and 3 touchdowns against Colorado. Man, with Luck under center next year, do you realize how badly the Colts will blow Colorado out?

Luck is a lock! Nothing could possibly prevent him from succeeding in the NFL. Every highly-drafted quarterback—like Cam Newton(notes), Matt Ryan(notes), and Matthew Stafford(notes)—succeeds at the professional level and takes his team to dizzying new heights. (Well, if you don't count Art Schlichter, JaMarcus Russell(notes), Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith, Cade McNown, Tim Couch, David Carr(notes), Joey Harrington(notes), Brady Quinn(notes), and Jim Druckenmiller. Those were just flukes.)

If you don't believe me, look at what a success John Elway was for the Colts organization when they drafted him with the first overall pick in 1983.

So who needs dumb ol' Peyton Manning? He's old and has a crick in his neck, he hates kids, and he's a lousy coach. He's useless to the Colts now.

We can't miss with Andrew Luck.

The author is a resident of central Indiana and a long-time Colts fan. You can follow him on Twitter at @EricIvie or on Facebook.

Also by this author:

Indianapolis Colts humiliate themselves on Sunday Night Football

Same result, different week for Indianapolis Colts

Colts move into the driver's seat for Andrew Luck

Without Manning, chaos reigns in Indianapolis

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Updated Wednesday, Oct 26, 2011