Yahoo Sports Dear Richard Madeley: ‘My adult granddaughter was surprised I didn't pay our full restaurant bill’
Dear Richard,
My granddaughter lives with her partner overseas. My daughter and I visited last summer, and we all went out for a very jolly dinner. When the bill came, I asked the partner if we should split it, with me getting the wine.
He agreed, no fuss. But my granddaughter later told her mother she was surprised I hadn’t paid the whole bill. It’s jogged my memory and made me aware of a pattern going back years, little needling remarks she’s made about gifts and so on – always relayed to me by her mother.
My husband is a very generous man and has always made a big thing of paying for family meals. I imagine my granddaughter expected me to do the same. But I suppose I thought her partner might like to be involved – at any rate, they’re both in their 40s and both work, so money’s surely not the issue.
I sent her flowers and a card at Easter and also a birthday card just recently, plus various text messages over the last year, but have had no response.
I was very close to her when she was little and I cannot see what I have done to deserve this shutdown of all friendliness. I should add that my daughter is in regular contact with her, but they have always had a brittle relationship – indeed I have often served as a peacemaker between the two of them, which makes the current situation even harder for me to take.
— Paula, via email
Dear Paula,
Let me just say that, based on your letter to me, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
There was no obligation on you to settle the whole restaurant bill: as you say, your granddaughter and her partner aren’t impecunious teens or 20-somethings: they’re comfortably into prosperous middle age.
So what is the underlying problem? You say you’ve been here before with your granddaughter; it seems she has some kind of misplaced sense of entitlement when it comes to her dealings with you.
Why? Can you think of any reason a casual suggestion to split a routine restaurant bill should lead to this protracted silent treatment? Can your daughter think of one?
It sounds to me as if you’re going to have to bite the bullet and address this issue directly and openly with your granddaughter.
My advice is to write a letter to her – or send an email – asking her straight out why she’s ignoring you. Explain that her mother has told you about her resentment concerning the restaurant bill, and be quite open about how mystified you are by this. (Under no circumstances apologise for not picking up the whole tab, Paula.)
But keep your general tone relaxed and non-judgmental; a ‘more in sadness than in anger’ approach. I can’t predict what her response will be.
She may curl even further into her shell of resentment; she may continue to ignore you; or – who knows? – she may examine her own conduct. But unreasonable behaviour must always be challenged, calmly and firmly. The time for you to do that has arrived.
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