Warning: This recap of The Bachelorette contains spoilers.
Happy Memorial Day, rose lovers! I trust you had a relaxing long weekend and that you’re ready to dive headfirst into week two of Rachel’s “journey.” (Am I mixing metaphors? Sorry, still suffering from a BBQ hangover.)
Our Bachelorette is “still riding the high” from night one, and she’s ready to find “love.” The guys, who all seem to shop at the same Fitted T-Shirt Emporium, are giddy too. “She smells so good!” raves DeMario, after Harrison summons them all to the living room. The host drops off the date card, and Lee grabs it — but honestly, I was too distracted by his weird quilted sweater-coat to hear anything he read aloud.
I guess Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas were picked for the first group date, because soon they’re arriving at a backyard barbecue, where Rachel is pretending to grill.
The guys scarf down some burgers, play a little touch football, and talk crap about Lucas behind his back. “Lucas is garbage,” sneers Blake. “Lucas is here to be on television.” Well, duh. But before Blake can expose Lucas for the fraud he is, Rachel has some “friends” she wants them to meet.
Yes, Kelso and Jackie are longtime fans of the show — or, at least, they’ve been watching it since 2015, when Jared (aka “the guy who kind of looks like me,” says Ashton), arrived on the scene. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis LOVE Rachel, and they want her to find a grown-ass man who is worthy of her love. “Who here has health insurance?” demands Mila. Let the record show, neither Dean nor Jack raise their hands… until they realize it makes them look like losers.
The famous people are also very happy to hear that everyone in the group has a job. Although…
“You’re setting the bar really low,” notes Iggy, to which Mila shoots back, “Do you watch The Bachelor?” I think I speak for everyone in Bachelor Nation when I say…
Anyhow, in order to prove that they’re “husband material,” the guys are going to have to compete in obstacle course consisting entirely of domestic chores — including diaper changing, vacuuming, cleaning hair out of a sink drain… in other words, marriage. Honestly, though, I’d much rather spend the next 10 minutes watching Mila and Ashton — clearly giddy to be out on a “Saturday afternoon date” without the kids — vamp for the cameras. When Ashton predicts that “Rachel’s guy is not in this group,” Mila chides him for “rushing things” since the show has only been shooting for two days. He fixes her with a smoldering gaze recycled from his male modeling days and purrs, “I knew on day one.” And she LOVES it.
“Someone’s definitely getting laid tonight,” Mila informs us. “At least a blow job.”
Alas, we do have to watch the guys compete. Though Kenny the single dad has a “7th degree black belt in changing diapers,” Lucas takes an early lead. Iggy gets eliminated at the Baby Bjorn station, while the vacuum station proves to be Blake’s downfall. By the time we get to the table-setting challenge, it’s a dead heat between Kenny and Lucas — and things get downright physical.
To everyone’s chagrin, Lucas takes the W. “I’m still not really convinced that you want Lucas to be your baby’s father,” notes Jack. And to be honest, Rachel doesn’t look that thrilled either, especially after Lucas busts out his signature catchphrase.
Lucas’ victory sticks in Blake’s craw, so much so that he drops his plastic baby on the ground and declares dramatically, “This s*** with Lucas ends tonight. Whaboom.” And as soon as Rachel pulls Lucas away for the first one-on-one chat at the post-date cocktail party, Blake attempts to recruit allies into his battle against the Whaboom.
“I know Lucas from previous encounters,” Blake announces. “He’s been doing the ‘Whaboom’ BS for the past three years.” The other guys are like, Yeah, and? They remind Blake that Rachel is smart enough to separate the men from the boobs.
Speaking of which, Lucas is now reading our Bachelorette a poem, one in which he rhymes the real word “smile” with the made-up word “entile.” Though she plays along with this whole “giving him a chance” act (“he continues to surprise me”), I think this really says it all:
And by “it all,” I mean, “I kept this asshat because you guys asked me to, but how long do I have to suffer this fool? Is one episode enough?” At least, I hope that’s what she’s thinking.
As the night progresses, the guys all make their sales pitches. Fred tells our Bachelorette that he’s “not the same kid” he used to be, but she’s still not convinced. “You were bad!” she reminds Fred yet again. (I really wish she’d offer some specifics. Did he saran wrap her toilet? Short sheet her bunk? Set fire to the dining hall? Details, please!)
All Rachel wants is for one of the guys to “make the first move.” For a second it looks like Jack’s going to step up…
….but he doesn’t. Guy after guy lets Rachel down, with “mundane” conversations and lack of move-making.
