Crafting an absurd superfood menu for the Blue Jays

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Hot Dogs just aren’t enough, the fans demand more. (Todd Korol/Toronto Star via Getty Images)
Hot Dogs just aren’t enough, the fans demand more. (Todd Korol/Toronto Star via Getty Images)

As the 2018 season approaches, you could argue the Toronto Blue Jays have done a good job of filling the holes on their roster. That doesn’t mean the organization doesn’t have holes, though, and one of those weakness was exposed on Tuesday as the menu for the MLB Food Fest was revealed.

Below is a list of the exciting, extravagant, and zany items teams around the league are showcasing for the event. Look to the bottom left to see what the Blue Jays cooked up:

(h/t Big League Stew)
(h/t Big League Stew)

Jerk. Chicken. Nachos.

Now, it’s important to note here that there’s nothing wrong with jerk chicken nachos. They are fine. Generally speaking, food around Rogers Centre has improved in recent years and offerings like those nachos that go beyond hot dogs and chicken fingers are part of that evolution.

However, the whole point of MLB Food Fest is to show off the most bizarre creation you’ve got to drum up buzz, and the fact the Blue Jays went with jerk chicken nachos is a painful reminder that they lack a flagship superfood that is going to create headlines — and in all likelihood, serious indigestion.

So, today I thought I would propose some ideas to help bring the Blue Jays into the 21st century when it comes to monolithic calorie bombs. Here are some doable and exceedingly Canadian creations from a dubious culinary mind:

Double Maple Bacon Beavertail Burger

The donut burger concept is a tried-and-true way to bring in people who are not prioritizing their own longevity. What would make the particular item special would be the surface area of the two Beavertails which would allow for a pair of generous patties absolutely covered with maple bacon to fit comfortably in between them.

In terms of the topping on the the “buns” you’d have to go for simple cinnamon sugar which would be messy, but not ruinously so. Those who would be concerned about the lack of traditional condiments leading to dryness on this monstrosity are underestimating just how packed with grease it would be.

Deep-fried Ketchup-Chip Dusted Kraft Dinner Balls with Swiss Chalet Sauce

Not the easiest menu item to put together on account of the multiple corporate partnerships required, but well worth cutting through some red tape for.

Deep-fried mac and cheese balls are a CNE staple, but they could be taken to the next level. The ketchup chip dust would provide a slightly-alarming, but ultimately entrancing, colour and a tang that would mingle delicately on the palate with the creaminess of the cheese.

To make the beautiful symphony of flavour complete would be the aggressively-salty yet somehow comforting Chalet Sauce.

Montreal Smoked Meat and Bagel Poutine in a Cone

Montreal smoked meat poutine is nothing new. But what if the fries were replaced with deep-fried strips of Montreal bagels? That would be pretty Montreal. Until the Expos come back, the Blue Jays have the rights to dip into any kind of Canadiana with their food offerings so they should capitalize now.

Would deep fried bagel strips actually be good? Would a cone be unable to hold back an unending tide of hot gravy? It’s hard to tell on either count, but cones are in right now and a poutine with normal french fries, just doesn’t pass mustard.

Coast-to-Coast Surf N’ Turf Tortiere

A meat pie isn’t generally going to do it in a spot like this, but when you have an entire massive country to draw on you can make something happen. In this case, the combination of Alberta beef and Nova Scotia lobster in a single pie would be symbolically powerful if not necessarily delicious.

You could charge a pretty penny for this and people would take pictures of it and feel more Canadian. The same cannot be said for jerk chicken nachos.

Smarties-Coated Timbit Two-Four with real Maple Syrup

Once again, a couple of corporate partnerships are required to make this fly, but it could soar. A single Timbit is nothing, a six-pack would be a lot, but 24 would be a ridiculous. This mega pack would be shared liberally, both in person and on social media.

The Smarties give the Timbits some good colour and a little crunch, plus help them avoid soaking in too much maple syrup. Certainly something to keep away from the children, but undeniably delicious.

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