Power Rankings: Marlins blossom, D-backs fall

Tim Brown

Did you know that Victoria's Secret has a line of baseball wear, featuring 17 major-league teams?

It's true.

So, you can shop for a ballgame teddy.

The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):


1. Texas Rangers (24-14; Previous: 2) – Josh Hamilton says he can be happy anywhere in free agency, just as long as – you know – he can still hit against Orioles.

Tampa Bay

2. Tampa Bay Rays (24-14; Previous: 1) – Rays are so smart they've decided to home school clubbies.


3. Baltimore Orioles (24-14; Previous: 5) – O's wish Rays would stop introducing them as, "Our wingman."

Los Angeles

4. Los Angeles Dodgers (24-13; Previous: 4) – Dodgers lead league in sacrifices. Manager now goes by "Donnie Small-ball."


5. Washington Nationals (23-14; Previous: 6) – Bryce Harper unimpressed by Cole Hamels' hazing, believes an authentic old-schooler would have bloodied own face with pitch.


6. Atlanta Braves (23-15; Previous: 7) – In embarrassing moment during Jamie Moyer-Chipper Jones feud, both forget what they were arguing about.

St. Louis

7. St. Louis Cardinals (22-15; Previous: 3) – Tony La Russa has number retired and, seeing as he also threw out first pitch, bats self eighth.

New York

8. New York Yankees (20-17; Previous: 9) – Mark Teixeira diagnosed with "severely inflamed bronchial airways," which, coincidentally, is also the name of China's national airline.


9. Cleveland Indians (21-16; Previous: 11) – We're not saying the Indians' bullpen is an anonymous bunch, but one of their best relievers is named Joe Smith.


10. Miami Marlins (20-17; Previous: 24) – April glowers bring May flowers. Or something like that.

New York

11. New York Mets (20-17; Previous: 14) – Mets get '13 All-Star game in Queens. Motto: Come for the stars, stay for the rebuilt carburetor.


12. Toronto Blue Jays (20-18; Previous: 8) – Blue Jays allow home run to Albert Pujols, reconsider entire organizational pitching philosophy.


13. Cincinnati Reds (19-17; Previous: 18) – Aroldis Chapman in eighth inning is like having Kate Upton as pen pal.


14. Detroit Tigers (18-19; Previous: 12) – Rookie Drew Smyly mistakes man for Manny Pacquiao, who was kind enough to go along, primarily because he mistook Smyly for Brandon Inge.


15. Philadelphia Phillies (19-19; Previous: 15) – Jayson Werth says he'll personally endeavor to keep Phillies' fans from any future parade. Last seen jackhammering Broad Street.

San Francisco

16. San Francisco Giants (18-19; Previous: 13) – Things getting a little dark around the despondent Giants. All you ever hear around them is "Belt or Pill? Belt or Pill?"


17. Boston Red Sox (17-20; Previous: 16) – Josh Beckett explains last Thursday's start to reporters: "Um, let's see, tee shot, drop, re-hit, trap, out, two-putt. Yeah, put me down for a seven."


18. Oakland Athletics (19-19; Previous: 21) – Swimmer Michael Phelps comes clean, says reports of 12,000-calorie days are myth. Bartolo Colon finds that humorous.

Los Angeles

19. Los Angeles Angels (17-21; Previous: 17) – Causes for $16-billion state deficit include tax shortfalls, federal government interference and, of course, the severe Pujols shortage.


20. Pittsburgh Pirates (17-20; Previous: 26) – Bucs so close to .500 they can smell it. Either that, or someone left the oven on.


21. Chicago White Sox (17-21; Previous: 20) – Devil suffers clerical error – Philip Humber gets pitching soul back four starts after perfect game.


22. Arizona Diamondbacks (16-22; Previous: 10) – Orel Hershiser asks Kirk Gibson to catch ceremonial first pitch at Dodger Stadium. Orel Hershiser clearly never met Kirk Gibson.


23. Milwaukee Brewers (16-21; Previous: 22) – Fired by MLB, Shyam Das lands unusually lucrative position as Ryan Braun's pool boy.

Kansas City

24. Kansas City Royals (15-21; Previous: 27) – Jeff Francoeur's mom attends game. Francoeur refrains from tossing her $100 for beer and pizza.


25. Colorado Rockies (15-21; Previous: 19) – Jamie Moyer is oldest player ever with RBI. Youngest, however, to go home to first in more than 23 seconds.


26. Houston Astros (16-21; Previous: 23) – Ozzie Guillen says 'Stros reliever Wilton Lopez should be "chased … all the way to Puerto Rico." Not very nice of Ozzie. Lopez is from Nicaragua.


27. Chicago Cubs (15-22; Previous: 28) – Chicago police on heightened readiness for possible riots during weekend NATO summit. Also handy if Sveum bunts Castro again.


28. Seattle Mariners (16-23; Previous: 25) – All things considered, GM Jack Zduriencik wishes he'd kept LaHair piece.

San Diego

29. San Diego Padres (14-24; Previous: 29) – Anthony Bass keeps it simple on mound, thinks, "Catch and release."


30. Minnesota Twins (11-26; Previous: 30) – Do Minneapolis and St. Paul finish each other's sentences?

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