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Mark Zuckerberg vs. Elon Musk: Which Tech Billionaire Would Win an Actual ‘Cage Match’?

Silicon Valley’s leading millennial founder-bro and its foremost Gen X corporate-takeover artist have a lot in common, so we’re not surprised to see Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk talking trash and cracking wise across various social-media platforms—not to mention some on-again, off-again flirting with an actual physical fight. And while the cage match is currently on ice (at least according to the latest from whatever Twitter is called now), the metaphorical battle between the VC-backed boy geniuses rages on. In both corners: tech titans with 12-figure personal fortunes and digital town squares populated by more users than most countries have residents. In a head-to-head, who gets your bet? Or are you one of the increasing multitude openly rooting for a double knockout?

AND IN THIS CORNER

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Age: 39. Height: 5’7”. Weight: 154 lbs.

Small, quick, and wiry—like efficient coding.

AND IN THIS CORNER

Age: 52. Height: 6’1”. Weight: 187 lbs.

Large and unpredictable, like a runaway driverless car—and similarly at risk of bursting into flames.

Tesla Crash Investigation - Credit: AP Images

AP Images

NET WORTH

$102 Billion

Enough to build a UFC-style octagon—or your own mixed–martial arts league, if you like—in your backyard, though not quite enough to convince your wife it’s cool.

824389672 - Credit: Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

NET WORTH

$230 Billion

Enough to buy a $44 billion company, reduce its value by two-thirds in less than a year, and still have time to worry about whether @catturd2 thinks you’re cool.

HOW THEY’VE BEEN PREPARING

“I’m going to focus on competing with people who take the sport seriously.” — @Zuck, via Threads. He started learning Brazilian jujitsu during the pandemic and has progressed to full-on MMA training.

HOW THEY’VE BEEN PREPARING

“Am lifting weights throughout the day, preparing for the fight. Don’t have time to work out, so I just bring them to work.” — @elonmusk, via X. Claims to have practiced judo, karate, and tae kwon do—as a child.

CAGE-FIGHT NICKNAME

Heavy Meta

CAGE-FIGHT NICKNAME

X-Man

SPECIAL MOVES

The PC Poke

A quick jab of digital affirmation to the eyes while he steals your data from behind.

SPECIAL MOVES

The Birdstrike

A gut punch that knocks the air out of his opponents’ lungs—and tanks their stock value.

1572362855 - Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

IF THEIR SOCIAL NETWORKS BATTLED BY PROXY

Threads

This young upstart reached 100,000,000 users in five days, a Cinderella run that put it in title contention right out of the gate.

1517080038 - Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

IF THEIR SOCIAL NETWORKS BATTLED BY PROXY

X

The App Formerly Known as Twitter: Still the reigning champ, but this punch-drunk old-timer is bleeding users and advertisers. It’ll take more than a name change to keep the title.

Twitter New Logo - Credit: Beata Zawrzel/NurPhoto via AP

Beata Zawrzel/NurPhoto via AP

WEAKNESS

Intimidation factor. No matter how many sweaty, shirtless training photos he posts, he’ll always be the guy in that video awkwardly hydrofoiling in long sleeves while holding an American flag

WEAKNESS

Temperament. Who knows which Elon will show up? Plus, his bizarre management style means he’ll probably end up firing his training crew a week before the fight.

 

CELEBRITY CORNERMAN

Jesse Eisenberg,

with a background in acting, drumming, and word games.

107916194 - Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Jason Merritt/Getty Images

 

CELEBRITY CORNERMAN

Joe Rogan,

with a background in tae kwon do, kickboxing, and jujitsu.

1327904144 - Credit: Stacy Revere/Getty Images

Stacy Revere/Getty Images

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