It’s trade season. We’ve got trades.
The rankings (records through Wednesday’s games):
1. Los Angeles Dodgers (66-29; Previous: 2): Yasiel Puig for, geez, how about a little room on the freeways?
2. Houston Astros (63-32; Previous: 1): They’ll kick back three games in the standings for some of those new spinner things the kids love.
3. Washington Nationals (57-37; Previous: 5): Cab fare for the bullpen, straight up.
4. Boston Red Sox (54-42; Previous: 4): A couple old scoreboard panels for a David Price quote.
5. Arizona Diamondbacks (54-40; Previous: 3): Game-worn Goldschmidt jersey if they can unsee the pool deck from that one bachelor party.
6. Colorado Rockies (56-41; Previous: 6): Free season tickets if they could have the past few weeks back.
7. Milwaukee Brewers (52-45; Previous: 7): Twenty bucks for the name of anyone who thinks the Cubs aren’t going to catch them.
8. Tampa Bay Rays (51-45; Previous: 13): Dallas Keuchel actually offered a bit of his command for some of Chris Archer’s velo. Done. We’ll call the result Dalris Keucher and pitch him Friday.
9. Chicago Cubs (49-45; Previous: 12): Nah, they’re good.
10. New York Yankees (48-45; Previous: 8): A top 20 prospect if ESPN will stop with the DQ Blizzard commercials.
11. Cleveland Indians (48-45; Previous: 9): Their souls for another inning against Chapman.
12. Minnesota Twins (48-46; Previous: 11): A Bartolo Colon rookie card for just a few more innings out of Bartolo Colon himself.
13. Seattle Mariners (48-48; Previous: 19): Dipoto knows the Mariners need help, wondering if he’s reached the annual limit on trades.
14. Pittsburgh Pirates (47-48; Previous: 22): McCutchen has been on the trading block for so long he’s hung curtains.
15. St. Louis Cardinals (46-48; Previous: 16): Secretly wonder what Braves would want for a, you know, “Matt Adams type.”
16. Kansas City Royals (46-47; Previous: 10): A golf clap for the names of everyone who in the past six months made a window reference.
17. Los Angeles Angels (47-50; Previous: 14): You know that deal where if you could start a team with any one player, who’d it be? Yeah. Never mind.
18. Atlanta Braves (45-48; Previous: 15): Braves confusing teams with response: “What do we want for Teheran!? A ring, baby!”
19. Texas Rangers (45-49; Previous: 17): They’d take 25 Adrian Beltres if they could. Not positive who would pitch.
20. Baltimore Orioles (45-49; Previous: 18): The O’s don’t ordinarily sell at the deadline, so they’re trying to think of it as a permanent loan.
21. Toronto Blue Jays (43-51; Previous: 20): Really trying to get something done before Trump changes all the international trade rules.
22. New York Mets (42-50; Previous: 21): A situational reliever for an explanation of how exactly superheroes can get hurt.
23. Detroit Tigers (43-50; Previous: 25): Tigers thinking teardown, but stuck between using wrecking ball or plastic spoon they filched from cafeteria.
24. Oakland Athletics (43-52; Previous: 26): A’s have a pressing plan to get a new stadium and a better team, so the next 10 days are going to be pretty whirlwind.
25. Miami Marlins (42-51; Previous: 24): Stanton’s pricey contract limits his destinations to New York, L.A. and Brunei.
26. San Diego Padres (40-54; Previous: 28): Know where they can get a few more Rule 5 guys?
27. Cincinnati Reds (40-54; Previous: 27): Uh, yeah, they’re kinda drawing a blank here.
28. Chicago White Sox (38-54; Previous: 23): “Hi, my name is ____________.”
29. San Francisco Giants (37-59; Previous: 29): Exchanged a slightly used dirt bike for a totally stress-free summer.
30. Philadelphia Phillies (32-61; Previous: 30): They wouldn’t trade their tomorrow for your today. Or something like that.
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