Dirty Tackle

Xavi files a complaint to UEFA about anti-football ruining the Champions League

A moment Xavi now regrets. (FC Barcelona)

Barcelona eked out a 2-1 win against Celtic at the Camp Nou in their first Champions League meeting despite maintaining 82 percent of possession. Just before the second meeting, Xavi proclaimed, "People rightly consider that Celtic use an anti-football system, but Chelsea have done the same and they are now champions of Europe." Celtic then beat Barcelona 2-1 even though Barca improved to 84 percent of possession. The shock and horror of that result is not sitting well with Xavi. This is his latest plea (see his previous ones to the IOC and UEFA here, here and here)...

Gentlemen of UEFA,

Normally I would introduce myself as Xavi -- noble steward on the cruise ship of appropriateness -- and I would tilt my head at a 45 degree angle, but today there is no time for such pleasantries. As I am sure you remember, I have previously written to you twice before about the excrement farms that you too often try to pass off as football pitches. This time, however, the matter I present is even more serious and a very real threat to the lives of all children who do not have a twin.

For far too long, the scourge of anti-football has been festering on the proverbial buttocks of humanity's most important fun-game. When Jose Mourinho was its chief perpetrator, the heavenly knights of Barcelona -- of which I am a proud member (and I have the lapel pin to prove it) -- routinely vanquished this threat to the back alleys of failure and bitterness. Dark corners from which we were supposed to be protected, so Leo Messi doesn't have bad dreams at night.

But now the putrid disease known on the streets as "defending" is spreading and growing stronger. First, Chelsea used it to wrongly defeat us and win the Champions League last season. Now, Celtic adopted it to further the injustice and beat us again -- something no other club has dared to do to us this season -- conjuring up the inexplicable black magic that allows an inferior team to score twice with less than 3,000 passes to their credit.

For Celtic to do this a day after I feigned sincerity in wishing them a happy 125th anniversary is an abomination. If I could go back in time just once and prevent any of the world's atrocities that have ended scores of human lives and generations of agony throughout history, I would go back to the moment I touched their ugly green and white shirts and almost smiled for a picture. Disgusting. Real Madrid, Chelsea and Celtic. At this rate, it's only a matter of time before teams around the world become addicted to "defending" and other nefariously legal ways of preventing their opponents from doing whatever they please. This can not stand!

Everyone must respect the fact that I have decided that football can never be played this way. And so there is only one recourse left for the witches and charlatans who insist on worsening this plague: burn them. Literally burn them. Anyone I decide is an anti-football witch will be put on trial at UEFA headquarters, tied to a stake and then burned. If they repel the flames, they will be found guilty of anti-football witchcraft and forced into a more barbaric past-time like feeding the homeless. If they burn, then they were obviously just trying to hide their evil powers and will still be found guilty of anti-football sorcery. They will also be dead. You can't refuse this measure. Because I am asking nicely.

To prove how terrifyingly dire the situation has become, I refer you to the following quote: "There is no such thing as injustice or justice in football. You have to win and that's it." Unicorn thought bubble Cesc Fabregas said that after our loss to Barcelona. He actually said that. Clearly he has been infected with the poltergeist of anti-football and is once again suffering in a way far worse than anyone has ever suffered before.

In closing, I expect you to start letting me burn people in order to salvage the integrity of the Champions League and save the soul of one Cesc Fabregas immediately. I eagerly await your response, as well as the essential groceries you should be kind enough to send because I never have time to shop for myself.

Better than best wishes,

Xavi, creator of pumpernickel

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