Are you in town to watch the Miami Heat win? Here’s a guide to our fair (and wet) city

If you are a Denver Nuggets fan visiting Miami for the NBA Finals, you probably care about one thing and one thing only: that Nikola Jokic drops 50 in each of the next two games, and your team stomps the Miami Heat into the hot, steamy, tragic furnace of basketball history.

We wish, of course, for the exact opposite thing to occur, and, should we encounter you in the arena over the next few nights, we might be moved to say so in less pleasant terms.

But that doesn’t mean we won’t offer you a guide to having a good time in Miami.

Listen, we know you come from an awesome city, where the air is thin and the weed is legal. You have majestic mountains and wild fires. We have torrential rain and unending corruption. We both have really good basketball teams, but you probably knew that.

If you’re here, you probably already have an agenda. But if you don’t, here are a few things to keep in mind as you plan your time in Miami.

First, let’s talk about the weather

In Miami, there is a strong chance the weather will not cooperate with any evening outdoor plans, whether that’s walking to dinner or to and from the game. Heat fans can tell you horror stories about the aftermath of a recent Boston loss, walking miles to their cars in gale force winds and pounding rain, water sloshing up past their ankles as they dodged monstrous cracks of lightning and distracted downtown drivers (both are equally dangerous).

Sudden storms strike Miami with all the ferocity of a Bam Adebayo slam dunk, so make your plans and hope for the best. It’s all you can do. And remember, if there’s lightning, try to take the 30,000 steps to and from the Kaseya Center without clinging to the metal railing.

The Kaseya Center

Nobody in Miami knows this is the proper name for the downtown arena, so if you ask for directions prepare to get blank stares in return. Most of us are still calling it the Triple A. We still think the football stadium is called Joe Robbie, and we are very wrong. Also we firmly believe it should be called the Udonis Haslem Arena, but nobody is listening to us because we are broke from paying for season tickets.

Also “Kaseya” in no way references the failed cryptocurrency company the arena was last named after, but, like Fight Club and Bruno, we don’t talk about that anymore (though evidence remains on the seats inside the arena).

We also need to talk about Bayside

You might see Bayside Marketplace next door to the Kaseya Center and think that this is a place locals go for a bite before the game.

You would be wrong.

We do not go there, ever, unless we live north of the Miami-Dade line and are unreasonably afraid of the mean and did we mention often flooded streets of Miami. You don’t want to go there, either, unless you have a craving for a pricey over-sugared frozen drink. Bayside is the very definition of a tourist trap, and rumors of $100 parking on game nights have not been exaggerated.

Where to eat on game night

If you want to eat close to downtown, leave early and head to one of our favorite places on game night: the funky Bunbury, an Argentine restaurant with excellent steaks and a soaring wine menu. Or you can just order a couple of empanadas and call it good (we recommend the duck empanada if they have it).

You could also try Julia & Henry’s food hall, which just opened on Flagler. You’ll find concepts from chefs like Michelle Bernstein and José Mendin and just about anything you could imagine: burgers, tacos, sushi, pastries, Cuban food and Chinese food and Mediterranean food — and more, plus the craft beer bar Boxelder and two other bars.

If you have enough time, you can the best chicken parm in the land at Crust (which also serves some great pizza). Be warned, though: These portions are huge, and you’re not going to want to leave leftovers behind, so order accordingly

Where to eat on other nights

If you live in Colorado and you love to eat, you are no stranger to Michelin-starred restaurants. Good news! Miami has 12 Michelin-starred restaurants and quite a few others noted by the famous international guide. French restaurant L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon has two Michelin stars and is absolutely worth a visit.

Or you can try the newest addition to the guide, The Tambourine Room by Tristan Brandt at the Carillon Miami Wellness Beach Resort, which serves modern French cuisine with Asian touches.

Depending on how long you stay, you could also try Jaguar Sun and Rosie’s, the two most recent additions to Michelin’s Bib Gourmand list, meaning they serve great food for affordable prices..

We have rooftop bars, too

If it’s not raining, head to one of Miami’s many rooftop bars. Sitting above it all and overlooking the city or the bay can’t be beat. Order the cocktail of your choice and take time to ponder how on earth the Heat made it this far without one of the starting players.

The rules of going to the beach

First, you should know that no self-respecting Miamian ever sets food on South Beach unless they’re absolutely forced to (although we are more likely to be spotted there than at Bayside, even if it’s only to eat at Macchialina.)

But because you’re a tourist and from a state without beaches, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to venture across the causeway.

So sunbathe. Stroll. Swim. Just do yourself a favor and steer clear of aggressive Ocean Drive hostesses who will be only too happy to stab you with a menu full of overpriced items to get your attention.

And please, don’t embarrass yourself by ordering one of those fake tropical drinks with the two Coronas turned upside-down in them. We want your team to lose and for nightmares of Jimmy Butler to consume your waking days, but we don’t want you haunted by this tacky memory.