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Dirty Tackle

Chelsea’s last eight managers give Roberto Di Matteo their advice in his difficult time

Dirty Tackle


After an excellent start, Chelsea have once again slipped into a Fall lull (two wins in seven matches). Despite winning the Champions League and FA Cup just last season, this has still led to talk of manager Roberto Di Matteo's job being in danger because of Roman Abramovich's famous impatience. So, all of the managers in the Abramovich era who have come before Di Matteo have offered him a bit of advice to help him through these tough times.

Claudio Ranieri: As a fellow Italian, I can assure you everything will be fine, Roberto. You'll go to Spain for a season, bounce around Italy for a while and then end up in Monaco. And I'll tell you right now this place is sick. They have all kinds of parties and stuff. It's like living in a James Bond film, but one that includes a Ligue 2 football club. Anyway, don't worry about anything.

Jose Mourinho: Roberto. I am sorry you are having trouble managing my Chelsea, but what can I say? I expected this. Even though I was not there, I led you and the players to the club's first Champions League title using my methods and no one said, "Thank you, Jose. You are a genius and you smell like candy." So this year, I do no help. But don't worry, Roberto. If Pep Guardiola replaces you I will torment him until he is reduced to a blogging shell of his former self like Rafa Benitez when he tried to follow me at Inter. You're welcome.

Avram Grant: If Chelsea sack you, so what? I'm standing in the rain at the top of the Serbian SuperLiga now. Whatever.

Phil Scolari: You're probably thinking that if Chelsea sack you, you'll never be with a club that big again. So what? After Chelsea I went to Bunyodkor. Do you have any idea where that is? Neither do I. But look at how much fun I had at this wedding while I was there...

That's right. They had lasers, dancing and I got to wear a hat like a boss. Life is the best.

Ray Wilkins (caretaker manager): Stay on your feet.

Guus Hiddink: I wasn't sacked, Roberto, but I can tell you that there is always another club out there with absurdly rich owner. Remember that.

Carlo Ancelotti: LOL. What he said. I got sacked for winning a double for Abramovich, but I'm not upset about it because I got a bucket of money out of it and the bread in Paris is like baked orgasms. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating at all. Also, you have no idea how amazing it is to have Zlatan Ibrahimovic instead of Torres. No. Idea.

Andre Villas-Boas: F*** you, Roberto. That was supposed to be me winning the Champions League with Chelsea last season. But no. Now everyone thinks I'm an idiot and I can't even use a freaking notebook without getting mocked for it. So I hate you. And Fernando Torres. And yes, those weird phone calls you get in the middle of the night where it's just someone crying are from me. Deal with it.

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