MLB Power Rankings: Rangers won't stop contending

On steering clear of Twins, Cubs’ travel attire and one of the great battery makeups ever:

The rankings (records through Wednesday’s games):

1. St. Louis Cardinals (86-47; Previous: 1) – If Pirates get too close, Cardinals ready with fire hoses and evasive maneuvers.

2. Kansas City Royals (81-51; Previous: 2) – Royals trying to put as much distance as possible between themselves and pesky Twins, not unlike many in cast of “Full House.”

3. Pittsburgh Pirates (79-52; Previous: 3) – It’s OK though, because Pirates have element of surprise: don’t-give-a-crap swagger and a couple of those long ladders.

4. Toronto Blue Jays (76-57; Previous: 4) – Just for the record, Jays all in favor of A-Rod at first base.

5. Chicago Cubs (75-57; Previous: 5) – Cubs wear pajamas on flight home from L.A., keeping up theme of sleep-walking through West Coast trip.

6. Los Angeles Dodgers (75-57; Previous: 7) – Dodgers had Jimmy Kimmel announce Vin Scully’s return because any other way would have been incredibly awkward.

7. New York Mets (74-59; Previous: 10) – Daniel Murphy admits blind backhand flip in Philly was less about getting an out and more about staying in practice for toll buckets along Garden State Parkway.

8. Houston Astros (73-61; Previous: 8) – Astros and Brewers need to work on a trade that would bring us the battery: Goforth and Conger.

9. New York Yankees (74-58; Previous: 6) – Jeter “Rickrolls” readers on website, the rough equivalent of your stiff old aunt making a fart joke.

10. Texas Rangers (70-62; Previous: 13) – Rangers get back a little sooner than we expected, find all the Angels’ beer bottles lying around.

11. Minnesota Twins (69-63; Previous: 17) – On further investigation, Miguel Sano blast missed The Trop B-ring and struck Saturn A-ring.

12. San Francisco Giants (69-64; Previous: 9) – Arbitrator finds that 31 teams independently arrived at conclusion Barry Bonds was just not a lot of fun to be around. Giants voted twice.

13. Washington Nationals (67-65; Previous: 14) – If they knew Mets were going to be this good, woulda played better.

14. Tampa Bay Rays (66-67; Previous: 15) – Kevin Kiermaier will come down off that wall when he’s good and ready.

15. Los Angeles Angels (67-66; Previous: 11) – The people who ding Mike Trout for lack of RBIs probably scold their puppies for not having thumbs.

16. Cleveland Indians (64-68; Previous: 22) – Indians relieved Mark Shapiro didn’t take Terry Francona with him. Or the frozen yogurt machine. Like that too.

17. San Diego Padres (64-69; Previous: 18) – Padres were 32-33 under Bud Black, and then 32-33 under Pat Murphy. Sometimes, you know, you’re just a 32-33 kinda team.

18. Arizona Diamondbacks (65-69; Previous: 16) – D’backs could be 81-81 for third time in four years, embody the new “replacement team” that is statisticians’ Holy Grail.

19. Baltimore Orioles (64-69; Previous: 12) – Buck Showalter insists it’s not time to point fingers, nods in direction of offense.

20. Boston Red Sox (61-72; Previous: 24) – Red Sox figure there’s still seven or eight defensive positions they haven’t tried Hanley at yet, will keep trying.

21. Chicago White Sox (61-70; Previous: 21) – White Sox win throwback game wearing their mothers’ old house coats.

22. Seattle Mariners (63-71; Previous: 20) – Ken Griffey Jr. catches fish, rides moped in Mariners’ highlight video. What? Sorry, some dude’s music video.

23. Detroit Tigers (61-71; Previous: 19) – If Verlander’s Verlander again, and Miggy’s Miggy, then who gets to be Scherzer?

24. Oakland Athletics (58-76; Previous: 25) – Piece of outfield wall falls down, revealing several old scouts, hungry and cold.

25. Milwaukee Brewers (57-75; Previous: 27) – Since 4-17 start, Brewers were 52-58, which is, well, you know, not utterly horrible. So, yeah, go Brew Crew!

26. Cincinnati Reds (55-77; Previous: 26) – MLB sends out postseason schedule. Lands in Reds’ spam folder.

27. Atlanta Braves (54-79; Previous: 23) – The Braves, if you don’t mind, would like a moment to compose themselves.

28. Colorado Rockies (54-78; Previous: 29) – Jose Reyes would rather not “waste my time” in Colorado, maybe should take up guitar or needlepoint or something.

29. Miami Marlins (55-79; Previous: 28) – Giancarlo Stanton takes two months off, returns to find himself five back in home run race. Thanks everyone for waiting.

30. Philadelphia Phillies (53-81; Previous: 30) – Phillies to erect protective netting around stadium. Not the field. The stadium. Maybe the parking lots too.

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