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Cauz: 15 Christmas movies that define 2017

CFL

I think that we can all agree that the holidays are a tinsel-wrapped mixed bag. They bring out the best and worst with your family, and you freak out about what to buy your loved ones but at least you get a whole new collection of socks and underwear to last you 365 days.

Hey, I will take the passive aggressive moments and eggnog bloating because in the end, Christmas is my favourite of all the holidays. There’s a reason I choke up every time I watch the final scene in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’.

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One of my favourite Christmas traditions is writing my annual “Which Christmas movie best resembles a CFL player/team/moment” column! So feel free to flip back and forth between shopping online and this piece; hopefully my loosely-based connections will keep you in the Christmas spirit.

‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ = S.J. Green and Bear Woods

One of the biggest plot points from this TV classic is the Island of Misfit Toys, where Rudolph and his friends end up. Both Green and Woods were discarded by Montreal and both went on to have all-star seasons with Toronto.

After winning the Grey Cup, offensive lineman Chris Van Zeyl referred to the Argos’ roster as “the forgotten toys” and DeVier Posey also used the term “misfits” to describe his teammates. Of all the misfit players on the Argonauts, few had quite the impact that the team’s leading receiver in Green and leading tackler in Woods had.

The Argos acquired S.J. Green at the cost of a sixth round pick before the season (Johany Jutras/CFL.ca)

‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas!’ = Ed Gainey

This movie is awarded every year to the player who generates the most turnovers and in 2017, the honour goes to Saskatchewan’s Ed Gainey, who led the league with 10 interceptions and recovered two fumbles. His season is even more remarkable when you consider Gainey intercepted just five passes in his first five seasons in the league.

‘Fred Clause’ = Trevor Harris

Vince Vaughn plays Fred — Santa’s brother — in this underrated Christmas movie. Fred feels unloved and underappreciated as he has been permanently stuck in his brother’s much larger shadow. That of course all changes when Santa is unable to deliver the presents on Christmas Eve and it is up to Fred to save the day.

Now, while Harris did not have a great playoff game in Ottawa’s loss to Saskatchewan, he did throw for 4,679 yards and was tied with Mike Reilly for a CFL-best 30 touchdown passes. Harris may have led in both categories if he had not missed three games. Those numbers are more impressive when you remember the team lost both Chris Williams and Ernest Jackson to free agency last year.

‘Charlie Brown Christmas’ = Matt Black

Let’s see, we have a plucky underdog who only wants to do right but is constantly facing obstacles and, just when things look their bleakest, he is suddenly a hero due to his perseverance. Who wasn’t ecstatic for Charlie Brown at the end when his little Christmas tree was all decorated? (I dare you to watch and not feel anything).

Well, unless you’re either a Stampeders fan or a robot, then I bet you were cheering when Matt Black came up with the Grey Cup winning interception. The Argonauts safety has only known Toronto, having grown up here and playing his entire career with the Argonauts.

Charlie Brown deserved to be serenaded with ‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing’ just like Black deserved his moment of snowy glory in the end zone.

Matt Black goes up for the game-clinching interception in the 105th Grey Cup (Alex D’Addese/CFL.ca)

‘The Santa Clause’ = Duron Carter

I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie, but it fits perfectly with Carter’s most memorable moment of 2017 (just slightly edging out his Spider Man touchdown catch against Toronto). In this sub-par film, Tim Allen finds himself switching jobs from high-powered, smug business man to Santa Clause after he kills Santa.

I think it is safe to say that Carter’s Week 18 performance as defensive back against Calgary was far more entertaining. Trust me: seeing Carter pick off Bo Levi Mitchell and return it for a touchdown was better than anything Tim Allen did to win over the affection of his son.

The actual Santa Claus = Brandon Zylstra

I don’t have a specific movie or scene for Zylstra, so just pick out the most generous version of Santa you can think of. Just like Santa, Zylstra always delivered, putting up 100 or more yards in 11 games! For fantasy owners Zylstra was the gift that just kept on giving.

The actual Santa Claus (Part II) = The Montreal Alouettes

No defence gave opposing quarterbacks or skill position players a better chance at season highs than Montreal’s defence, which ranked last in points, net offence and touchdowns given up.

