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Kobe Bryant continues his post-playing artistry with a Steve Urkel slam poem

Ben Rohrbach
·Senior NBA writer
Kobe Bryant is to Mamba as Steve Urkel is to Stefan Urquelle. (AP)
Kobe Bryant is to Mamba as Steve Urkel is to Stefan Urquelle. (AP)

Kobe Bryant debuted an animated short film at the Tribeca Film Festival this week, which means we heard a lot from the legendary Los Angeles Lakers guard about his post-playing career as an artist.

It was all very Kobe Bryant, from the revelation that he calls Oprah Winfrey, among others, for inspiration, to telling Complex magazine’s Russ Bengston, “Because the magic is how you take a very sports-specific message and connect that to human nature as a whole. That’s really the magic sauce.”

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There was one bit of artistry that wasn’t so Kobe, and that was his Steve Urkel-inspired slam poem reading on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon,” which is maybe why it stood out as so funny:

A black turtleneck-wearing Kobe Bryant reading, “This Stefan-ification of Steve is but a reprieve from when the boss sauce wears off,” is pretty spectacular. I do not know if Kobe actually wrote this poem, but I’m going to guess he didn’t, because we didn’t hear how he went into his “Musecage” to create it.

The rest of Kobe’s hard-hitting “Tonight Show” interview featured Fallon saying, “I think you’re still the best basketball player out there right now,” and a Sports Illustrated for Kids reporter telling Bryant he deserves to win MVP and the championship every season, but the Urkel poem was intentionally funny.

Apparently they never saw Jaleel White in the 1991 MTV Rock N’ Jock B-Ball Jam, though.

Kobe reportedly did write his “Dear Basketball” retirement poem, and he’s now repurposed it as a short film animated by legendary illustrator Glen Keane and scored by even more legendary composer John Williams — two more people Bryant calls for advice from a list that also reportedly includes J.J. Abrams, Steven Spielberg, J.K. Rowling and George R.R. Martin. The film made its way to YouTube:

It is quite good, because the animation and music is exceptionally good. It is Glen Keane and John Williams, after all. The script is the “Dear Basketball” poem, which was quite good as well, and falls in line with Bryant’s post-playing artistic tradition of recycling art he’s already created into other genres. And that’s cool. I’m here for Kobe Bryant’s art. I really am. I’d just like to see what else is in that crazy brain of his besides Mamba’s “Musecage” and “Dear Basketball.” Trust me, the man has a crazy brain.

If you hadn’t learned that over the course of Kobe’s basketball career, he reminded us in an hourlong Q&A session at the Tribeca Film Festival hosted by none other than noted film critic Michael Strahan:

Join us LIVE for a Storytellers discussion with Kobe Bryant, Glen Keane, and host Michael Strahan after the premiere of Bryant and Keane’s short animated collaboration, DEAR BASKETBALL!

Posted by Tribeca on Sunday, April 23, 2017

HBO’s Michael Gluckstadt did well to retell “the Kobiest things” Bryant shared during the interview:

The good news is Kobe will not be giving up on his storytelling pursuits anytime soon, so we’ll have plenty of opportunities to determine whether he will be as great in the editing room as he was on the court. Bryant has spent the past week telling multiple outlets he doesn’t miss basketball at all, and when asked by Bengston if he planned a return to the game in a front-office role, as his former agent Rob Pelinka suggested upon taking the job as Lakers general manager last month, Kobe told Complex, “No. No. I love what I’m doing. I love story. We love what we love, man. I can’t get enough of this stuff.”

“Dear Basketball” wasn’t Kobe’s only recent artistic creation, either. He also unveiled his “Obsession Is Natural” ad campaign for BodyArmor — a company he’s heavily invested in — with a Players’ Tribune piece about that same hunting a seal-like Allen Iverson bit he cited in his Tribeca Film Festival sit-down, along with a commercial he wrote, directed and narrated for the sports drink he’s hawking:

I am also here for Kobe using his art to sell advertising. I hope he is the Don Draper of the 21st century. But where have I heard this idea about obsession separating “the bad from the good, the good from the great and the greats from the legends” before? Oh, that’s right — “Musecage,” where he explained, “Reading the game will make you a good player, understanding what you’re reading will make you a great player, but if you can write the game that others read, you become a champion.”

Kobe told Complex he came up with the “Obsession Is Natural” slogan on the spot after scoring 60 points in his final NBA game, when he added it to his signature on a BodyArmor towel for the company’s chairman, Mike Repole, in the locker room afterward. There’s even a picture to prove it. I love this for many reasons. It is creative, inspiring and, if he’s to be believed on this one, spontaneous.

Then, Kobe explains his BodyArmor commercial to Complex in such a manner that makes you think he thinks he’s freakin’ Francis Ford Coppola already, before you remember it’s a BodyArmor commercial:

“Yeah, but you know truthfully, every person has a general idea of what perfection is. You know what I mean? Like you could look at something and say … not that perfection even exists, but the idea of, Is this the best that I can do? I think all people have that inner clock that understands if this is their best work or not. I just feel like sometimes we take the shorter route and say, ‘Yeah, this is all I got,’ or when it comes to story, we kind of capitulate to what corporate governance wants to see as opposed to being true to the art and creating something that we feel is timeless. I have that stubbornness and I have the energy to stick with something and see it all the way through, and not compromise the art because the boss is still like, ‘We need something that’s very loud and that speaks to everyone now.'”

Here’s more from Bryant on his creative direction from AdAge.com last week:

“It’s one thing to inspire athletes to want to be great and you see a lot of brands doing that,” he said. “What we are trying to do instead is challenge. And there’s a big difference between inspiring and challenging.”

He added: “We live in a day and age now where kids are surrounded by instant gratification.” But “in sports you can’t do that.”

So, I’m here to challenge Kobe. Give us more original content. Keep at this. I’ve enjoyed what you’ve revealed so far, and I know there’s more in there. And I’m looking forward to the next slam poem.

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Ben Rohrbach is a contributor for Ball Don’t Lie and Shutdown Corner on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at rohrbach_ben@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter!