Week 5 in the NFL began with a vice presidential political protest and ended with a scandal that could only happen in Miami. In between, we had two serious injuries, an outspoken owner speaking out and an all-time QB showing why he’s the best there is at what he does.
Oh, and we had some terrible teams, too. And those are the ones we’ll be focusing on today. Welcome to the Sorry Six.
1. New York Giants: We start the Sorry Six where we always seem to start it. If you’d bet in August that the New York Jets would be three games better than the Giants, you’d be a happy fan. Unfortunately, nobody’s happy in New York these days, and with Odell Beckham Jr. out indefinitely, Big Blue isn’t just the team colors, it’s the team mood.
2. Cleveland Browns: Look, the big news here isn’t that Cleveland lost; that’s like reporting that the sun rose in the east. No, this week’s loss saw DeShone Kizer hit the bench and Kevin Hogan step in. For those counting, that makes 7,432 quarterbacks the Browns have fielded in the last 19 years, and Joe Thomas has blocked for every one of them.
3. Arizona Cardinals: Like every fantasy player with a top draft pick, the Cardinals were heartbroken when David Johnson went down with an injury in Week 1. But how do you explain that pitiful effort against Philly this week? The good news is, Arizona just traded for Adrian Peterson. He was a popular fantasy pick a few years back, right? He’ll turn this ship around, right?
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The state of Florida has had a wee bit of a problem with kickers, with Florida State’s many wide rights and wide lefts being exhibit A. Exhibit B has been Tampa Bay, where Nick Folk kicked the Bucs right out of an upset victory over New England. Maybe the entire state’s tilted the wrong way. Anybody ever check that?
5. Miami Dolphins: Look, we’re not trying to snow you, here’s the hard line: the Dolphins are doing all they can to blow this entire season. You can snort at that if you want, but Miami could use any bump it could get before this year goes off the rails.
6. Dallas Cowboys: You don’t give Aaron Rodgers a minute and a half to beat you! You don’t give Aaron Rodgers a second and a half to beat you! Give Aaron Rodgers half a chance and he’ll steal your game, your wallet and your Halloween candy! While Dallas is doing a fine job of standing on the sideline, at 2-3 they’re not doing so well standing up to the rest of the league.
Sorry Saga of the Week
What the hell is going on in Pittsburgh? The quarterback snipes at one wide receiver. Another wide receiver snipes at the quarterback. Everybody snipes at the running back, who snipes at everyone in return before deciding all’s good. The quarterback says he’s at the end of the road, then turns around and decides he’s one of the best in the world. The Steel Curtain is now a Paw Patrol bed sheet. We’ve seen middle-school cafeterias more sedated and measured than this. The Steelers are 3-2, yes, and have all the talent necessary to dethrone anyone in the AFC this year—yes, even Kansas City—but with everyone squalling like toddlers at changing time, it’ll be up to Mike Tomlin to rein in this crew and point them all in the same direction.
Sorry Play of the Week
With full understanding that playing in the NFL is a tough job that neither you or I could do … come ON, Cooper Kupp. You’ve got the game in your hands, a chance to help your misbegotten orphan Rams team defeat the Seattle Seahawks, and … you drop it! Dude. That’s why they pay players the big bucks before dumping them unceremoniously for a newer model. The Rams ought to be in the playoff mix for the rest of the year, the way they’re playing now, but this is a loss they’re going to be regretting come December.
Sorry Six’s Fans of the Week
Man, it’s a good thing the Eagles won on Sunday. This would’ve been an ugly, sticky, feathery, humiliating ride home for these lads if not.
Sorry Matchup of Week 6
Indianapolis Colts vs. Tennessee Titans, Monday night. Brissett! Cassel! Feel the thrill of two cringeworthy AFC South teams slap-fighting on Monday night! Lord, what a way to end the week. This’d be like going to see “Rogue One” and suddenly having footage of your grandparents making out spliced over the badass Darth Vader hallway scene. (Yeah, I just ruined your day, and I don’t regret it.) If the NFL ever were to consider contracting, the entire AFC South better just hide and hope the feeling passes.
That’ll do it for this week’s Sorry Six. Remember, folks: go practice kicking. There’s always a job in the NFL waiting for you!
Jay Busbee is a writer for Yahoo Sports and the author of EARNHARDT NATION, on sale now at Amazon or wherever books are sold. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or find him on Twitter or on Facebook.