Yahoo Sports The Premier League: soap opera-level drama and shoddy narrative
START FOOTBALL!
It was good while it lasted but even The Fiver has to admit that lying around in our undies watching repeats of Keeping up Appearances while mainlining Tin for 100 days straight was going to grow old eventually. So before we get trampled by the stampede to the nearest telly-box to watch Aston Villa v Sheffield United, it is with a heavy heart that we officially end our most successful STOP FOOTBALL campaign to date. We’ll be back, mind. There are 92 matches live on TV and most of them will be rubbish. It won’t be long before we’re pining for a Hyacinth Bucket one-liner and decide to get back on the soap box again.
But for now we have to do some real work such as figuring out who is playing who on what channel. We might even need to resurrect Tonight’s TV & Radio – and not just because we’ve run out of ideas and succumbed to nostalgia to fill space like we usually do. Another problem is remembering what the hell was happening in the Premier League before shutdown. A quick glance at the table tells us that Liverpool were trying to form a breakaway league of one and Norwich couldn’t wait to get back into the Championship. Oh, and the Big Cup ban hanging over Manchester City means fifth place has been given some added bling unless Uefa performs a screeching U-turn.
Related: Arsenal and Arteta begin 10-game tightrope walk that may decide future | Nick Ames
But the Premier League isn’t about who finishes where anyway, is it? It survives on soap opera-level drama and shoddy narrative. Is José Mourinho happy or sad? Are Manchester United a swollen mess or a resurgent giant? Has Duncan Ferguson adopted any ball boys yet? And is Andy Carroll still a footballer? The Premier League feeds off this kind of guff – and so do we – and if football without fans in England is going to work we’re going to need some decent storylines from some of its protagonists over the coming weeks.
So no pressure then, Dean Smith and Chris Wilder, the two managers whose teams get the show back on the road again on Wednesday evening. Though, to be fair that is merely the garlic bread before the stuffed crust pepperoni pizza that is Manchester City v Arsenal later on. We’re hoping to see a passable impression of competitive football and if comedic fake atmosphere is necessary to jazz it up then bring it on. In any case, we’ll be more interested in whether Mikel Arteta has the stones to troll his mentor by turning up in Pep’s old grey coatigan. Start the nonsense.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He hasn’t been to a game yet, but we have talked about it. He does love England and if he was in England at the time of a game he would definitely come, but he’s very heavily involved with basketball, different businesses and his charity work. This is the next best thing” – Northampton chairman Kelvin Thomas on why a cutout of Shaquille O’Neal will be in place – among others – for the League Two play-offs on Thursday.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest Football Weekly podcast is a Jonathan Liew special, while there’s a new Forgotten Stories of Football episode up too on Fred Spiksley: wing wizard, film star and POW escapee.
FIVER LETTERS
“As the resplendent success of The Fiver’s Stop Football campaign fades faster than the UK electorate’s memory of whatever made it vote for that character in the first place, can I ask whether any thought has been given to commissioning a memorialising song? Perhaps asking the ditty-meisters Baddiel and Skinner to give it one more go with Ian Broudie? I’m sure Fiver readers can come up with appropriate titles” – Alex Folkes.
“Hang on. I’ve been away from this for a while, but Bayern’s coach (yesterday’s Fiver) is Herr Flick, your audience is one of the few that would have chuckled, and you let it go? Can I do it? Can I say zis only once? Good moaning! Ah … Football is back, and with it, terrible jokes” – Joe Lowry.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver letters. Being from the other side of the Pond, I was confused by Robin Flowers’ reference to too many Linekers [you and us both – Fiver Ed]. My research led me to this” – Tony Christopher.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Joe Lowry.
BITS AND BOBS
Not really news dept: Bayern Munich have won the league again. “It is sensational the kind of football we have played in the past few months,” cheered Hansi Flick.
Big Cup is off to Lisbon for a one-legged mini-tournament from the last eight onwards in August, Women’s Big Cup is Bilbao- and San Sebastián-bound, while Big Vase will be played in four German cities.
Another twist in Newcastle’s endless takeover saga has seen USA! USA!! USA!!!-based TV suit Henry Mauriss throw in a £350m offer, which is £50m more than from the one that includes the renowned upholders of human rights.
Pint-sized Bournemouth winger Ryan Fraser will skedaddle out of the Vitality Stadium door marked Do One at the end of the month, after turning his nose up at a short-term contract extension.
The UK government have told fans that if they congregate outside grounds their club could be sent to a neutral-venue naughty step. Meanwhile, Jürgen Klopp has issued a rallying cry for Liverpool supporters to embrace being couch potatoes. “I will make the boys feel your support,” he yelped. “Stay safe, support us from home.”
An alliance of fan groups across 16 countries have launched a campaign to STOP FAKE CROWD NOISE! “The absence of fans cannot be compensated for by a computer simulation aimed at the amusement of television audiences,” roared words in a letter. “Augmented reality technology, pre-recorded chants, and other forms of artificial support represent a rebuke to match-going fans.”
And results app LiveScore will live-stream all remaining games in the Serie A season, which is a bit weird.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Here we are, a high-speed entertainment product, sealed within its bubble, zooming off towards the vanishing point.” It’s Barney Ronay on the Premier League’s return. And here’s Proper Journalism’s David Conn on the government’s mixed messages about football.
Marcus Rashford 1-0 Boris Johnson came from football’s power to effect change, writes Jonathan Liew.
Arsenal risk being left further behind if they fail to rise to the 10-game challenge of qualifying for Big Cup, warns Nick Ames.
Premier League restart previews: No 19 West Ham and No 20 Wolves. Full house!
That Jonathan Woodgate bow, that Chris Iwelumo miss and more of the game’s most gloriously disastrous debuts. A Knowledge special.
And Tavagnacco’s Millie Chandarana tells Reemul Balla about her football journey from a halfway-line own goal aged eight to Serie A via Blackburn and Dubai.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
