September 01, 2010
We've known for a while that Shaquille O'Neal(notes) and Justin Bieber were due to have a legendary confrontation. We knew that these two titans of their respective industries would clash, hoping to settle the title of Metaphorically Biggest Entertainment Star in the World. Tuesday night, finally, this very important matchup went down. The results were shocking, possibly uprooting everything we thought we knew about the universe.
Surely, every handicapper on Earth would give Bieber — a dancer by trade — the advantage in the freestyle dance portion of this now-legendary face-off. Think again.
Not only is it amazing that Shaquille O'Neal would topple the teen titan in a freestyle dance-off, it's just as unfathomable that O'Neal would debut new moves after decades of doing his "giant robot" shtick. The Michael Jackson legs are a welcome surprise. Well played, Mr. O'Neal.
Fresh off his dance victory, confidence sky-high, one would think that there would be no way that Shaq would lose a basketball game to the 16-year-old Canadian. This is a Hall of Fame big man we're talking about, and Bieber — charming as he is — is very small and very much not going to be inducted in to the basketball Hall of Fame. However, as you can probably deduce, on "Shaq Vs." the world is backwards.
Yes, my friends, we live in a world where Shaquille O'Neal is a better dancer than Justin Bieber, and Justin Bieber is a better basketball player than Shaquille O'Neal. Feel free to reconsider everything you've ever thought to be true. It's a crazy, crazy world out there.