If it continued… (Manchester United v Chelsea)

A disregard for the offside rule, a typically fortunate bounce and Nani's cannon leg helped Man United to a 3-0 lead over Chelsea at halftime. Then things took a turn for the weird. Fernando Torres finally scored his second goal for Chelsea with a lovely chip over David De Gea just one minute into the second half, making up for an earlier blown chance, but making his soul-crushing, empty-net miss (see it here) later on all the worse. Also, Wayne Rooney goofed up a penalty kick by falling on his rear. Given all that, we are almost obligated to ask, "What if it continued?"

97' -- Feeling a twinge of something close to sympathy after such an impossible miss, Liverpool fans stop burning Fernando Torres shirts for exactly eight seconds.

101' -- Dimitar Berbatov declares that although he's been given a rare chance to play, this match simply is not worthy of his erotic goal scoring abilities. He then proceeds to do impressions of The Godfather while rubbing mayonnaise on his face for the next half hour.

109' -- Chicharito scores even though he's back in the physio's room with a leg injury.

113' -- Michael Owen sends Frank Lampard a telegram that reads: "Welcome to the bench." It is punctuated with a winking smiley face.

118' -- David De Gea wets himself after "accidentally" dropping his water bottle. He hopes no one realizes his attempt to gain a reputation of being error-prone is all a ruse and that he actually played quite well for Atletico Madrid.

120' -- Fernando Torres weaves through the Man United defense. But instead of shooting, he curls up in the fetal position in front of goal and thinks about scenes from Rachel McAdams movies.

124' -- Wayne Rooney slips on another penalty and launches the ball into space just to ensure people keep talking about John Terry's slip in the 2008 Champions League final.

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129' -- Upon seeing a replay of Torres' earlier miss, Arsene Wenger chuckles and says "That poor guy can't catch a break!" to the cardboard cutout of Cesc Fabregas sitting next to him on the couch.

130' -- With a secure lead and little to complain about, Alex Ferguson starts an argument with club mascot Fred the Red, accusing him of "looking for stupid little things."

135' -- Andre Villas-Boas continues to translate the match into an interpretive dance that involves an inordinate amount of squatting.

138' -- In a show of good will, empathy and pity, Man United give Fernando Torres an unobstructed shot on goal. Fans put aside their differences and cheer him on as one. His favorite song plays over the PA system and his wife and kids give him a hug before he begins. He takes a deep breath, focuses on the goal, runs to within an inch of the goal line and blasts a fierce shot into the back of the net, causing it to instantly explode in a ball of fire. Unfortunately, no one -- not even his family -- sees it since they were all too busy gaping at another replay of his miss on the big screen.

Photo: Reuters, Getty