“I’m not getting the romantic aspect that I need and that I want,” sighs our Bachelorette. This unfortunate trend continues with Blake, who uses his alone time with Rachel to (you guessed it) complain about Lucas. “He’s just not here for the right reasons,” Blake tells her. “I live with his ex-girlfriend, she’s my roommate. He’s a f***ing clown for TV exposure… Just check out the makeup that he’s got on, that he brought himself.” By the time Blake announces that he’s done talking about his rival (“I want to make our alone time about us,” he insists), Rachel has had enough.
Blake can’t wait to get back to the bachelor holding pen to alert Lucas and the rest of the guys that he just told Rachel the obvious fact that Whaboom is a moron. Lucas is understandably irked — “Why are you attacking me? What have I done to you?” — but ultimately he drunkenly shrugs it off.
The night finally begins to turn around for Ms. Lindsay when she sits down with Dean. “Dean is making me laugh, the conversation is so easy,” reports Rachel. “And it does not hurt that he is so handsome.” She ribs him a little bit about his “I’m ready to go black” pickup line, telling that she wanted to make that joke first. “When I got off the stage, I was like, ‘Oh my God, he stole my line!’” The only thing that that kept Dean’s time with Rachel from being a complete success was his failure to go in for a kiss. But given the other clowns she has to choose from on this date..
…Dean is looking like George freaking Clooney. Kenny, who truly deserves better than to be stuck on a date with these bozos, remains unfazed as Lucas and Blake continue to bicker. “I’m a professional wrestler — I know all about white dudes acting crazy,” he explains. “You’re not going to distract me from the reason why I’m here.”
That’s right, people. Kenny is a grown-ass, 35-year-old man with a daughter and he is here to settle down — and that’s exactly what he tells Rachel. “I ain’t got no time to waste,” he says honestly. “I’m just looking for real.”
So who will get the date rose — the cute goof who gives Rachel butterflies, or the mature suitor who’s ready to get married? Survey says…
What a comeback story — from a cringe-worthy After the Final Rose introduction to first date rose of the season. Sorry, Kenny — but mama wants herself some fresh meat. Hey look — Dean finally worked up the nerve to kiss her!
I mean, Rachel basically had to initiate that kiss herself, but we’ll let him have this one.
Peter scores the one-on-one date, and the next day he and Rachel head to a small airport where a private plane awaits to take them to Palm Springs. All three of them, that is.
Hi Copper! I wish Rachel wasn’t so secretive about how you broke your little leg (“we can talk about it inside,” she tells Peter, when he asks what happened), but you sure do look cute in your cast.
The first part of the date is, in fact, all about Copper. Rachel brings her two boys to Barkfest, a pooch-themed party thrown by some online dog toy company. As Copper lounges in the puppy pool, Peter and Rachel recline in a ball pit (just go with it), and talk about their relationship readiness. The Bachelorette says she’s open to relocating for love, while Peter says he actually wants to move away from Madison, Wisconsin… so why not Dallas?
That night, under Copper’s watchful eye, Peter and Rachel continue their get-to-know-you banter, including a playful discussion about why they each chose to stay gap-toothed rather than going the corrective orthodontics route. (Peter says his dad’s side of the family all have gap teeth, and it never even occurred to him to get his fixed. As for Rachel, her dentist told her the gap “adds character,” and she was good with that.) And Rachel is extremely happy to discover that both she and Peter once sought therapy to deal with relationship issues. Go on, give ‘im dat rose!
“I am such a smitten kitten over Peter,” gushes Rachel. “My gut did not fail me.” Cue the fireworks!
On to the second group date, starring Will, Jamey, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario. Rachel meets them at a school gymnasium, where they’re all going to play basketball — with a little help from Roger Murdoch, the airline pilot.
The guys are beyond excited to meet NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, even when he tells them that today’s exercise won’t just be about hoops — it’ll be about character. “Character is actually more important,” notes Kareem. “When you see people playing basketball, you get an idea of how they can work with others.”
Spoiler alert, this white man can’t jump… or dribble, for that matter.
The rest of the guys seem fairly capable, with DeMario and Eric probably displaying the most skillz. Rachel says she’s got her eye on DeMario, because “we have some chemistry” — though she is not pleased when he dunks the ball in her face. He probably should have saved that move for the real game, in front of the “packed house” of basketball fans/tourists who wanted some air conditioning.
At first, the game — if you want to call it that — is little more than a series of airballs, missed three-pointers, and the occasional tackle. (Wrong sport, guys!) Eventually the gameplay works its way up to junior varsity level. DeMario even gets a dunk in, much to Rachel’s delight. But that delight is short-lived.
