Nothing is sacred anymore.
Somebody stole Red Panda’s unicycle at San Francisco International Airport, according to KTVU-TV.
Despite all the partisanship in America these days, I still thought there was one thing we could all agree on: You do not mess with Red Panda, a.k.a. Rong Niu, the legendary acrobat who has been flipping bowls onto her head from atop a 7-foot unicycle during NBA halftime shows for decades.
But no. Evil spares none.
“She’s heartbroken,” Red Panda’s agent, Pat Figley, told KTVU. ”It’s like her baby was kidnapped. She’s had that unicycle for 30 years.”
Have you no soul, unicycle thief? May the sword of justice be long with one wheel on the end of it.
According to Figley, Red Panda saw her unicycle at the baggage claim from a distance, but before she could reach it, somebody “must have grabbed it.” He told KTVU that they’re hoping it was claimed by mistake, which — likely story. There is a unicycle burglary ring in the area, which we know because robbers allegedly got out of their car to steal a woman’s unicycle while she was riding it in Oakland.
Authorities are investigating the incident, and Figley is offering a $2,000 for the unicycles’s safe return.
Red Panda, being the true professional she is, missed just one game before continuing to warm the hearts of basketball fans young and old. Understandably, she is shaken by this unspeakable tragedy.
“She’s doing horribly,” added Figley. “She’s dropping balls. She’s just not used to it. The one that was stolen was custom built for her.”
Today is the day America lost its innocence. The nation mourns.
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