June 11, 2008
While the rest of the baseball blogosphere goes ga-ga over this "Evolution of the Fist Bump" video, I think it's more important to band together and focus our efforts on ending the newest celebration fad.
I'm talking about the hip bump.
Seems like you can't watch any MLB game these days without seeing the kids marking a win by jumping into the air and colliding into each other like a bunch of kids on a swingset.
Now, I didn't particularly like it when I first saw it early in the season, but I figured I'd warm up to it. But almost halfway into the season, my dislike of the hip bump has grown into an intense hatred that is threatening to surpass any pregame dance ever done by Ray Lewis.
That's why I'm volunteering to head the effort of convincing commissioner Bud Selig to issue a unilateral ban on any mid-air celebration collisions if they do not involve an outstretched slapping of the hands, a la the ending of the Super Bowl Shuffle.
My top 5 reasons for ridding the world of the hip bump follow the jump:
5. It's too hard to sync. I've yet to see a hip bump that would bring a rating higher than 7.4 (and that's from the American judge, not the East German one.) Seriously, does it look like any of the teammates in the above photos are on the same page? There are too many factors (height, speed, etc.) that have to go right to pull it off. The beauty of the handshake or the fist bump is that everyone knows what's going on. Plus, if you offer the hand or bump a little too early, there's always time and room for the recipient to recover and pull it off perfectly. Jump the gun with the hip bump and you're done for.
4. There's too much potential for awkward photos. Check out the college kids from Miami trying to imitate the pros. Think that isn't going to be posted in the player's dorm later? And not that Magglio Ordonez doesn't already look ridiculous with his hair, but his inability to grasp the finer points of the hip bump just makes him look foolish.
3. It requires too much room. Say you're in an office and you want to celebrate landing a big deal that's going to bring a lot of money to both you, your co-workers and your company. How are you going to execute that hip bump in your cubicle? If you take the process to the hallway, you run the risk of running into a senior VP or a water cooler. Baseball celebrations should be easily done in any setting, just not on the diamond, which is why everyone appreciates the fist bump but not the Bash Brothers' trademark move. When's the last time you touched forearms with anyone?
2. The elderly would have trouble bumping hips. As would Bo Jackson. Would you really want to see your grandmother disappointed? If the answer is yes, ask yourself the same question about Bo Jackson.
1. The Cubs are the leading culprits. After almost every win, the Cubs' outfield converges in shallow centerfield for a tri-bump. With two of those outfielders — Kosuke Fukudome and the already sore-hamstringed Alfonso Soriano — most likely starting in the All Star Game, is it really wise to extend the window of injury risk past the final out? Since these are the Cubs we're talking about, this is clearly a tradition that will only end in tragedy.
Unless, of course, Bud comes to his senses and puts an end to this silly stunt.
Viva la revolucion!