The Bachelorette has been happily greeting fans, so she doesn’t seem surprised when a young woman named Lexi walks up an introduces herself. But Lexi doesn’t want a selfie with Rachel — she wants to drop a bombshell: Up until “hours” before DeMario pulled out the plane tickets and engagement ring on After the Final Rose, he and Lexi had been dating for seven months. “He literally still has the keys to my apartment,” Lexi continues, adding that rather than breaking up with her to go on The Bachelorette, DeMario simply “stopped responding” to her texts.
Aw hell no. Rachel summons DeMario from the locker room, and naturally he thinks he’s getting the date rose — so it truly is a delight to watch his pathetic attempt to play innocent when he realizes what’s actually happening.
Yep, that’s DeMario’s story and he’s sticking to it. “This chick is psycho,” he whispers to Rachel, as Lexi continues to chew him out for his philandering ways. DeMario claims he and Lexi only went out “a few times” and that he ultimately broke it off like a gentleman — something Lexi swears “on my father’s grave” never happened. “Last time he was in my house, he was f***ing me!”
Who’s telling the truth? Rachel knows it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that DeMario is either the type of guy who attracts/engages with stage-5 clingers, or he’s the type of guy who treats women like crap. Either way, it’s not good. “I want you to understand that you don’t make sense,” a very annoyed Rachel tells him. “I don’t know her, but to be honest, I don’t know you right now either.”
Though she really needs to send DeMario packing right this instant, instead she indulges Lexi (and producers) by looking at texts on Lexi’s phone corroborating that corroborate her story. And only then does Rachel kick DeMario to the curb.
Though the camera crew is following her and Harrison is lurking nearby, waiting to be pressed into duty, Rachel has no interest in recording a confessional about what just went down at that very moment. “I don’t want to talk about it!” she snaps. But she does want to let the guys know that DeMario’s lying butt is now sitting in the Reject SUV. “I don’t want to be played,” says Rachel, choking back tears. “I don’t want to be made a fool of… So if anybody else has a girlfriend, please just, like, tell me now.”
Aw, honey. Men are rats. They’re fleas on rats! They’re amoebas on fleas on rats, etc. So brush this one off and go clean up for the afterparty, okay?
That night, the guys are in full HOW DARE HE mode. Josiah assures Rachel that he’s “protective” of the people he cares about, and she LOVES it.
Will reads her a nice motto about the true meaning of success (“to know even one life have breathed easier because you have lived,” etc.), while Alex busts out an old Russian folk song about “dark eyes.” He’s not a great singer, but at least he’s not as cringe-worthy as Eric, who purrs, “My love language is quality time and acts of service. What’s your love language?” Blech, where’s the puking emoji when you need one? Anyhow, Rachel informs Eric that her “love language” is “quality time and physical touch” — in other words, What’s a girl gotta do to get a kiss around here?
Even so, the date rose goes to Josiah, who joins Peter and Dean in the Circle of Safety.
Rose ceremony night arrives, and Bryan — who didn’t get a date this week — is the first one to pull Rachel. It’s time for our Bachelorette to cash in her gift certificate for one free “adjustment,” or whatever.
And just when you thought Bryan asking Rachel to crawl up on a massage table in that dress would be the most scandalous thing you’d see all night, DeMario shows up, asking for a second chance. Paulie the Security Guard assesses the situation and informs DeMario that he can’t come onto the property unless Mr. Harrison grants him permission.
The host arrives and listens patiently to the spurned suitor’s pitch. “I need to be able to speak to her,” pleads DeMario. “I need to be able to communicate to her and let her know that I did f*** up.”
Oh man, we’re not getting a rose ceremony tonight, are we? With just about 13 minutes left in the broadcast, Harrison heads into the mansion to find Rachel and inform her of the situation brewing at the front gate. Citing “curiosity,” Rachel decides to go meet with DeMario to find out what possible explanation he might have for the high school BS that went down in the high school gym.
When the guys catch wind of what’s going on, it’s their turn to be indignant.
Hold that thought, pal, because Team Bachelorette has other ideas.
So that’s how it’s going to be this season, huh? While we wait for the conclusion of DeMario’s inevitable downfall, I want to hear your thoughts about this week, rose lovers. Are you surprised Mr. “I’m Ready to Go Black” got a rose? What do you think happened to Copper’s leg? And should we lobby ABC to have Mila and Ashton co-host After Paradise with Chris Harrison? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog here.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch Airplane! for the 37th time.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
Read more from Yahoo TV:
Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Week 2