Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. GET OUT OF MY WAY -- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???!??!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!

2. ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC SLAPPING PEOPLE -- IS IT STILL THE YEAR 1992 WHEN MEN WOULD SETTLE THEIR DIFFERENCES WITH A SLAP AND A DUEL WHILE MC HAMMER'S "2 LEGIT 2 QUIT" PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND?!?!?? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!!!! BUT I COULD BE WRONG!!!!!!!!! I HOPE I AM TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. DAVID BECKHAM RED CARDED AT A KIDS MATCH -- SO WHAT!!!!!!! THIS HAPPENS TO ME LITERALLY ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I WAS SENT OFF AT A U-5 MATCH THAT I DIDN'T EVEN ATTEND BECAUSE THE ARTUR BORUC ROBOT I MADE ESCAPED FROM MY BASEMENT AND BODYSLAMMED A VERBALLY ABUSIVE PARENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ARTURBOT DOES NOT STAND FOR TERRIBLE PARENTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT HE DOES LIKE SLOW DANCING IN THE FOREST!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THE CORN LOVING CYBER WOMAN IS NOW ON TWITTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE CAME BACK IN TIME JUST TO INFUSE THE KERNELED MENACE INTO OUR SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HOW IT STARTS!!!!!!!

5. FOOTBALL CATS -- THEY ARE OUT ONLY HOPE TO DEFEAT THE CORN!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO CUDDLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. ADRIANO LOCKED IN A HOTEL AND PUT ON A DIET -- FIORENTINA TRIED TO DO THIS TO ME BUT I KEPT RENTING THE MOVIE "PARENT TRAP" OFF THE TV UNTIL THE HOTEL FINALLY EXPLODED AND THE BELLHOP SAID A SWEAR WORD THAT I HAVE NEVER HEARD BEFORE!!!!!!!!! I KEPT A TOWEL AND SOME SOAP AND I HAVE STILL YET TO BE CAUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. THE ENGLAND MANAGER POSITION -- I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I!!!!!!!!! DON'T!!!!!!!!!! CARE!!!!!!!!!!!

8. JOE HART FARTING -- WHEN I FART PEOPLE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. SAMSUNSPOR'S BUS GETTING HIT BY A TRAIN -- WHY DON'T TRAINS EVER HIT SOMETHING EXCITING LIKE A LARGE MELON OR PINBALL MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!! I INVENTED A GAME WHERE YOU SWALLOW A PINBALL AND PLAY THE GAME INSIDE YOUR BODY BUT IT NEVER CAUGHT ON AND THE BALL NEVER CAME OUT!!!!!!!!! EVERY DAY I SET A NEW HIGH SCORE!!!!!!!!!

10. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS MELTING SNOW BY PUNCHING IT INTO WATER WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI STOPPED SHOVELING HIS WALKWAY AND CAME OVER TO ME!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID "HEY ARTUR YOU COULD USE MY SHOVEL WHEN I'M DONE! IT WILL BE A LOT FASTER!!!!!!!!" AND I SAID "THANKS BUT NO THANK YOU!!!!!!! POLITELY MOVING THE SNOW AROUND WITH A LUXURIOUS SHOVEL WILL NOT TEACH IT TO STAY OFF OF YOUR WALKWAY!!!!!!!!!!! CAPITAL PUNISHMENT IS THE ONLY CONSEQUENCE THAT SNOW UNDERSTANDS!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT BREATH SMELLED LIKE A COMBINATION OF A HART FART AND A SWEATY HAT!!!!!!!!!! HE LAUGHED AT ME AND THEN WENT BACK TO SHOVELING HIS WALKWAY!!!!!!!!!!! I LAUGHED AT HIM AND THEN WENT BACK TO ASSAULTING SNOW FLAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALSO GOT THE HICCUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN'S GOOBER KIDS BUILD A SNOWMAN THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM IN THE MOST UNFLATTERING WAY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!