Stripe from ‘Gremlins’ = Willie Jefferson

One of the scariest creatures in Christmas movie history, the white Mohawk clad leader of the evil Gremlins. As a child I watched in constant fear as Stripe terrorized Gizmo, Billy and Kate. As an Argonauts fan I had the exact same feeling watching Jefferson chase Ricky Ray or that leaping interception he had in their playoff loss to Toronto.

Willie Jefferson continued his rise as one of the CFL’s top defensive ends this year (The Canadian Press)

‘Home Alone’ = Alex Singleton

So many people view ‘Home Alone’ as this fun, albeit simple Christmas movie that launched the career of Macaulay Culkin. You remember sweet little Kevin McCallister do battle with Harry and Marv as he protected his home. I watched it the other day and I all I saw was an ultra-violent film where Kevin terrorized two grown men.

Alex, at the tender age of 24, followed up an impressive rookie season by winning the Most Outstanding Defensive Player award. Singleton turned the football field into his own 671 Lincoln Ave., Winnetka, Illinois (the address from ‘Home Alone’) as he laid waste to all opponents who dared invade his ”home”.

Hans Gruber from ‘Die Hard = Winnipeg Blue Bombers defence

Both are very greedy and just want to take as much as they can. One wants to steal $640 million in bearer bonds from the vault in the Nakatomi Plaza while the Bombers led the CFL with 36 total fumble recoveries and interceptions.

The Ghost of Christmas Past = Calgary in the Grep Cup

This comparison is about as Captain Obvious as I can get. For the second year in a row, Calgary went into the Grey Cup as a heavy favourite, facing an East Division team that did not have a winning record, and still lost.

The Stamps couldn’t exorcise their demons in this year’s Grey Cup vs. Toronto (Johany Jutras/CFL.ca)

Cousin Eddie from ‘Christmas Vacation’ = Shawn Lemon

He’s annoying, he’s a pain in your ass but when the chips are down, you want him on your side. In ‘Vacation’, Eddie represents that annoying relative that you have to tolerate but hey, at least he helped Clark Griswold get his Christmas bonus.

As for Lemon, did you see the brilliant troll job he did showing off the Grey Cup at Bo Levi Mitchell? As someone who Tweets out obnoxious sunset shots, I fully applaud what Lemon did with Facetime. On the field, Lemon’s three sacks in the Eastern Final were critical in helping the Argonauts advance to the Grey Cup.

Clark Griswold from ‘Christmas Vacation’ = Mike Reilly

How can you not feel bad for Clark as he was constantly under physical duress throughout the holidays? From being attacked by a squirrel to getting smacked in the face by a beam of wood in his attic to his dangerous toboggan ride, Clark got beat up throughout ‘Christmas Vacation’, but still in the end had a fairly successful Christmas.

Mike Reilly had to deal with a team that saw 54 different players start at least one game as he also got beat up due to his physical style of play. Now, while he may not have won the Cup, Reilly did quarterback a 12-win team then won a playoff game and he was named the league’s MOP. I’d say that was a successful season.

Mike Reilly celebrates the first Most Outstanding Player honour of his career (Johany Jutras/CFL.ca)

‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ = Ricky Ray

You would be nuts to think I wasn’t going to include Frank Capra’s classic. This one is easy. George Bailey is your stoic blue collar hero. We learn that if he had not have existed, his hometown of Bedford Falls would plunge into a negative alternate world of chaos and depraved values.

Well, now imagine where the Argonauts would have been if he hadn’t have stayed healthy throughout both the regular season and the playoffs. The final scene is where the entire town bands together to give him the money Uncle Billy had lost earlier, just like Cassius Vaughn’s miraculous fumble return touchdown.

‘Elf’ = James Franklin

A last minute edition to this column! Buddy the Elf, despite having plenty of charisma, just doesn’t fit in at the North Pole so he decides to leave his wintry land for the big city hoping to find a home that better fits his skills.

I mean, could this comparison be any easier??? Franklin has left Edmonton and the massive shadow that is Mike Reilly for a chance to eventually start in Toronto. This one kind of writes itself.

Merry Christmas everyone and see you in 2018!

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