Power Rankings: Texas can take the heat

Tim Brown

New York Yankees lose CC Sabathia and Andy Pettitte within hours, consider building single pitcher with parts from both.

The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):


1. Texas Rangers (47-29; Previous: 4) – It's been so hot in Texas, Nolan Ryan has appeared slightly uncomfortable. I said "slightly."

New York

2. New York Yankees (46-28; Previous: 3) – "Little Jerry Seinfeld" alarmed to discover Joe Girardi's binder is actually a cookbook.

Los Angeles

3. Los Angeles Angels (42-33; Previous: 10) – Mike Trout hats become rage at Angel Stadium, draw hundreds of feral cats.


4. Washington Nationals (43-30; Previous: 1) – Nats need to consider what shutting down Stephen Strasburg at 160 innings will do to their offense.

San Francisco

5. San Francisco Giants (43-33; Previous: 6) – Undercover police officers posed as Dodger fans at AT&T Park, but blew their cover when spotted in their seats for first pitch.

Los Angeles

6. Los Angeles Dodgers (43-33; Previous: 2) – Dodgers blow 7½-game lead in a month, pretty sure the Red Sox did it with more style.


7. Baltimore Orioles (41-33; Previous: 7) – Orioles' defense only slightly better than Sandusky's.


8. Cincinnati Reds (41-33; Previous: 9) – Aroldis Chapman pulled over and ticketed for what officers termed, "a rolling stopper."


9. Boston Red Sox (40-35; Previous: 19) – Youk goes from Red Sox controversy to presidential campaign issue, happy to be out of public eye for a while.

Tampa Bay

10. Tampa Bay Rays (40-35; Previous: 5) – In hindsight, Joel Peralta believes pine-tar beard and mustache weren't nearly discreet enough.


11. Atlanta Braves (40-34; Previous: 11) – So he can maintain his current schedule, Chipper Jones considers post-baseball career in politics.


12. Chicago White Sox (40-35; Previous: 8) – White Sox fan Obama loves Kevin Youkilis, both hoping to improve against righties.


13. Pittsburgh Pirates (39-35; Previous: 12) – Pirates understand reluctance to believe they are for real, only wish people would quit poking at them in public places.

St. Louis

14. St. Louis Cardinals (40-36; Previous: 17) – Mike Matheny should have known better than to call in double-switch from Texas Rangers bullpen phone.

New York

15. New York Mets (40-36; Previous: 14) – Man named Byrdak put in charge of mascot acquisition, buys chicken. Damn good thing they didn't go to R.A. Dickey first.


16. Arizona Diamondbacks (37-37; Previous: 18) – Miguel Montero claims D-backs hitters are "raking machines," which makes the groundskeeper very nervous.


17. Toronto Blue Jays (38-37; Previous: 16) – Jays sign Jamie Moyer, who, with the exchange rate, is now closer to 41.


18. Cleveland Indians (37-37; Previous: 13) – Indians get raw deal in New York on less-than-generous call by third-base umpire Peter Minuit.


19. Oakland Athletics (37-39; Previous: 23) – In lieu of new ballpark study, A's conduct environmental impact report on clubhouse hamper, just to stay in practice.


20. Detroit Tigers (36-39; Previous: 20) – Tigers add Harrah to big-league staff, want him to know hitters backward and forward.


21. Philadelphia Phillies (36-41; Previous: 21) – Noam Chomsky, Kevin Bacon, Bill Cosby, Louisa May Alcott, Alexander Haig, the Dead Milkmen, The Mayflower Madam, Cliff Lee: Famous Philadelphians who this season haven't won a game for the Phillies.


22. Miami Marlins (35-40; Previous: 14) – Marlins so bad the aquarium fish are ashamed to come out from behind little toy pirate ships.

Kansas City

23. Kansas City Royals (34-39; Previous: 27) – Manager Ned Yost, asked why the offense has come around, responds, that's the "$64-million question." The Royals' payroll? Yeah, $64 million.


24. Milwaukee Brewers (34-41; Previous: 22) – Things so rough in Milwaukee, Bernie Brewer now registers at hotels under name "Mr. Met."


25. Seattle Mariners (32-45; Previous: 25) – Felix Hernandez only a few losses from serious Cy Young contention.


26. Houston Astros (32-43; Previous: 26) – Astros consider removing train from ballpark. The caboose will stay for sentimental reasons.


27. Minnesota Twins (30-44; Previous: 24) – Reports from team golf outing say rookie Scott Diamond did not hit a single fairway.


28. Colorado Rockies (28-46; Previous: 28) – Rockies, on why they'd go with a four-man rotation: because three would be just silly.

San Diego

29. San Diego Padres (27-49; Previous: 30) – Anthony Rizzo, grinning, on being the Cubs' savior: "I was the savior last year, too."


29. Chicago Cubs (26-49; Previous: 29) – Theo learning that Chicagoans believe patience and a long-term plan is a good idea. Right up until the third beer.

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